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When my dad died, a friend of my mom's came up to her and said " what are you going to do now that John is gone? Are you still keeping your house? My mom's answer was " I am not thinking about that right now". My mom always decorates the inside and outside of her home for all the holidays, Halloween and Christmas are her favorites, My dad died in August 2004 so in October she proceeded to decorate like she awlays does. A neighbor came up to her and told her that she was shocked she was putting up decorations considering she just lost her husband. So what? If it makes her feel good it's no one else's business. Is she supposed to wear black, draw the shades and mourn all day and night?? Life does go on eventually.
If only I believed in the deity of a bronze age desert dwelling cult who tortures his subjects by killing off their loves ones to take as playthings, I would find that so comforting!
Now, I actually don't mean to bash those with religious beliefs - only those who cannot see through any other world view.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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My husband died October 26th, and in the six weeks between then and Christmas, I had what would have been his 60th birthday, Thanksgiving and my birthday. Despite the fog and numbness, I still decorated for Christmas. By then, I needed something familiar and stable to give me comfort. Those six weeks are awful every year, but decorating for Halloween and Christmas (my favorites, also) is grounding because it's such a warm rememberance of our years of family tradition.
When my dad died, a friend of my mom's came up to her and said " what are you going to do now that John is gone? Are you still keeping your house? My mom's answer was " I am not thinking about that right now". My mom always decorates the inside and outside of her home for all the holidays, Halloween and Christmas are her favorites, My dad died in August 2004 so in October she proceeded to decorate like she awlays does. A neighbor came up to her and told her that she was shocked she was putting up decorations considering she just lost her husband. So what? If it makes her feel good it's no one else's business. Is she supposed to wear black, draw the shades and mourn all day and night?? Life does go on eventually.
My father died on October 30th, which was a Saturday that year. My mother taught a Sunday School class of third-graders, and so another lady took her class and had the kids make sympathy cards for my mom, which the woman dropped off after church. My mother was looking through them and one girl had written, "Dear Mrs. S., I'm sorry your husband died. Happy Halloween." It was so innocent, we got a good laugh over that despite our grief.
"I guess you'll have to be the woman of the house now" when my mother died at age 41. SERIOUSLY? I'm 17 years old, away at college, with an 8 year old sister. Good thing I didn't act on that one since my father had a girlfriend 3 weeks later. She probably would have taken exception to me being the woman of the house. I know I certainly took exception to her. To put that kind of responsibility on a young girl who has just watched her mother die after 4 very long and painful years...I'm sure that dear sister in the church meant well, but I truly wanted to slap her. Her other gem was, "it's all in the plan - you will understand with time". Really? It's been 38 years. I still don't understand. Explain it to me, please, as I do not see the answer coming before I die. Oh, then I'll know? Well, there's a comfort.
My grandparents were very staunch Christians, but they lost a daughter - and all the "she's with the angels now" in the world didn't help their grief. So much better if someone had just simply pulled them close and cried with them - or with me. Or with my sister. So few people were comfortable just sitting and crying, and that's what we all needed.
My other fave was when the relatives from another state decided I needed to see a psychologist because I insisted on staying at the funeral home during visitation hours. That's the way it's done in the state I was raised in - my mother and my Southern roots taught me what was proper....the "come along, we know best - your mother wouldn't want this" didn't work. Yeah, she would have - she would have been proud to know that some kind of manners "took" with me. I was...er....difficult... :-)
I know everyone meant well, but I'm 55 and still don't understand. Never will.
"I guess you'll have to be the woman of the house now" when my mother died at age 41. SERIOUSLY? I'm 17 years old, away at college, with an 8 year old sister. Good thing I didn't act on that one since my father had a girlfriend 3 weeks later. She probably would have taken exception to me being the woman of the house. I know I certainly took exception to her. To put that kind of responsibility on a young girl who has just watched her mother die after 4 very long and painful years...I'm sure that dear sister in the church meant well, but I truly wanted to slap her. Her other gem was, "it's all in the plan - you will understand with time". Really? It's been 38 years. I still don't understand. Explain it to me, please, as I do not see the answer coming before I die. Oh, then I'll know? Well, there's a comfort.
My grandparents were very staunch Christians, but they lost a daughter - and all the "she's with the angels now" in the world didn't help their grief. So much better if someone had just simply pulled them close and cried with them - or with me. Or with my sister. So few people were comfortable just sitting and crying, and that's what we all needed.
My other fave was when the relatives from another state decided I needed to see a psychologist because I insisted on staying at the funeral home during visitation hours. That's the way it's done in the state I was raised in - my mother and my Southern roots taught me what was proper....the "come along, we know best - your mother wouldn't want this" didn't work. Yeah, she would have - she would have been proud to know that some kind of manners "took" with me. I was...er....difficult... :-)
I know everyone meant well, but I'm 55 and still don't understand. Never will.
I lost my husband when I was 32 my aunt ellie came to stay with me and help me . When I was 34 she was murdered someone broke into her house and murdered her they never found the person and I doubt they ever will and this was only two yrs after I had lost my husband . And yes all the it is for the best because some of my relatives knew she had cancer and she never told me and i dont know why , but they thought being murdered was better than dying from cancer . I am 51 and will never understand some peoples reasoning or ways . Yes I stayed at the funeral home too while she was there .. yes its manners and it is family . I do understand why some people stay at the funeral home . God bless you dear .. I dont understand either and Im not that much younger than you .
It was during a time where I was pregnant with my youngest son. I got a phone call from my mother telling me that my youngest brother had committed suicide. We were all stunned and very upset. I was crying off and on over this for a few weeks. One evening my now ex-husband saw I was crying and asked me why and I told him it was about my brother. He yelled "just get over it". I was very hurt and angry at his harsh comment.
"I guess you'll have to be the woman of the house now" when my mother died at age 41. SERIOUSLY? I'm 17 years old, away at college, with an 8 year old sister. Good thing I didn't act on that one since my father had a girlfriend 3 weeks later. She probably would have taken exception to me being the woman of the house. I know I certainly took exception to her. To put that kind of responsibility on a young girl who has just watched her mother die after 4 very long and painful years...I'm sure that dear sister in the church meant well, but I truly wanted to slap her. Her other gem was, "it's all in the plan - you will understand with time". Really? It's been 38 years. I still don't understand. Explain it to me, please, as I do not see the answer coming before I die. Oh, then I'll know? Well, there's a comfort.
My grandparents were very staunch Christians, but they lost a daughter - and all the "she's with the angels now" in the world didn't help their grief. So much better if someone had just simply pulled them close and cried with them - or with me. Or with my sister. So few people were comfortable just sitting and crying, and that's what we all needed.
My other fave was when the relatives from another state decided I needed to see a psychologist because I insisted on staying at the funeral home during visitation hours. That's the way it's done in the state I was raised in - my mother and my Southern roots taught me what was proper....the "come along, we know best - your mother wouldn't want this" didn't work. Yeah, she would have - she would have been proud to know that some kind of manners "took" with me. I was...er....difficult... :-)
I know everyone meant well, but I'm 55 and still don't understand. Never will.
That's exactly what I did with my bff's daughters when I went to her wake. BFF had hung herself in the garage and stunned us all. You should have seen the faces on all the other people who were there! Me and all three girls huddled around each other hugging and crying our hearts out. That was exactly what those "girls" (women) needed and so did I. We held up that line for a good 20 mins and people were pi$$ed! "WHY??" all 3 asked me. "WHY??" I could not answer them for if I had known I would have tried to stop their mother. Anyone with a brain could see there was a deep emotional connection between the girls and I.
WTH?? A shrink, Sam? I have never been to a wake where the family isn't sitting/standing there! A family is SUPPOSED to be there! Where the hell did your mom's relatives come from? What state? I never heard of such a thing! It's not just a southern thing. I'm as Yankee as you can get and not one wake has been sans family. I'd be wondering why the family wasn't there if they weren't! Those relatives from a different stae are the ones who need a shrink, Sam!
It was during a time where I was pregnant with my youngest son. I got a phone call from my mother telling me that my youngest brother had committed suicide. We were all stunned and very upset. I was crying off and on over this for a few weeks. One evening my now ex-husband saw I was crying and asked me why and I told him it was about my brother. He yelled "just get over it". I was very hurt and angry at his harsh comment.
My then husband did the same to me, broken. When I was crying over my mother one time, he yelled at me "quit your crying, you didn't even like your mother!" Which was true, but I loved her. I vowed to myself right then and there that I would "escape" this abusive man come hell or high water. I had been thinking that for years already but my resolve was now set in stone. Took me another 6 years to make it but I did it! Then to have only 20 years with the love of my life.
WTH?? A shrink, Sam? I have never been to a wake where the family isn't sitting/standing there! A family is SUPPOSED to be there! Where the hell did your mom's relatives come from? What state? I never heard of such a thing! It's not just a southern thing. I'm as Yankee as you can get and not one wake has been sans family. I'd be wondering why the family wasn't there if they weren't! Those relatives from a different stae are the ones who need a shrink, Sam!
I was raised in Mississippi - and I guess I misstated my case. I was there every hour the funeral home was open...that's the way I was raised, that someone stayed with the body all the time. My mother's family is from Arkansas, where I live now, and that is not a common practice. The family attends the wake only, or visitation, or whatever you call it, sometimes going in for a few minutes extra prior to the visitation. But where I came from, and bear in mind this was almost 40 years ago, someone stayed. No question. So there I sat - 17 years old, by a casket with my mother, and waited on visitors. To do otherwise would have been tacky. It was important to me anyway, though - I probably would have stayed regardless of the customs. I needed my time - she had been ill for a while and in a coma for 10 days. I had some things to work out in my head and I owed her that time...it quieted my mind and my spirit. She and I had a number of good talks over that couple of days. Matter of fact, we still do. :-) And it still quiets my mind.
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