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My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 espohageal cancer recently and I have found that this news has hit me much harder than I expected. She has opted not to be treated and her life expectancy can be measured in months. We have always had a strained relationship-- she comes from an abusive background and is very negative and arrested developmentally. She often says very insensitive and hurtful things such as how she never wanted to have children, that we were mistakes, etc.
The nail in our relationship coffin came when I was 16 and finally told her that I had been sexually abused by a family member. I had carried that secret for years and when I finally had the courage to tell, she responded by shrugging and saying "that is just something that happens." I am now in my 30s and we chat now and then, but I am not close to her by design. She is equally awkward with me. I invited her to my wedding and she didn't come, saying it was "too far" to travel, but she regularly visits my younger sibling who lives as far away.
This illness is bringing up a lot of memories, lots painful, some pleasant, and I find myself unable to control my crying and emotional response. Has anyone else gone through a complicated grieving process for someone who was not always loving? How did you deal with it? What helped?
My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 espohageal cancer recently and I have found that this news has hit me much harder than I expected. She has opted not to be treated and her life expectancy can be measured in months. We have always had a strained relationship-- she comes from an abusive background and is very negative and arrested developmentally. She often says very insensitive and hurtful things such as how she never wanted to have children, that we were mistakes, etc.
The nail in our relationship coffin came when I was 16 and finally told her that I had been sexually abused by a family member. I had carried that secret for years and when I finally had the courage to tell, she responded by shrugging and saying "that is just something that happens." I am now in my 30s and we chat now and then, but I am not close to her by design. She is equally awkward with me. I invited her to my wedding and she didn't come, saying it was "too far" to travel, but she regularly visits my younger sibling who lives as far away.
This illness is bringing up a lot of memories, lots painful, some pleasant, and I find myself unable to control my crying and emotional response. Has anyone else gone through a complicated grieving process for someone who was not always loving? How did you deal with it? What helped?
I'm very sorry for your situation, confused. I do not have any answers since I have no experience with your situaton except for you mom's type of cancer. I hope someone here will be able to offer you some guidance.
I'm very sorry for your situation, confused. I do not have any answers since I have no experience with your situaton except for you mom's type of cancer. I hope someone here will be able to offer you some guidance.
All my best,
~tami~
Thanks so much. I am in therapy, but I also think it helps to hear how others have processed something like this.
I think I didn't answer you OP correctly, confused. I don't know what it's like to have a mother with whom I have a contensious relationship with while knowing she was dying but I did have a contensious relationship with my mother.
Immediately after she died, I was devestated but happy. I was happy to no longer be under her thumb. I no longer had to answer to her. I was my own person now. (I still had my dad) Then somewhere along the line I started to feel guilty about my feelings towards her. I have since resolved all those feelings and know I DID have reason to be mad/happy and that my guilt was only natural. I have expressed all those feelings to myself and have given myself permission to go back to just loving her as my mother and understand she did the best she could and I'm not all that screwed up. My life could have been much, much worse. She apologized to me one day and died within a week. I have finally forgiven her and know that she loved me despite her actions.
This illness is bringing up a lot of memories, lots painful, some pleasant, and I find myself unable to control my crying and emotional response.
I'm sorry to hear your mom is ill, and I'm sorry you didn't have the best relationship with her. I'd imagine that much of what you're grieving now is the fact that you've not had a loving relationship with your mother. I haven't experienced this, but I have several friends who have. It seems a much rougher road than grieving a loving parent; once she's gone, there will be no chance to repair your relationship.
You do still have some time, though. You don't have to forgive her or love her to support her through her last months, and who knows what might happen. Focus on the pleasant memories, for now. You can always deal with the not-so-pleasant stuff later.
If you don't want to spend increased time with her, then support your sibling and help him/her through the end of your mom's life.
Whatever you decide, I wish the best of what is possible for you and your family.
My mother and I were close to some extent, but, not as much as others I've read about. She was 97 when she died and I was matter-of-fact about it, I think. I miss her, yet she was often the source of great anxiety. She made it clear none of her pregnancies were wanted. She encouraged me not to have children. When I was 13, she gave me a fur coat and her diamond engagement ring. My dad left my upbringing to her, so, if he objected to anything, I never knew it. About the coat and the ring, she said those were what women wanted men for, so, since she was giving them to me, I wouldn't need a man. Not really a lovely setting for life goals. LOL When I was about six, an aunt gave me a cute cloth doll, with yellow yarn hair. Mother put it away and 2 or 3 times a year she opened the lid of the chest and I could look at it. When my daughter was born, it's the first thing mother gave her. I surely didn't put it away. I only hoped she decided it had been silly to keep it away from me.
My mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 espohageal cancer recently and I have found that this news has hit me much harder than I expected. She has opted not to be treated and her life expectancy can be measured in months. We have always had a strained relationship-- she comes from an abusive background and is very negative and arrested developmentally. She often says very insensitive and hurtful things such as how she never wanted to have children, that we were mistakes, etc.
The nail in our relationship coffin came when I was 16 and finally told her that I had been sexually abused by a family member. I had carried that secret for years and when I finally had the courage to tell, she responded by shrugging and saying "that is just something that happens." I am now in my 30s and we chat now and then, but I am not close to her by design. She is equally awkward with me. I invited her to my wedding and she didn't come, saying it was "too far" to travel, but she regularly visits my younger sibling who lives as far away.
This illness is bringing up a lot of memories, lots painful, some pleasant, and I find myself unable to control my crying and emotional response. Has anyone else gone through a complicated grieving process for someone who was not always loving? How did you deal with it? What helped?
As both of my parents were dying, we managed to do a lot of healing together.
I wish that your you too, confusedasusual, so that you both are at peace.
You seem to have a good grip on why your mother is the way she is, and you are getting the tools you need to come to terms with your feelings.
If your mother could have done better, she would have done better. I hope you can get to a good place in your life despite her huge shortcomings.
If I were in your place, I guess I would treat her with as much kindness and care as I could. When she is gone, you will be able to feel good that you took the high road.
One thing to consider is you don't have to 'like' her for all the things that happened but you can still love her if only because she is your mother.
I can sort of relate in some ways. I was always afraid of my mother and my dad was not a very loving person at least that is the way I felt. Was it true or just that I don't remember anything that he did that showed affection for me?
I envied my friends who parents were so different than mine. Not that mine were bad compared to some and did things for me. I left home at 19 and moved away and never went back. I was still sad when they passed away but honestly I think it was more from not being closer to them both.
Honestly, psychotherapy. Your feelings are complicated, while most of us would feel feelings of sadness you are also dealing with anger, being ashamed, confused, depressed, overwhelmed, and maybe even happy at times. Its like you are experiencing EVERYTHING at the same time and you start to feel like you are a crazy person.
Your mother may have had an undiagnosed mental condition, or personality disorder. It would be much easier on you if you could see someone and examine that as a possibility. It would help you to acknowledge and accept your feelings so you can move on with your life.
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