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It has been 15 weeks now since my husband passed away. I devoted my life to him and he was my only and everything. So many people who had said "they loved me" slammed the door into my face and walked away. I am not doing this right, I am not doing that right. I am trying my best to hold on to life, to find a purpose to go on in this world that I don't feel I fit in. My whole life was centered towards my husband. My whole adult life from 19 years old to 57 years old was lived around my husband. I made a grave mistake to live my life through him. That I concur was a mistake but I loved him so much, he was my everything. I feel as if I am broken. I feel dead inside. I often told him when he goes, I go. Having no children, no family, he was the reason I lived.
Now I am all alone, just ME and my two doggies, who are 12 years old. People are trying to fix me, telling me I need to do this, I need to do that, I am not taking care of myself. I am the broken toy, sitting on the shelf, looking down at the child on the floor playing. Everyone who I know wants to fix me but they don't have the tools to put me back together again, they become frustrated and slam the door.
I try to interact into society but I find no joy in life right now, no purpose. The other day, I went downtown, to watch all the festivities. I walked around, smiled and sat on chair on sidewalk and people watched and I walked in the park and talked to woman who had two dogs like mine. I felt dead inside and drove home crying. Everyone was with somone else. The laughter, the voices, the music, was somewhat familiar to me, but I could not participate, I am all alone. Pleasure, joy, laughter, is something I experienced with my husband.
I miss him so so much. It is a struggle for me to live. I have lost 20 pounds or more since he left. I don't enjoy food. It is not much fun eating by myself, cooking for myself. He loved my cooking. I find myself talking to him all of the time.
I don't make a good friend, I don't make a good anything. If I go someplace, I want to come right back home to be in my house where I can feel my husband.
Hopefully, in time I will make it out of this cloud of grief that has surrounded my very soul. I have one friend who has been here for me and seriously if it wasn't for her I would not be alive. I would never tell her that. She lifts me up, she is the sunshine in my life. God brought her into my life and I feel so indebted to her. She is a great teacher to me.
I am the toy sitting on the shelf, broken.
Last edited by smilinpretty; 10-09-2012 at 01:08 AM..
smilinpretty, thank you for such a beautiful post. I am so sorry that you are going through all this right now. I really don't know what to say to console you other than I personally know how you are feeling. My husband and I were married for 32 wonderful years, and he has been gone now 6 months.
I too find it difficult to go places and see couples together; I think of how lucky they are. It is hard to go to the grocery store and see the things I used to buy for him, some of his favorites. No one can understand that unless they are going through it.
I can tell you that I spoke to a pastor that was literally a Godsend in my life. He was a complete stranger that took the time to listen to me bawl for an hour and a half. It helped to release some of that grief. I don't know how I would be today if he had not come into my life. I ended up joining the church and I know that he is there for me anytime.
Don't worry about what other people say....or don't say. Some of my "friends" just don't approach the subject, it's like they really don't want to know. You have to live for you now and find your way, sometimes one minute at a time.
It has gotten a little bit easier for me at times, but I still ache inside, cry at the drop of a hat, and am generally depressed. I have my 2 dogs and 2 cats and I keep going for them. I have family in other states, so I am basically alone. Wish we lived close so we could go to lunch, sit and talk and share. I think sharing helps. Coming here to this forum helps me so much. YOU are all my true friends, because you understand what I am going through.
It has been 15 weeks now since my husband passed away. I devoted my life to him and he was my only and everything. So many people who had said "they loved me" slammed the door into my face and walked away. I am not doing this right, I am not doing that right. I am trying my best to hold on to life, to find a purpose to go on in this world that I don't feel I fit in. My whole life was centered towards my husband. My whole adult life from 19 years old to 57 years old was lived around my husband. I made a grave mistake to live my life through him. That I concur was a mistake but I loved him so much, he was my everything. I feel as if I am broken. I feel dead inside. I often told him when he goes, I go. Having no children, no family, he was the reason I lived. Now I am all alone, just ME and my two doggies, who are 12 years old. People are trying to fix me, telling me I need to do this, I need to do that, I am not taking care of myself. I am the broken toy, sitting on the shelf, looking down at the child on the floor playing. Everyone who I know wants to fix me but they don't have the tools to put me back together again, they become frustrated and slam the door. I try to interact into society but I find no joy in life right now, no purpose. The other day, I went downtown, to watch all the festivities. I walked around, smiled and sat on chair on sidewalk and people watched and I walked in the park and talked to woman who had two dogs like mine. I felt dead inside and drove home crying. Everyone was with somone else. The laughter, the voices, the music, was somewhat familiar to me, but I could not participate, I am all alone. Pleasure, joy, laughter, is something I experienced with my husband. I miss him so so much. It is a struggle for me to live. I have lost 20 pounds or more since he left. I don't enjoy food. It is not much fun eating by myself, cooking for myself. He loved my cooking. I find myself talking to him all of the time. I don't make a good friend, I don't make a good anything. If I go someplace, I want to come right back home to be in my house where I can feel my husband. Hopefully, in time I will make it out of this cloud of grief that has surrounded my very soul. I have one friend who has been here for me and seriously if it wasn't for her I would not be alive. I would never tell her that. She lifts me up, she is the sunshine in my life. God brought her into my life and I feel so indebted to her. She is a great teacher to me.
I am the toy sitting on the shelf, broken.
I am so sorry for your loss and trust me when I tell you, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My first husband and I were married 10 years and they were horrible. He cheated, drank, smoked dope and finally after he ran off with a married woman and left me and his only son WAAAY up in Northern Maine with no money, no food, no wood for heat....I decided to leave him up there with her. I moved back to CT with our son and raised him alone. I remarried when my son was 21 years old...8 mos. after that marriage, my husband had a heart attack and was unable to work. He lived another 6 months and then died at home..massive heart attack. He had been my 7th grade sweetheart and the love of my life for sure. We had a short time together but I felt I had been placed in his life for a reason...to love him and be loved by him so we would both know what it was all about.
I pledged to not ever marry again after having had two bad experiences. Shortly after my second husband's death, I had to have a complete hystorectomy for a growth on my ovary. They were looking for cancer..this was not more than 3 mos. after he passed away. I was beyond stressed. Operation was over with..all was ok and THEN I get laid off from a job I had held for 15 years!! UGH.....what next!!!
I found a job at a small computer software resellers as a Purchasing Agent..loved my job, son was still living at home and had become engaged to a wonderful girl AND I met my present husband. It had been a few years since the death of my husband and I had medically settled down so it was yet another new beginning for me and I took it!! I have now been with the same man for 15 years..married for 10 of those years and life for me although had been somewhat topsy turvy has been good. In 2008, I had to have surgery for an Upper Thoracic Aneurysm that was twisted and had done some damage to a valve in my heart. 9 Hours of surgery at Yale New Haven Hospital and I am still here and still plugging along..you have to...life is so precious.
Moral to my story...you can't ever give up on life. No matter what God hands you trust that he will never give you more to handle than he thinks you can take care of. I asked my present husband WHY was I placed in Northern Maine with a drunk who didn't take care of me let alone our precious son? WHY was my second husband put into my life for such a short time then taken? WHY was I so medically challenged for a time..oh..I forgot...I had gained weight during some of this and was 304 lbs about 2 years ago...at 5'3" tall...not so good. WHY all these challenges?? Has to be a moral to this saga of mine and it is called STRENGTH and helping others with my story..which I hope is what this all has done for you.
Give yourself time to grieve. It took me at least 5 years to totally stop crying over the death of my husband...I loved him so and had to seek professional counseling for a time..perhaps 2 years I believe. My poor head was ready to explode with all that was going thru it. The counseling helped but the realization that you have a purpose on this earth is what will pull you through..don't ever give up..PLEASE!! There are many bigger and better things out there waiting for you. Trust in your love you have for your husband and trust that he does still watch over you and would want you to push forward with life. God Bless and know that he is watching!
Smilin, everyone seems to know what is best for you without asking YOU - isn't that the way it always goes in life? It's so easy to be an armchair quarterback, but unfortunately what works for one doesn't work for all. I know it must be awful. I have never experienced that kind of loss but I have seen others who did and I have imagined what it would be like to be or feel that I am all alone in the world, and it's just too awful to imagine.
You are loved by someone - your friend whom you mention - TELL HER what an inspiration she is to you. I think in times of deep distress sometimes we find an anchor, but sometimes they don't know if they are doing well or not. Tell her you love her for being such a rock for you right now and thank her for standing by you during this very difficult time. She is a precious friend, the one who knows what to say and do to help you on your path.
Blessings and peace to you today. I would imagine this is a lot like other kinds of recovery...one day at a time, one minute at a time. Your purpose right now is to mend. Take the time to do that - it is very early in your grieving process. As trite as it sounds, eat right, exercise, and try to rest. Do one thing you personally enjoy every day, something you enjoyed while your husband was still alive...read a few chapters in a book, watch your favorite show, drink a cup of special coffee or tea, stitch on a quilt, scrapbook your memories, sit in the sunshine. Whatever you can find that will bring you a few moments of joy. I know it must be so hard, but you have to try. I suspect there are more people who love you and are concerned about you than you imagine, but when people don't know what to do or say they don't do anything at all and we end up feeling abandoned and they end up feeling useless.
smilinpretty, I've been thinking about you all day since I read your post first thing this morning. I just couldn't wait to tell you that this evening. My heart aches for your pain. I hope you were able to find a moment today that was a little brighter. Please know that I care.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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smilinpretty, one thing I have learned in the almost three years since my husband died (1080 days--yes, I still mark the days) is that no one knows exactly how you feel. Even those who have lost spouses don't know exactly how you feel. We have a pretty good idea, but loss and grief are so personal, that only you know how you really feel. When it comes to people who think you should move on, or get over it, they aren't you. They don't know what you need, or what you feel comfortable doing. You have to move at your own pace because if you don't, you will look back with resentment that you let others tell you how to mourn, and you didn't have the chance to heal for you. You were moving on to please them, instead. Don't cheat yourself out of your feelings and never regret your feelings.
Grieving takes time, and the deepest grieving may not have happened yet. Everyone is different. Some grieve immediately and deeply, then quickly get back into life; others slide slowly into it and after many months, or a year, gradually begin to move forward. If you feel like you're becoming depressed (which is normal), you might want to see your doctor. Many of us have had to rely on medications to help us out. It's fairly common. You might also want to look into a support group through your local hospital, hospice or a Meet-Up group in your city. Support groups, even informal widow's coffee groups, can bring comfort in being with others who understand what you're going through. You can talk or cry all you want, and everyone understands.
I hope you can learn to tune out the people who are hurting you, and lean on your friend, or come here to talk. The best choice would be to find a real life group of women who will understand and give you support. Otherwise, we're here 24/7. {{{{Hugs}}}}...
smilinpretty, one thing I have learned in the almost three years since my husband died (1080 days--yes, I still mark the days) is that no one knows exactly how you feel. Even those who have lost spouses don't know exactly how you feel. We have a pretty good idea, but loss and grief are so personal, that only you know how you really feel. When it comes to people who think you should move on, or get over it, they aren't you. They don't know what you need, or what you feel comfortable doing. You have to move at your own pace because if you don't, you will look back with resentment that you let others tell you how to mourn, and you didn't have the chance to heal for you. You were moving on to please them, instead. Don't cheat yourself out of your feelings and never regret your feelings.
Grieving takes time, and the deepest grieving may not have happened yet. Everyone is different. Some grieve immediately and deeply, then quickly get back into life; others slide slowly into it and after many months, or a year, gradually begin to move forward. If you feel like you're becoming depressed (which is normal), you might want to see your doctor. Many of us have had to rely on medications to help us out. It's fairly common. You might also want to look into a support group through your local hospital, hospice or a Meet-Up group in your city. Support groups, even informal widow's coffee groups, can bring comfort in being with others who understand what you're going through. You can talk or cry all you want, and everyone understands.
I hope you can learn to tune out the people who are hurting you, and lean on your friend, or come here to talk. The best choice would be to find a real life group of women who will understand and give you support. Otherwise, we're here 24/7. {{{{Hugs}}}}...
You have definately captured this so well , God bless you for putting into words what I could 'nt . Thank you for this and im glad someone was able to put it into words .. You are good with words you should write a book take care ..
It has been 15 weeks now since my husband passed away. I devoted my life to him and he was my only and everything. So many people who had said "they loved me" slammed the door into my face and walked away. I am not doing this right, I am not doing that right. I am trying my best to hold on to life, to find a purpose to go on in this world that I don't feel I fit in. My whole life was centered towards my husband. My whole adult life from 19 years old to 57 years old was lived around my husband. I made a grave mistake to live my life through him. That I concur was a mistake but I loved him so much, he was my everything. I feel as if I am broken. I feel dead inside. I often told him when he goes, I go. Having no children, no family, he was the reason I lived.
Now I am all alone, just ME and my two doggies, who are 12 years old. People are trying to fix me, telling me I need to do this, I need to do that, I am not taking care of myself. I am the broken toy, sitting on the shelf, looking down at the child on the floor playing. Everyone who I know wants to fix me but they don't have the tools to put me back together again, they become frustrated and slam the door.
I try to interact into society but I find no joy in life right now, no purpose. The other day, I went downtown, to watch all the festivities. I walked around, smiled and sat on chair on sidewalk and people watched and I walked in the park and talked to woman who had two dogs like mine. I felt dead inside and drove home crying. Everyone was with somone else. The laughter, the voices, the music, was somewhat familiar to me, but I could not participate, I am all alone. Pleasure, joy, laughter, is something I experienced with my husband.
I miss him so so much. It is a struggle for me to live. I have lost 20 pounds or more since he left. I don't enjoy food. It is not much fun eating by myself, cooking for myself. He loved my cooking. I find myself talking to him all of the time.
I don't make a good friend, I don't make a good anything. If I go someplace, I want to come right back home to be in my house where I can feel my husband.
Hopefully, in time I will make it out of this cloud of grief that has surrounded my very soul. I have one friend who has been here for me and seriously if it wasn't for her I would not be alive. I would never tell her that. She lifts me up, she is the sunshine in my life. God brought her into my life and I feel so indebted to her. She is a great teacher to me.
I am the toy sitting on the shelf, broken.
I'm very sorry for your loss. You might feel this way for a long time to come. But your friend sounds like a very good friend. She might appreciate you telling her what you wrote here. --- that she's the sunshine in your life.
I sent smilinpretty a DM and included this poem. I decided to share it because it can help others.
I did write this!
********
Cyclone
The thorn tree in the whirlwind
pierces straight into my heart
Each prick is like a dagger
that is tearing me apart
As I spin in mass confusion
wondering where I'm going to land
I'm lost within the cyclone
as I try to understand
To spirit pass our loved ones
through the tunnel spinning 'round
They leave us with our sorrow
in a twister off the ground
I reach beyond the whirlwind
seeking shelter from the storm
Looking for safe haven
and a soul to keep me warm
And there outside the cyclone
a wondrous sight to see
The world beyond is steady
my soul can now break free
Very nice, tulani. Thank you for sharing with the rest of us.
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