I feel broken and people are trying to fix me

[Keeper]

I am on anti-depression meds. I thought I didn't need them so I quit taking them a couple of years ago and I became a wreck. I was so unhappy with my life, with where I lived and my family/friends. I was going to sell my house and move someplace else even though this house was not connected at all to my DH.

I was crying over every little thing and finally realized that I was depressed and while the meds are not that strong they helped me cope. I am not a med taker but I realized that I did need them.

I don't think anyone here is trying to diagnose you but we all have different experiences and want to offer up suggestions as to what helped us.

My husband was my everything too. I didn't want to go home from work because he wasn't there yet I felt the need to rush home because I always did when he was there.

[smilinpretty]

I will give myself a few more months and if that time I still feel the way I do, then I will consult my Doctor. My Doctor and the Grief counselor feel that I need to experience this grief to move on. My husband passed on June 27th. I don't know how long I will be experiencing this grief...how long I am going to feel sad and unhappy. My world is all new to me. Everything I do is about me and I am not use to it just being me. My whole world that i knew disappeared, I just need time to figure this all out.

I think I am making progress, I am attending a function on Sunday, attending a new church. I just feel so confused. I am trying to fit into a world that I don't feel comfortable in, my place in life has no meaning anymore.

I live out in the country and it is 25 miles to the nearest town so I am constantly driving to and from the town and that becomes expensive.

I have no idea where my life will take me, it is all about me now and any decision I make, it will be in my best interest. So at times, I don't open up my blinds, I stay in bed and let the world live, while I feel dead inside, until I can figure out what direction I want to go in. I am okay with this arrangement ..I think.

[Marcy1210]

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

I am trying to fit into a world that I don't feel comfortable in, my place in life has no meaning anymore.

I live out in the country and it is 25 miles to the nearest town so I am constantly driving to and from the town and that becomes expensive.

This is why I sold my home in Colorado. I lived about 20 miles west of a the nearest town. We built the house in 1975, and raised four kids there, but for just me, the house was too big, too isolated on 5 acres, and full of dh memories. After three months, I couldn't do it. I knew that if I didn't get out of there, I would die, too. I put it on the market and moved to our condo in Arizona.

Being in a smallish condo, 1/2 mile from the grocery store, Target, Wal-Mart, Ross, Home Depot, every fast food place and chain restaurant imaginable, and 2 miles from all the doctors and a World Class hospital while being really convenient, was still a HUGE and very scary lifestyle change, but it was what I needed. Leaving my known and familiar world of 35 years and starting over from scratch, not knowing a soul, was so very hard, but being around people has kept me going, and I've made some good friends here. As much as I desperately miss our home in Colorado, this has been a good thing. It's given me a reason to get up in the morning, if for no other reason than to start the air conditioning....it's bloody hot down here in Southern Arizona!

[smilinpretty]

Marcy, I give you all the credit in the world, relocating and starting from scratch. I am so happy to hear that your decision to live elsewhere has been beneficial to you.

I live in Northern Arizona, 25 miles from Prescott, in the country. Actually, I love the dry climate of Arizona, as I age.

My Doctor advised I re-locate closer to Prescott and I would but unfortunately my house is no where worth what we paid for it.

I lived in Lake Havasu for 14 years, I do know what HOT is. We had to move to cooler climate.

[tngirl205]

Marcy and smilin, we share yet another connection. My husband and I moved here to middle TN from Prescott, AZ! We lived there 4 years. I was an Adult Probation Officer for Yavapai County, previously worked in the Clerk's Office. In the 4 years we lived there, the population grew 10,000 people!! Besides the high altitude, which wasn't helping his beginning breathing problems, we chose to move back to the South, where he was originally from. We missed the small town life and good food of the South.

During the last couple of years of his life, when I had lots of time to think about a possible future without him (assuming he died before me), I considered moving back to Prescott. While I still have a lot of friends and acquaintances there, I compared the cost of living. It is so much lower in TN! Housing, taxes, etc. So far I have chosen to stay put in TN. It is really beautiful here, and the small town charm we were longing for is right here. I will say, though, that nothing has compared to the courthouse and downtown charm that Prescott offers. I really miss that beautiful downtown.

I don't mean to stray too far off topic here. Marcy and smilin, we are SO MUCH alike!! I can so relate to you both. I have the same thoughts as you both do. Lately, for some reason, I have felt alone and isolated, even though I go to work everyday and go through the motions. I can't wait to get home to the loving arms of my house and pets and feel secure. I have wondered if a change would be good for me....a radical change (even though I just moved into this house).....like moving back to WA state to be nearer to my daughter and grandkids. She and I have a history and I don't know that I could live too close to her. She is a self-centered drama queen, and has posted online that she would like me to live there so I could babysit her 3 kids. Right now, I can't even think about doing that.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough. I thank God everyday that I have you guys in my life. If I didn't have this place to come to and share, vent and just talk, I would for sure go crazy. My church has helped me tremendously. But I still feel lost and lonely and wondering what my life is going to be. It is an unsettling thought as I have always been the type that I like to know what is coming, and have options to change something if necessary. Now, I don't know what is coming nor do I know what options are truly out there.

Let's keep this close friendship going. You guys mean the world to me...all of you.

[tamiznluv]

Didn't know you had children, tn! If you have mentioned your daughter before, I had forgotten. I hear you about daughter wanting Mom to move to where she lives although my grandkids don't need babysitting anymore. I just do NOT want to move to Texas! (sorry, Texans) I am a Yankee Ma$$hole through and through. It is way too HOT for me down there. East Texas sucks with humidity. I don't complain about ours anymore. I have absolutely hated the summers I've spent down there. Wasn't thrilled in the winter either. Palmetto bugs, flying roches, black widows, red ants, rattlesnakes, side winders, shall I go on?? I choose to shovel snow and freeze during the winter than to go live down there. She and I also have a long history and it's better that I stay where I am. I do not want or need the crap that I go through down there. I'm always so hopeful and happy on my way down there and just can't wait to get home after a few days. I'd rather the lonliness. Pretty bad, huhn?

[smilinpretty]

It is not bad at all Tamiznluv, it is how you feel. I have seen much too often that parents will move to areas where their adult kids live and they are ignored and they left their dear friends behind who were their support system.I have heard the parents say they made a grave mistake.

I think one has to be happy where they live. I don't have a social life but I do love the views from my house and I love living in the country and the weather means a whole lot to me.

Living in Arizona, the weather is dry and at my age, the dryness feels good to my bones.

[tamiznluv]

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

It is not bad at all Tamiznluv, it is how you feel. I have seen much too often that parents will move to areas where their adult kids live and they are ignored and they left their dear friends behind who were their support system.I have heard the parents say they made a grave mistake.

I think one has to be happy where they live. I don't have a social life but I do love the views from my house and I love living in the country and the weather means a whole lot to me.

Living in Arizona, the weather is dry and at my age, the dryness feels good to my bones.

That'd feel good to my bones too, smilin, but going to where there is even MORE humidity is a dumb move for moi. My hubby always wanted to go to Az. even if just for vacation. We never made it because I selfishly used the money to fly to Washington state (when the kids lived there) and Texas. I would move to Washington in a heartbeat but NO Texas. At least not East Texas.

[gentlearts]

I am sorry for your loss. At the risk of sounding like others who you do not find helpful, I believe you are suffering from two separate issues.
One is that others make you feel like you have not finished grieving quickly enough. This is BS. You are entitled to grieve at your own pace. Take as long as you need, and don't apologize for it.
The second is that you feel that you did not live your life in a smart way, so that you had an identity separate from your husband. This is the one that is really important. I was raised in the same era as you, when a wife could just be an extention of her husband. I have escaped it, but you did not. OK. For this one, I beg you to snap out of it. You do not need to do this tomorrow. You have a life to live. There are people who are dying who would gladly trade places with you. Do something YOU enjoy. Go somewhere YOU want. Get a job or volunteer somewhere where you can help someone else. My philosophy is if you are feeling empty, you need to give more, not get more.
Good luck to you.

[nighthouse66]

thank you, for letting us in. i know from experience that writing about things on citydata has a strange way of making one feel less disconnected. and there are great people and very heartfelt people behind all these screens and posts.

i don't know how you feel. i really don't. but one thing i know- sometimes, when you lose something, or something isn't called to your attention- could be your self confidence, or even your keys- sometimes it helps for someone to come in and look at it with fresh eyes. someone who ISN'T steeped in the feelings that you find yourself stewing in right now. so please take everything i say with that in mind.

first off, its beautiful that you devoted your life to your husband like that. few people can manage that sort of devotion. so i would not look at that as something that shows a lack of character or strength on your part.

but like one very smart poster mentioned, no one has asked you what YOU want. when your friends kept telling you what you should be doing, no one seems to have asked. i am sure many people mean well. and i am sure also that your friends might be wondering when they will have to go through something similar, and it scares them, and they are at a loss to ease your pain. and in fact, they probably can't. and they probably sense this. grief like that is so large as to sometimes be almost a chasm between you and the world. so they struggle with "what do i do with this?" and they don't know. so they try and come up with fix-it solutions for lack of anything better. so try and forgive them for that if you can.

the thing i think to remember too is that you were a very good friend and partner to your husband. you gave him your all. now you are left with yourself, and you know you can show that kind of devotion. maybe you should turn that gift inward, towards yourself. look at this as a time to do that. to reckon with that whole person that you have always been but that took sustenance from another- as we all do- and now the sustenance isnt there in the same way. you can be that same good friend to yourself, once the raw grief fades a little.

it never ceases to amaze me what people can live through. i have always found it a strange comfort to hear other people's grief and realize- "they are going on, they have survived this". i am NOT saying, "oh, you should realize people have it worse than you," because that is garbage. all of that is relative. pain is relative. its all real and it all hurts. but it helps to know that you can make it through. that people can go through terrors and traumas and survive them, and actually sometimes laugh again, and smile, just like you did, even if you drove away crying, you did that, and its in you. its just on a shelf, like you said. but your heart is not gone and your love is not gone. and that's pretty gutsy.

i love diane arbus's quote about circus freaks. bear with me, this IS cogent to the discussion. "most people go through life terrified that they will have a traumatic experience. freaks are born with their trauma. they have already passed through that. they are aristocrats". i find that an interesting way of looking at the bad things one goes through. as strange as it may seem, you are now an aristocrat, in a way that you never wanted. but you are experiencing something new and terrifying, and you CAN survive this, and be stronger for it. you will find your own way and when you come out on the other side you are going to find something you never could have without this experience. you will find something beautiful in all of this. i truly believe that. you feel too much to NOT have that happen. if you can stand by someone for as long as you did, you have amazing strength and patience and love in yourself that you are not even probably giving yourself proper credit for. its there- just reach for it, in a little while, when you wake up to it, in your own time. you don't even have to look for it- its already there.

best of luck to you.