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jasper...You make some good points when it comes to "lip-service." Talk can be "cheap!"...It's always been hard for me to call and ask other people for help. I don't want to "bother" anyone...My younger son had some "handicaps" in between all of his surgeries and "treatment" for brain tumors. I'm glad I was around to help him. And help him retain some dignity (too) despite the "handicaps."...Good that you are "there" for your SO on a daily basis.
What annoys me, is the "lip service". People told my SO to call them if he needed anything. Well, he is BLIND, he needed rides to church, assistance with yard work, just a ride to Wal Mart if someone was going...he did not want to call and bother people. No one called him.
Then, those same people JUDGE him for having a GF? Including members of his own family!
that's awful! You know what really peeves me right now? I've applied for volunteer work and they won't call me back! I would have totally taken your SO around if he needed.
There needs to be a trades board somewhere - where people can trade services or something in this awful economy
Kat...I don't think I'm that hard to "please." And right now I'd love to go out and have fun with friends. But everyone leads busy lives..So I'm mostly on my own...It seems weird to have friends suddenly "pop" out of the "woodworks" every few weeks (or months or so) and hand me advice. They aren't part of my "everyday world" and don't know me all that well anymore...And it's hard to really "catch-up" in brief phone calls after so much time has passed...I work hard not to become bitter. I know it's my "job" to create a new life for myself. And "reinvent" myself...In time I hope to meet some new friends who are a little more "available." And local...I won't throw my longtime friends "away." But I'm going through a lot of changes and need to hook-up with friends who "fit" the "new me." (Over time.)...Sarah is definitely lucky to have you as a friend!
no, you're not hard to please-and you are absolutely right. I think it's natural to offer advice and try to fix ppl all the time, it's really not meant to harm, but it's funny how it does harm. In small doses that often lead to large pitfalls in relationships, these small doses really build.
Just ask Sarah. Sarah and I still row like we're teenagers, but I think it's healthy. I push and push her until she feels something. I do it to remind me she's still alive and fighting and I do it to exhaust her, so she'll stop playing their love song over and over again and crying or whatever she tortures herself with.
I finally got a set a balls and said "you are driving me crazy stop this already" and she had the balls to spit back "bite me".
I bit her.
I love her. She's a nut. So am I. I hope you find local nuts you can let loose, be yourself, and do whatever you want whenever you want without having to step on eggshells around those who aren't widows.
Kat...I'm glad you and Sarah can play and get
"nutty" together...My son used the term "nutty" all the time. He loved to "play."...It's hard for me to be around totally "straight-laced" people right now who don't have a sense of humor. I know I need to laugh a lot more. (Even laugh at myself!)...I need more "balance" in my life. I've been through far too many deaths and losses. (Just "lost" another cat a few days ago.)...But I'm still "here" and I don't want to end-up living a miserable and unhappy life where the sun never shines anymore. (Ever!)
I can handle some suggestions or questions from friends. It all depends on the way things are "said." Or asked, etc...I don't want to be treated like a stupid child who doesn't know very much...When I talk to people I try to remind myself that I don't know what they "know" or "don't know."...I try to avoid "jumping the gun." Don't want to blurt out all kinds of suggestions (or so-called solutions) to someone's problems. (As if I'm a "savior" who can work "miracles" in other peoples' lives.)..And I want to be treated with respect and dignity too. It's annoying when people treat me like a stupid child or "half-brain."
Thanks Kat. If you want to volunteer call any VA hospital, or senior center.
My SO had a medical emergency last week. Things change constantly. Hopefully he will be home soon, but the house needs to be set up for him to come home.
Kat...I'm glad you and Sarah can play and get
"nutty" together...My son used the term "nutty" all the time. He loved to "play."...It's hard for me to be around totally "straight-laced" people right now who don't have a sense of humor. I know I need to laugh a lot more. (Even laugh at myself!)...I need more "balance" in my life. I've been through far too many deaths and losses. (Just "lost" another cat a few days ago.)...But I'm still "here" and I don't want to end-up living a miserable and unhappy life where the sun never shines anymore. (Ever!)
It's probably easier to be around "new" people who don't know you are a widow, for that kind of humor. I'm generalizing based upon my small group of experiences, but those who don't know can be more relaxed, joke about things, and not walk upon egg shells like those in your group who "know".
I've been working on my book the more you talk to me and adding some things you say to my storyline because you represent an important part of the process-you are in my group called "the hopefuls."
I have a list of different stages of grief and the widows I have talked to that give me advice. Even the ones who tell me to f-off have a group too. These groups help me to break down relationship stages where honesty is the key, and where bravery is the key. In the Hopefuls category, is where I put my widow friends who have said exactly what you just said, "I don't want to end-up living a miserable and unhappy life". They are hopeful that they can continue life but include the traumatic and deep sorrow they will always carry with them. This is has been the core of my book with Sarah because it was that one sentence she said to me, through steamy hot tears, that told me she was fighting a war she felt she would never win.
Every soldier needs backup, and I want to help her fight this war until the very end.
I'm so sorry you lost another cat CA. When Sarah lost both of Baron's cats shortly after he passed, I remember she sent them with messages for "daddy".
I can handle some suggestions or questions from friends. It all depends on the way things are "said." Or asked, etc...I don't want to be treated like a stupid child who doesn't know very much...When I talk to people I try to remind myself that I don't know what they "know" or "don't know."...I try to avoid "jumping the gun." Don't want to blurt out all kinds of suggestions (or so-called solutions) to someone's problems. (As if I'm a "savior" who can work "miracles" in other peoples' lives.)..And I want to be treated with respect and dignity too. It's annoying when people treat me like a stupid child or "half-brain."
O.K. What you said is very important. The way you said it caught my eye. This is a perfect example of why I am writing this story-everyone needs to hear and know these things. Let's break it down-and for all intents and purposes, I'm a non-widow friend (A-Well-Meaning-Friend) who is trying to mend or create a new relationship with you, at this stage of your grief-whatever that stage is- o.k.?
1. I can handle some suggestions or questions from friends. It all depends on the way things are "said." Or asked, etc...I don't want to be treated like a stupid child who doesn't know very much...
O.K. As an unassuming friend or family member, I have no idea how to tackle this complex request. As an assuming friend, (assuming because I assume you are in pain and feeilng deep loss and sorrow, and I should show respect in every way possible), I still can't nail this complex request right off the bat. It's intimidating.
so, you gave me a great start: you don't want to be treated like a stupid child who doesn't know very much. Now, I'm the kind of person (and oh how Sarah knows this about me) that I need to be explained to. I need an example. I need you to tell me in the past, where I have made this grave mistake that has caused you to feel this way. If I didn't make this mistake, please provide an example where someone else has, so I can now relate to what they did, and formulate my suggestion or question to you in a manner that does not offend you. That's a great first step. That opens our communication, it gives me perspective on your feelings at the moment, it gives me an idea of how you want to be spoken to, and I will work to achieve this goal. Guess what? We're communicating, we're honest, and we are off to a brilliant start!!
To start this, it is my responibility to tell you, Hey CA...I need an example. If I'm treating you like a child, I don't realize I'm doing so! Dude, totally not my intent! Unfortunate accident, I wouldn't be here to hurt you on purpose, I'm just lost because once upon a time, I said those things, you know...like back in 1987 and you never got mad, you laughed! Now it pisses you off? Help me learn who you are now, and I will learn how to communicate with you.
2. When I talk to people I try to remind myself that I don't know what they "know" or "don't know."...I try to avoid "jumping the gun." Don't want to blurt out all kinds of suggestions (or so-called solutions) to someone's problems. (As if I'm a "savior" who can work "miracles" in other peoples' lives.)..And I want to be treated with respect and dignity too. It's annoying when people treat me like a stupid child or "half-brain."
And here is the example. So, my next question is, did you offer this exact or close to it, example to your friends? family? have you so boldly told them this? Because if you did, then they aren't understanding your example, dig deeper and provide a time when they treated you like that-make it personal to them if you can remember when they said things, and it will help them to understand. Make them have that "Ah-ha" moment, or as I would say to Sarah "Ah-$ hit" moment.
If you have not said this exact paragraph to them, that's your reason why they continue to make that grave mistake over and over. They simply don't know they are doing it.
This was a brilliant conversation starter for Sarah and I when we were learning to dance together again in our friendship. She finally explained to me the wrong stuff I said. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. But she did me a disservice by not telling me. She failed to stop the cycle. That was her responsibility as my friend. Now, once she told me, it became my responsibility to make sure I 1. understood what that even meant (I can be very dim witted, it's totally safe to assume your non-widow friends are very dimwitted about this subject)
2. understand how to correct it
3. remember to keep correcting it until it becomes our "new norm".
You both have to work together, and CA let me tell you, from experience, this is a ground breaking, heart shattering, enlightening feeling when you go to this place. There is laughter, there is joy, there is mending wounds, and there is love here. Don't ever be afraid to have these conversations. It's part of the bond of friendship, and it's what makes us compatible.
Thanks Kat. If you want to volunteer call any VA hospital, or senior center.
My SO had a medical emergency last week. Things change constantly. Hopefully he will be home soon, but the house needs to be set up for him to come home.
You rock Jasper, and I'll tell you why. My husband's grandpa is cared for at home through VA benefits and my M-I-L is his caretaker. She can train me, and I can go and do that for others. What a great idea!!!
O.K. What you said is very important. The way you said it caught my eye. This is a perfect example of why I am writing this story-everyone needs to hear and know these things. Let's break it down-and for all intents and purposes, I'm a non-widow friend (A-Well-Meaning-Friend) who is trying to mend or create a new relationship with you, at this stage of your grief-whatever that stage is- o.k.?
1. I can handle some suggestions or questions from friends. It all depends on the way things are "said." Or asked, etc...I don't want to be treated like a stupid child who doesn't know very much...
O.K. As an unassuming friend or family member, I have no idea how to tackle this complex request. As an assuming friend, (assuming because I assume you are in pain and feeilng deep loss and sorrow, and I should show respect in every way possible), I still can't nail this complex request right off the bat. It's intimidating.
so, you gave me a great start: you don't want to be treated like a stupid child who doesn't know very much. Now, I'm the kind of person (and oh how Sarah knows this about me) that I need to be explained to. I need an example. I need you to tell me in the past, where I have made this grave mistake that has caused you to feel this way. If I didn't make this mistake, please provide an example where someone else has, so I can now relate to what they did, and formulate my suggestion or question to you in a manner that does not offend you. That's a great first step. That opens our communication, it gives me perspective on your feelings at the moment, it gives me an idea of how you want to be spoken to, and I will work to achieve this goal. Guess what? We're communicating, we're honest, and we are off to a brilliant start!!
To start this, it is my responibility to tell you, Hey CA...I need an example. If I'm treating you like a child, I don't realize I'm doing so! Dude, totally not my intent! Unfortunate accident, I wouldn't be here to hurt you on purpose, I'm just lost because once upon a time, I said those things, you know...like back in 1987 and you never got mad, you laughed! Now it pisses you off? Help me learn who you are now, and I will learn how to communicate with you.
2. When I talk to people I try to remind myself that I don't know what they "know" or "don't know."...I try to avoid "jumping the gun." Don't want to blurt out all kinds of suggestions (or so-called solutions) to someone's problems. (As if I'm a "savior" who can work "miracles" in other peoples' lives.)..And I want to be treated with respect and dignity too. It's annoying when people treat me like a stupid child or "half-brain."
And here is the example. So, my next question is, did you offer this exact or close to it, example to your friends? family? have you so boldly told them this? Because if you did, then they aren't understanding your example, dig deeper and provide a time when they treated you like that-make it personal to them if you can remember when they said things, and it will help them to understand. Make them have that "Ah-ha" moment, or as I would say to Sarah "Ah-$ hit" moment.
If you have not said this exact paragraph to them, that's your reason why they continue to make that grave mistake over and over. They simply don't know they are doing it.
This was a brilliant conversation starter for Sarah and I when we were learning to dance together again in our friendship. She finally explained to me the wrong stuff I said. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. But she did me a disservice by not telling me. She failed to stop the cycle. That was her responsibility as my friend. Now, once she told me, it became my responsibility to make sure I 1. understood what that even meant (I can be very dim witted, it's totally safe to assume your non-widow friends are very dimwitted about this subject)
2. understand how to correct it
3. remember to keep correcting it until it becomes our "new norm".
You both have to work together, and CA let me tell you, from experience, this is a ground breaking, heart shattering, enlightening feeling when you go to this place. There is laughter, there is joy, there is mending wounds, and there is love here. Don't ever be afraid to have these conversations. It's part of the bond of friendship, and it's what makes us compatible.
Excellent post. I think it pertains to anyone who lost someone they loved.
MSR
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