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When I was 6 years old, my dad would give me a nickle for every time I would swim the river we lived on across and back. Come to think about it, he still owes me the money. <grin>
I started my genealogy when I retired 15 years ago. Found out my grandfather on finding his wife was pregnant, sent her a letter which I have stating he thought they should go their seperate ways. Later while transcribing my moms day books, I found that my dad had told my mom the same thing. Of course it didn't happen as I have twin brothers 9 years younger. But it was always a chore for me to break my dad into being a family man.
There is usually reasons that people act a certain way. We don't always know the reason until we have to walk in their shoes. IMO
Sorry you had that kind of life Mavin.
I can't believe both your grandfather and father wanted to leave their wives after learning they each got pregnant. I really don't understand those type of men.
Yeah, my dad was a real (insert curse word). I was in 7th grade when he learned of his cancer. He and my mother told my siblings and I that we would be punished if we told anyone he had cancer. Well, my younger sister and brother complied, but clearly my subconscious knew that was emotional abuse, so the next day at school I was like the TMZ of terminal illness and told everyone at school about his cancer. Then the phone calls of sympathy came pouring in from parents and neighbors and his coworkers and sure enough he screamed at me, and I was grounded for a week.
Flash forward eight years later when he developed leukemia with only 10 days to live, it was the same routine. When he told us he was going to die, my mother and siblings wept and that was okay, but when I reacted he told me to "shut up [my name]! What's the matter with you!" Then my mother and siblings chimed in, "shut up [my name]!" So I ran off to a friend's apartment (I was 21 by this time) for a few days, then returned.
By that time my father was in a special hospital bed brought by a hospice team. A few nights before he died, I went into his bedroom, shut the door, and proceeded to unleash 21 years of anger and frustration over the way he treated me to the point where started to weep and pleaded for me to stop. I concluded with, "You were a lousy father to me and I"ll never forgive you for that. Never. I hope you rot in hell." Then I left the room and he died three days later.
Last edited by Midwest Maven; 01-22-2013 at 10:45 AM..
Were you the oldest, Maven? Maybe he had higher expectations for you. That, by any means, does NOT excuse his treatment of you. Just me wondering aloud. Thank you for sharing with us the lousy relationship he had with you. You were the child, he was the adult so that was HIS fault, not yours. Sounds like you have no regrets about confrontining him and not forgiving him and that is fine. I hope you have been having a happy life.
Were you the oldest, Maven? Maybe he had higher expectations for you. That, by any means, does NOT excuse his treatment of you. Just me wondering aloud. Thank you for sharing with us the lousy relationship he had with you. You were the child, he was the adult so that was HIS fault, not yours. Sounds like you have no regrets about confrontining him and not forgiving him and that is fine. I hope you have been having a happy life.
I am the oldest of three, yes. I don't think he had high expectations of me. Quite the opposite, actually. Every single one of my accomplishments happened without his support or help, and sometimes in spite of his efforts to thwart my efforts to succeed. He never apologized to me when he was wrong. He never congratulated my efforts when I did succeed. When I had symptoms of Lymes disease, he said I was making it up. When I received an official diagnosis, he still refused to believe I had Lymes disease. When I saw a therapist in high school for depression he and my mother accompanied me. Whenever I tried to talk, my father would interrupt me to the point where the therapist told my father to be quiet and let me speak. He wasn't like this with my other two siblings. He never went to my high school plays or music concerts, and refused to attend a father daughter dance with me after he saw the dress I'd picked out. When I went to a high school football game with some friends, he paid my best friend $50 to report back to him all the details. My friend gave me the money and said, "you're dad is messed up." And she was right. You see, I wasn't afraid to confront him about his behavior growing up, which he didn't like, at all. That made me the black sheep, the scapegoat of the family, you could say.He did other things that were far worse than the examples I've shared, believe me. Yes. I agree with you that there was no excuse for the way he treated me when I was a child and learned of his cancer diagnosis. And no, I have no regrets for having the courage to hold my father accountable for his behavior on his deathbed. He was a horrible, manipulative, toxic person. He was very unhappy with his life, and instead of dealing with his problems by himself, took his problems out on his family members.
My father died 9 days after his 46th birthday on Jan. 21, 1968 - 45 years ago. Still miss him and often think of all the questions I should have asked ... but was too young to care ..
My father died two days before his 56th birthday. I was only 22 and newly married. I must have had an intuitive thought. I would usually just give him a wave and say goodbye and out the door. That night I went over and gave him a kiss. Next morning my mom's neighbor called and said he had died during the night. It was a massive heart attack. Very unexpected. I sure would have appreciated him in my life and to know his grandsons born later.
I can't believe both your grandfather and father wanted to leave their wives after learning they each got pregnant. I really don't understand those type of men.
Yeah, my dad was a real (insert curse word). I was in 7th grade when he learned of his cancer. He and my mother told my siblings and I that we would be punished if we told anyone he had cancer. Well, my younger sister and brother complied, but clearly my subconscious knew that was emotional abuse, so the next day at school I was like the TMZ of terminal illness and told everyone at school about his cancer. Then the phone calls of sympathy came pouring in from parents and neighbors and his coworkers and sure enough he screamed at me, and I was grounded for a week.
Flash forward eight years later when he developed leukemia with only 10 days to live, it was the same routine. When he told us he was going to die, my mother and siblings wept and that was okay, but when I reacted he told me to "shut up [my name]! What's the matter with you!" Then my mother and siblings chimed in, "shut up [my name]!" So I ran off to a friend's apartment (I was 21 by this time) for a few days, then returned.
By that time my father was in a special hospital bed brought by a hospice team. A few nights before he died, I went into his bedroom, shut the door, and proceeded to unleash 21 years of anger and frustration over the way he treated me to the point where started to weep and pleaded for me to stop. I concluded with, "You were a lousy father to me and I"ll never forgive you for that. Never. I hope you rot in hell." Then I left the room and he died three days later.
Yes, Maven it was a surprise to me that my dad didn't want me. But I will have to say that all the bad things I had to endure my first 20 years of life (and there were many) only toughtened me up to help get by in later years. I have two daughters that keep telling me how much they appreciate me so my deceased wife raised them prett well and my son called today and said when I was i town the next time he would like to lunch with me. So the hard times are paying off for me and hopefully they will pay off for you in the future. Seems to me that things tend to equal out between good and bad.
Now that you have shared, maybe the memories will begin to fade away. Worked for me!
Yes, Maven it was a surprise to me that my dad didn't want me. But I will have to say that all the bad things I had to endure my first 20 years of life (and there were many) only toughtened me up to help get by in later years. I have two daughters that keep telling me how much they appreciate me so my deceased wife raised them prett well and my son called today and said when I was i town the next time he would like to lunch with me. So the hard times are paying off for me and hopefully they will pay off for you in the future. Seems to me that things tend to equal out between good and bad.
Now that you have shared, maybe the memories will begin to fade away. Worked for me!
(((HUGS)))
Well then you are one of the lucky ones. And your children are indeed lucky to have a healthy parent in you and your wife. I'm sorry for the passing of your wife.
I know it's cliche to blame one's parents for the way one's life turned out (esp. after that parent passes away), but I do blame my father for the way he screwed me up with regards to relationships with men. He screwed up my sister and brother too. My sister is a controlling woman who emasculates her husband on a daily basis, and my brother is a very manipulative, verbally abusive man. Me? After surviving several abusive romantic relationships with men, I decided to take myself permanently off the dating scene. It's the safest choice for me at this stage of my life. I'm too old to have my own children, and not financially wealthy enough to entertain single motherhood either by IVF or adoption. That's life as they say, right?
Anyway, this thread is about missing deceased fathers. I don't miss mine after 20 years so I don't imagine that will change. The father I miss is the one I wish I'd had, instead of the one I got. People who have healthy fathers or mothers are so, so lucky. You really have no idea how lucky you are.
Maven, I think you did the right thing unloading on your father. Bravo to you!
I really tip my hat to you because so many people I have known throughout life are afraid to "settle up" with toxic parents. They just would feel guilty or don't have the nerve to do it. Then when the bad parent dies, the surviving kid lives on and are bitter, angry and frustrated that they never confronted their parent about all the hellish things they were through.
I am pleased that 20 years ago I wrote my toxic father several letters which detailed every single horrible thing he ever did to me. It was a catharsis to do so. I mailed the letters, he became angry and was in denial. But I have never spoken to him since or heard from him. He's 91 and because I got my anger out, I really have little if any anger left towards him. I just feel sort of nothing, which is much better than bitterness! When he dies I will feel next to nothing. But at least I got my anger out years back.
I always encourage colleagues or frends to get their anger out at a parent who has been abusive to them. It really will help you long, long after the lousy parent is dead.
My semi lousy parent apologized to me a week before she died and that helped ease my bad feelings for her. SHE acknowledged that she didn't do such a hot job of bringing me up. That must be a rare occurance and I'm so glad Momma did and helped set me free because I would never have told her to her face that she hadn't been a totally good parent.
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