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Yes, I believe time heals most wounds but the death of a loved one seems like more of "getting used to it", IMO. Maybe it's the same thing, IDK. I have, truly gotten over romances I thought I would die when we broke up but this.....I don't think I will be TRULY OVER my husband's death for as long as I live. I feel like I am just "coping" and "getting used" to being by myself. There doesn't seem to be a minute that he is not on my mind. Even when I'm not thinking of him, he's there in the deep reccess of my mind. I can almost "feel" him in there. Maybe I'm regressing, IDK. Maybe it's the season. I just know I am happiest alone, in my house where I don't have to "fake it" for anything. I'm not a total recluse but I sure enjoy my solitude whereas before, I'd go out for no reason, just to go out. Going out seems to be a burden now. I'd rather stay here on my 'puter or watching tv and my only company being my animals.
Ani, wonderful post again. I forget, are you a professional? You sound so wise.
I totally agree with you. Both of my parents died when I was young, and I know I'll never "get over it" even though it hasn't been that long. I know that for the rest of my life I'll tolerate it because I have to, and I think anyone who loses someone they truly love feels that way. I think about my parents every single day, but I've moved on in the sense that I enjoy life, food, travel..but I'm not over the trauma. It tags along everywhere I go, but I'm used to it. It's like a constant contradiction.
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Originally Posted by taulery
Thank you.
I can't describe my feelings. That man and I talked for a little over an hour. He cried more than I did. He described watching science shows about electricity and the flickers, like the old days when you turn off the TV and the screen is still bright and the then glows to the point in the middle, and then vanishes.
That's exactly what I felt, too, seeing my Mom slip away. And then my cousin dies so suddenly. And now this man's son, what a tragic way he died (I won't say). But her is his father, still using his son's cell phone, and telling me of how they talked about buying the new nest edition. And then he cried again. I honestly felt as though all the souls that had gone before from my life were now rallying behind me, reaching through me, and listening, with my arms reached out slightly. Yes, I hugged him, twice. We cried together.
This reminds me of the Christmases at the cancer hospital, where everyone there knows, but are all filled with kindness and smiles. I think I need to go there tomorrow.
That was a nice story. Not that I would ever wish tragedy onto someone else, but it's easier to connect with people who understand. It's like you share a deeper bond than common interests or backgrounds. I have a friend who lost a sibling, and we have a special connection because we both lost someone too early when we were too young and we can't relate to a lot of other people our age. We can talk to each other about life and death and dreams and other confusing things without it being weird because we both know exactly what we are talking about. I can't share these things with other people. I can say them out loud and people understand in a distant sense but not really.
The holidays themselves don't really bother me too much. I even sort of like them. Not so much the Christmas music, but that's just because I never cared for it. I also actively block memories that would cause sad feelings. When I was shopping for ornaments the other day, I specifically avoided the ones that reminded me of my parents' decorations because I don't want to look at them. When I notice something that upsets me, I push my mind to other things. Takes a lot of effort but gets me by.
I'll be talking about holiday grief tonight on D-Talks Radio Show. It will also be featured on BlogTalk Radio. 6PM Pacific, 9PM EST. Grief & Healing During the Holidays
It's such a hard time of year for anyone dealing with grief. I'm glad shows like this are talking about it. We'll discuss ways to help someone else as well as ways other families handle grief during the holidays.
I'll be talking about holiday grief tonight on D-Talks Radio Show. It will also be featured on BlogTalk Radio. 6PM Pacific, 9PM EST. Grief & Healing During the Holidays
It's such a hard time of year for anyone dealing with grief. I'm glad shows like this are talking about it. We'll discuss ways to help someone else as well as ways other families handle grief during the holidays.
Thanks, akm. I will record my tv shows and try and remember to tune into you tonight.
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This is my fourth Christmas without Bob, and it's still hard. Hanging his childhood ornaments, or ones I'd given to him was sob-inducing. Again. Memories of Christmasses past. I tried to watch some DVD's of home movies I'd transferred from VHS, but, still just too difficult....
Hi ya, Marcy. I do just the opposite. I avoid all things that I know would cause me the pain. At least in this first year. I don't need to cause self-inflicted pain to myself.
I wanted to add something about "holiday music." Yes, this can trigger a lot of deep feelings . . . the way I have coped w/ that is to make a playlist of my top favorite holiday songs. None of the rest of them "count." If I hear the exact song by that particular musician (for ex., Karen Carpenter singing "Merry Christmas, Darling") . . . then I think - okay, that is like a sign from my loved one.
This way, all the songs I hear while shopping or out and about are "heard" in an analytical way. I attach no importance to them b/c they are not THE songs that represent something special between me and my loved one. Then, if I do hear one of THE SONGS ON THE LIST, I can enjoy it and it makes me smile to think the universe provided me with a few moments of enjoyment in memory of my loved one.
Maybe that won't help anyone else, but it sure has worked for me.
Wow...maybe the reason I absolutely despise holiday music is because:
1) My grandpa died in late October 2000 (goodbye, Holiday cheer - didn't affect me so much directly, but it did my dad)
2) My dad died at the beginning of October 2006 (goodbye, Dad)
3) My brain tumor was discovered in early October 2009 and finally diagnosed (after debilitating brain surgery) in late October 2009 (goodbye, future plans and normal life)
Interestingly, though, I don't think lowly of October. It brings back some sad memories and unpleasant feelings, especially with the change of weather, but they are not overpowering. The holidays that follow, though, beginning with Thanksgiving season and ending with the New Year, are very melancholy and depressing for me.
My DH died at Christmas. The next year I could hardly bring myself to do anything to acknowledge the season. I did put up a miniature Christmas tree with lights just so the house wouldn't look so gloomy. We always had a big celebration at my home, with all our adult children who came long distances to spend Christmas with us. I always sang in the choir for midnight Mass.
So the first Christmas he was gone we all went to my daughter's home in another city. We just couldn't bear to do Christmas as usual without him. It was a nice if subdued Christmas and somewhat tearful. I missed singing in the choir but I went to Mass at a church in her city and enjoyed hearing their choir sing.
Now I am coming up on the second Christmas without him. I live in a far distant place now near family. Christmas will once again be celebrated at my house. Decorating the tree brought on sadness because many of the ornaments were bought on trips we took together. I don't know how I will do on Christmas. I suspect I will be too busy cooking and serving to do much grieving. But I imagine that Christmas from now on will be tinged with sadness.
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