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People just don't know what to say so they often rely on stock phrases, such as "I am so sorry for your loss."
And when people respond with a tale of their own, as if to dismiss your devastating news or circumstance, it is usually b/c they are trying to demonstrate that they have some understanding of the pain you are going through. Of course, it is insensitive and usually comes off as lame, but typically, it is not meant to diminish your sorrow -- it is simply meant to show that they have experienced loss as well, and so can identify with your pain.
Of course, there are some folks who simply insert foot in mouth out of nervousness or awkwardness.
People sometimes avoid anyone who is dealing with a death b/c they are afraid they will say the wrong thing . . . so they simpy avoid the person.
I have found some folks want to talk about their deceased family member . . . some get upset if anyone mentions it -- even years after the death.
I don't think people mean to be so stupid and insensitive in most cases. The best thing to do is realize that at least they were trying to acknowledge what you are going through, even if they did so in a very awkward or disconcerting manner.
Three things a dear person told me to say in a difficult situation:
1. I am sorry.
2. I love you. and/or
3. I will pray for you.
Offering a meal, taking a meal, even take out, bringing flowers; one time I brought a paper assortment of plates, cups and silverware with a package of snacks.
Most folks do not know what to do. For me, receiving a card after several months from
a card shop I patronize, meant so much to me.
Cards too, that said in the Loss of you Husband and a note of what they remembered of him I treasure.
His Celebration of Life, people recalled Bruce's dry sense of humor and he would have enjoyed hearing the laughter. One gent spoke how my husband always spoke of the
accomplishments of others and didn't realize what accomplishments my husband had accomplished till he read his biography.
A funny, humble man who loved God and his family now living eternally with His Lord and Savior.
I hate when people try and one up me with my grieving. I'm young (23) and just lost my 47 year old stepmother to bile duct cancer. I have internalized a lot of my anxiety and sadness (before and after her passing) and reserve it to myself, family, and my boyfriend. A few close friends here and there. I truly believe a lot of people can't empathize with the loss of my stepmother, especially being so young. That's not being all "nobody understands me", it's just being realistic in that most people don't get terminally ill before their senior years.
I hated when I would tell a friend what I was going through, and they would immediately snap back with something more awful that happened to them, as if I shouldn't feel grief because their grandma died, their frog died, their sister moved away, etc. I feel the best way to comfort someone is to say you are here to listen, and that's really it. I hate all the "she had a good life" "that must have been awful" "you must feel so relieved" comments. I see death as a part of life, but the dynamic of how we live without her is changing. I hate pity as well. It's more anxiety.
My friend told me that her sister is getting divorced when I told her my stepmom was going to die.
I think that's rude. I once heard of someone whose mother died and a friend of her mother's came to the funeral and told the daughter, "You know, I have the same thing your mother had, but mine is much worse."
My mother had been the mayor's representative on the town library board, but when my brother's illness got worse and it became apparent that he was in the last months of his life, she called the mayor and told her that she would not be able to serve on the library board because she had to concentrate on taking care of her son.
At the funeral, my mother is standing in front of my brother's casket and the mayor comes up and says, "I'm so sorry about your son, but maybe now you'll have the time to participate on the library board again."
Three things a dear person told me to say in a difficult situation:
1. I am sorry.
2. I love you. and/or
3. I will pray for you.
Offering a meal, taking a meal, even take out, bringing flowers; one time I brought a paper assortment of plates, cups and silverware with a package of snacks.
Most folks do not know what to do. For me, receiving a card after several months from
a card shop I patronize, meant so much to me.
Cards too, that said in the Loss of you Husband and a note of what they remembered of him I treasure.
His Celebration of Life, people recalled Bruce's dry sense of humor and he would have enjoyed hearing the laughter. One gent spoke how my husband always spoke of the
accomplishments of others and didn't realize what accomplishments my husband had accomplished till he read his biography.
A funny, humble man who loved God and his family now living eternally with His Lord and Savior.
Sounds as if he was a fine man.
I wouldn't say "I will pray for you" unless I knew for sure that this sentiment would be welcomed. If someone said it to ME, I would be grateful for the prayers, but not everyone has the same beliefs or any beliefs at all. I once heard an awful story about a Jewish woman who lost her infant, and someone told her not to worry because her child was safe in the arms of Jesus. That's just so wrong. Shoving your beliefs onto someone whom you know does not believe the same way at the worst time in their life should qualify as a sin, IMO. (Of course, I don't really get to determine what's a sin and what isn't.)
There are different types of grief. That is the issue. I have lost an elderly parent of cancer, it was fine, everyone was prepared and relieved. The funeral was almost a celebration of a much loved man who lived a long, happy life.
Completely different situation when you lose a child. Completely.
My dad died of lung cancer in his 40s, so I got a lot of questions about did he smoke. When a co-worker's son died, I was looking for advice to see some dos and don'ts on what to say to/do for a parent who's lost a child. I found a site with sarcastic replies to dumb things people say. One of which dealt with the smoking question. The suggested answer was "I don't know, I didn't attend the cremation" If I had that line at the time my dad died, I'd have been sorely tempted to use it!
As far as acknowledging co-worker's losses, if it's someone I work with daily, I'll go to the wake or pay a shivah call (or whatever is appropriate for other religions or people who don't practice a specific religion). If I'm not as close, but know the person, I'll send a card.
People vary in their reactions. Some people welcome the distraction of getting back to work and don't want it brought up. That's why I go to the wake, etc. or send cards. It acknowledges the loss, but doesn't put the person on the spot at work. They can absorb the acknowledgment outside of work Then when they return to work, I follow their lead. If they bring it up, I will listen and express condolences. If they don't, I take it they'd rather not talk about it right now.
If it's someone in my department, I will pick up the slack when they're out so they're not overwhelmed when they get back. Or if it's something really sensitive. One of the people at work asked the co-worker I mentioned for information about family related stuff (in general, not the co-worker's) around Christmas time. I offered to take that on for him, but he declined. He didn't finish it by the end of the day, which was unlike him. My boss asked me to handle it, so I did. I also understand that coming back may be tough, so I ask if the person needs help with any work related stuff. I also realize that birthdays, holidays, etc. may be tough too, so I'll step in there when needed. The co-worker needed to go home early some days because his wife took the death very hard. I'd offer to take on any tasks which needed to be done so he could leave early. And I've done similar things for other co-workers/supervisors when they've lost parents, siblings, etc.
If they're not in my department, it's helpful to know about their loss, so if I need to ask them for something, I'll know to give it time and ask gently or go to their backup if it's time sensitive. That's why I think the death emails/memos from HR are important. I always read them to be aware.
So even though I don't ask about someone's loss at work, I do try to make the work re-entry smoother for them. It's my way of showing them support during their time of grief. And if they initiate a conversation, I'm willing to listen.
The 2 worst stories I've heard about people saying/doing dumb things:
1) An acquaintance knows someone who's boss said "now's not really a good time" when notified of the person's parent's death.
2) A friend worked with a woman who lost her son in the WTC attack on 9/11. Last I heard, he was one of the people no remains have been found for. She spent weeks desperately looking for him, hoping she'd find him alive in a hospital. One of the people they worked with tried to put a postcard of the Twin Towers in a care package they sent her because he thought it would "cheer" her up to remember where he worked (we couldn't figure out the reasoning behind that one). Fortunately, someone intercepted it.
Last edited by exscapegoat; 10-06-2012 at 12:46 PM..
There are different types of grief. That is the issue. I have lost an elderly parent of cancer, it was fine, everyone was prepared and relieved. The funeral was almost a celebration of a much loved man who lived a long, happy life.
Completely different situation when you lose a child. Completely.
It's ok to feel that way and say that about your own situation. But saying it to another person who'd just lost an elderly parent to cancer would be where it gets insensitive. Not saying you'd do that, but there are people who would.
I once heard of someone whose mother died and a friend of her mother's came to the funeral and told the daughter, "You know, I have the same thing your mother had, but mine is much worse."
That sounds like something out of a W.C. Fields farce, spoken by W.C. Fields as the insensitive clod-buffoon.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
There are different types of grief. That is the issue. I have lost an elderly parent of cancer, it was fine, everyone was prepared and relieved. The funeral was almost a celebration of a much loved man who lived a long, happy life.
Completely different situation when you lose a child. Completely.
No one loss is any more valid or more worthy of grieving than another.
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