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SunnyTXsmile..A little more about "baskets"...Some people have been trying to invite me into their "baskets." (Their families and their lives etc.) And this is so nice!...But I'm not quite at the "plug-in stage" just yet...Rushing right into the new "baskets" means putting my grief on "hold." And acting like I'm "fine." (When this isn't exactly true yet.)...I think it's important to take a little time out to honor my "dead." To honor all the people who have been part of the "tapestry" and "fabric" of my life...It's good to know that there are some new "baskets" waiting for me when I'm ready to step into them. (Or if I feel like stepping into them!)...The truth is that I have one "basket" left and it has my name on it!...And over time I'll decide what I want to put in my "basket." And whether I want to gather-up some new "baskets" along the way for my "eggs!"...Right now I want to honor my "veterans" and my "dead" and all that they contributed to my life! (And how they contributed to making me "who I am" today!)...Have you ever felt like this?..I don't mind stepping into other "baskets" at times. But don't ask me to "sweep" my loved ones under the "rug" at this particular point in time! (Because I still have more grieving and "honoring" left to do!)
That is an interesting way to look at it. Yes, I believe I did experience something similar, and handled it similarly, at first. Eventually I got to the point, though, at least for myself, that I was ready to begin building new relationships (really, I wasn't ready, but tossed myself into it just the same, kind of like taking medicine) because I felt I was spending so much time reflecting on the past and mourning that which I no longer had that I wasn't living in the now.
I think we absolutely need to allow time to lick our wounds, but that can lead to serious depression or even suicidal thoughts (it did for me, any way) so at some point you just have to pull off that band-aid and jump in the deep end. At first you'll be treading water, and eventually, with enough time you'll be swimming. Then, with even more time, you'll actually be enjoying your time in the water.
I believe that "fake it until I make it" is what has helped me the most. Getting out around people, or even talking on here, forces me to put on a fake smile because who wants to be a Debbie Downer? Eventually, the smile become less fake and you become at least content, with punctuations of deep sadness (vs 24-hr sadness). Then, eventually the bad episodes are spaced further and further apart, though no easier to deal with. The positive side is that at least I'm going in the right direction, where my loved ones would want me to be: happy. I still struggle, but I've learned coping skills and am getting there one day and smile (fake then, but now real) at a time.
SunnyTXsmile...Thanks for sharing your "fake it 'til you make it" philosophy...I may have to do this in time!..I've never been much of a "social butterfly" and do better in "one-on-one" situations..I'm not used to being part of big extended families..One friend "meant well" and got her entire family involved in my situation. So I get calls from my friend's sisters and even one sister's friend...My phone number was passed around to everyone...It's nice that everyone cares. But sometimes I feel like a "charity case." And everyone has "advice" for me!...None of this is normal for me! I've been pretty independent and self-sufficient during my life...I've been more of a "go-it-aloner" except for my husband and sons and just a very few close friends..So this is why I have some reluctance when it comes to jumping right into the "baskets" that have offered to me so far!...I'm sure I probably come across as a rebel or naughty or "ungrateful child" because I don't automatically follow everyone's "advice." And none of this is helpful for me right now.
SunnyTXsmile...Thanks for sharing your "fake it 'til you make it" philosophy...I may have to do this in time!..I've never been much of a "social butterfly" and do better in "one-on-one" situations..I'm not used to being part of big extended families..One friend "meant well" and got her entire family involved in my situation. So I get calls from my friend's sisters and even one sister's friend...My phone number was passed around to everyone...It's nice that everyone cares. But sometimes I feel like a "charity case." And everyone has "advice" for me!...None of this is normal for me! I've been pretty independent and self-sufficient during my life...I've been more of a "go-it-aloner" except for my husband and sons and just a very few close friends..So this is why I have some reluctance when it comes to jumping right into the "baskets" that have offered to me so far!...I'm sure I probably come across as a rebel or naughty or "ungrateful child" because I don't automatically follow everyone's "advice." And none of this is helpful for me right now.
I completely get all of that. I get your side, and I get their side. People tend to offer to others what they value themselves. That's probably what they would want others to do if they were in your shoes, however, only you know what is right for you and when.
I'd be beyond flattered that someone's entire family cared enough to do that. However, if it's not right for you right now, there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with that. You need to take care of you. Only you know what you need. And whatever you need, that's okay. Your needs may change with time, or even several times within the same day. That's okay, too.
After my Mom died, I went to her condo in FL to wrap up her estate, and I had to get the A/C repaired while there. The repairman saw her name on all the holy cards and Mass booklets I had piled on the dining table. He said her name sounded familiar. I was skeptical, but said, "Well, she did write a lot of letters to the editor". He said THAT'S IT!!! He remembered seeing her name on all her feisty letters to the paper -- mostly political rants -- and he said he always agreed with her.
Also, at her viewing, I had on display a copy of a book she had written in 1998 on her memories of her family. It wasn't a "genealogy" book -- it was her memories of each parent and sibling and life in a big Irish Catholic family, similar to "Angela's Ashes". Some people actually were looking through the book at the viewing, and told me they'd like to read it. One was a young cousin, and one was a friend who didn't know my Mom at all. I made them both copies of the book.
My Mom would LOVE that people who didn't even know her still appreciate the legacy she has left us.
SunnyTXsmile...I don't mean to be ungrateful when it comes to my friend and her family...But I don't want to be pulled into a lot of "stuff" either or be asked to play a "role" in the scheme of things...My friend's oldest sister is definitely the "matriarch" of the family. (Or the "boss!")...At times the other family members pretend to agree with her just to avoid conflicts...Or they keep secrets from her. (At least for awhile.)...So everything isn't always out in the "open." There is a lot of pretense and "hush-hush stuff."....It's not in my nature to keep secrets or "beat around the bush" or automatically "fall in line" like the other sisters (and family friends) tend to do when it comes to "Big Sis!"...My husband came from a large family where this kind of "stuff" played-out too. There was an "established hierarchy" and my husband was way down at the bottom as the youngest of 5 brothers...He joined the military at a young age to get away and "feel free."...I grew-up as an only child in a smallish family. My parents respected my boundaries and my "rights" as I grew older. And I tried to be this way with my sons too. (I didn't want to play "queen bee" with them or "meddling mom" or "busy-body" etc.)
Avalon08...I'd love to read your Mom's book too! Can you self-publish it and market/distribute it through the Internet?..Or is it too personal?...I was going through some boxes today and I found some of my older son's poems and prose...He wrote satire and science fiction...I always considered his writing a bit on the cynical side. He was an "irony of life" kind of guy! Where my younger son had a tendency to be "Mr. Positive!"...I'm probably a little of both!...Anyway I'd love to read your Mom's account of growing-up in a large Irish Catholic family! My Mom was Irish and Catholic too!
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I'm learning that family relationships are important. I am estranged from two of my children, mostly their decisions. They estranged themselves before my husband died, and it hasn't gotten better. They have done some pretty awful things to us/me over the last five years.
My mother-in-law passed away in 1997, and my daughter who was estranged came to see her in hospice on a day she knew we wouldn't be there. My mil was very weak, and fading fast. She'd had a strained relationship with this granddaughter, and they weren't close, but she said took her hand and said, "I love you." That made a huge impact on my daughter. The Grandma she had been rather mean to, still forgave her and loved her. I know how hard that was for my mil to say in light of how strained their relationship had been. Now that I'm seeing my mortality in light of my husband's sudden passing at a young (59) age, I'm seeing that mending fences, or at least reaching to try to mend them, can bring peace. It will probably not change our estrangements, they won't come to my funeral, and will likely do the happy dance when they find out I've died, but at least I'll know that I made the effort to try and change things. I will say I'm sorry. I will reach out. I'll be at peace, regardless of whether they want me in their lives or not.
Make peace with your family if you can. At least reach out and try. You'll feel better for making the effort, even if it isn't received well.
I'm learning that family relationships are important. I am estranged from two of my children, mostly their decisions. They estranged themselves before my husband died, and it hasn't gotten better. They have done some pretty awful things to us/me over the last five years.
My mother-in-law passed away in 1997, and my daughter who was estranged came to see her in hospice on a day she knew we wouldn't be there. My mil was very weak, and fading fast. She'd had a strained relationship with this granddaughter, and they weren't close, but she said took her hand and said, "I love you." That made a huge impact on my daughter. The Grandma she had been rather mean to, still forgave her and loved her. I know how hard that was for my mil to say in light of how strained their relationship had been. Now that I'm seeing my mortality in light of my husband's sudden passing at a young (59) age, I'm seeing that mending fences, or at least reaching to try to mend them, can bring peace. It will probably not change our estrangements, they won't come to my funeral, and will likely do the happy dance when they find out I've died, but at least I'll know that I made the effort to try and change things. I will say I'm sorry. I will reach out. I'll be at peace, regardless of whether they want me in their lives or not.
Make peace with your family if you can. At least reach out and try. You'll feel better for making the effort, even if it isn't received well.
Marcy, it is eerie that you and I are so much alike! I read your post this morning and it brought me to tears. I am estranged from my son in Colorado, and have been for several years, and from my sister in Phoenix, for many years.
Regarding making peace with an estranged family member, our pastor says as a Christian, we must forgive everyone who has harmed us. Even if they chose not to receive our forgiveness, we must forgive them and have peace in our heart that we forgave. I thought that was pretty profound.
I am struggling with a couple of things now....tearing flowing as I type this....reconnecting with my sister in Phoenix. She has always been on a higher social status than me and brushed me/us aside many years ago. 30 days after Jim died, she sent me a sympathy card with a note in it. I did not respond. She has always been the type that she will kiss you to your face, stab you in the back in the next breath. She has never been a genuine person, but rather two-faced. I am 63 and she is 66, so we're not getting any younger. What a way for "seniors" to act (that includes myself).
My other problem is my daughter who lives in WA state. She has 3 kids and would like nothing more than to have me move back up there. She is a drama queen, extremely self-centered, and gave us HELL during her teenage years. I am a grandmother who does not know her grandkids. That breaks my heart. One of my problems is that I LOVE Tennessee, this has been home for 6 years. I have a great job, a wonderful pastor and church family, and great neighbors. My husband is buried in the Veterans National Cemetery in Chattanooga, only 75 miles from home. I just don't think that visiting WA would be the same as living near the grandkids.
So I am so torn right now. I know I shouldn't rush into any decision....I am trying to process living alone after being married for 32 years......but your post about mending relationships and family has really hit home for me. I will pray that God leads me in the right direction. He has been there for me....always...but since my husband died, He has put all the right people in my life.
I am not sure if this is positive or not, but death has taught me not to be afraid of.....death.
It has taught me never to go a day without stopping to smell the roses. That has actually made my life much better. Taking time for the little things brings such a positive air in ones life.
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