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Jude...It's not always easy to be a "venting outlet." (Good way of putting it!)...I prefer to be around people who give some thought to how their words and tone (and constant negativity) may be effecting others. (Especially when they are with someone who is going through "rough times" too.)...I hope you'll be able to find some new friends who are a little more sensitive and "balanced."...One of my local friends wasn't much of a talker when we first met. She lost her sister (and other family members) and "shutting-down" was her way of dealing with all of it...But lately she's opened-up with me a lot more. We talk (and talk) and cry and laugh and have fun together now. And our bond and closeness helps both of us...Good luck finding some new friends. Sorry that it's not easy to open-up with your brother.
Jude...It's not always easy to be a "venting outlet." (Good way of putting it!)...I prefer to be around people who give some thought to how their words and tone (and constant negativity) may be effecting others. (Especially when they are with someone who is going through "rough times" too.)...I hope you'll be able to find some new friends who are a little more sensitive and "balanced."...One of my local friends wasn't much of a talker when we first met. She lost her sister (and other family members) and "shutting-down" was her way of dealing with all of it...But lately she's opened-up with me a lot more. We talk (and talk) and cry and laugh and have fun together now. And our bond and closeness helps both of us...Good luck finding some new friends. Sorry that it's not easy to open-up with your brother.
I don't think most people know how negative they can be, CA. I would hope they are not doing it deliberatly.
Tami...Guess I have sort of a "protective nature." Jude has been going through a lot herself. So it's probably hard to be a "venting outlet" for someone else all the time...It's nice when friends take each other's situation (and circumstances) into consideration...Don't you think?
I probably took some of my longtime friends "for granted" when my husband and son were still alive...Then I hit "rock bottom" and found myself completely "alone."...I'm grateful for the long history and stability (and sense of security) I have with some of my friends...We may not be "clones" or "carbon copies" of each other but so what?...Over time we've all worked to "get to know" and understand each other better...And this is what "counts!" (At least to me.)...Having "roots" and strong "bonds" with friends has helped me "weather" my grief...I don't want to take anyone "for granted" ever again! Or act like I don't need anyone...Because this isn't really "true!" (At least not for me.)
Kat...I enjoy your posts. Thanks for sharing your observations and all you learned from Sarah. (And your own research too.).. I wish I had a friend like you! Sarah is lucky to have you in her life! I'm glad she is doing better now.. More coming on another post.
Thanks CArizona
I won't lie and say it's been cake-I've had to really check myself to weather the ups and downs with Sarah because we live together still. One of the hardest things to adjust to was showing affection and love with my husband while she was around.
First there was the extreme guilt, especially when I saw the look on her face. Then we tried to keep that "stuff" in private but when DH works from home and I'm looking for work also, and Sarah's been out of work since the move in April, we're together a LOT. Our marriage took a huge strain because we didn't feel comfortable "being our natural selves" in our marriage which happens to be a lot of mushy stuff.
We "came out of the closet" and began sharing those moments in front of her and helped her get through the emotional pain of being around a "nauseating married couple" so she wasn't always sad.
We've all come so far just this year alone. I dropped my plate of food on the table when she made a crack about her husband's death last night at dinner. Just last year she would have been under the blankets for a week recovering from just the thought, now she's trying to give me a heart attack!
Kat...I have a couple of friends who do "their duty" and call to check on me every few weeks or so. (The friend I mentioned in my recent posts seems this way.)..I am on their "charity" or "missionary list" or ??...They make their "rounds" every so often to check on the "less fortunate" and "needy" or ??...Of course they never say any of this out loud! They call as friends...Good that Sarah put up more boundaries with friends who "talk at" her versus really listening to her...This is where I'm "at" too...I'm going through a "weeding process" right now. And looking for friends who are "emotionally available."
Ahh CA...I totally remember that part in our lives. It wasn't very long ago
Sarah says, "the important thing to remember is they care enough to check in at all." No matter their motivation, they thought of you-Sarah says "I just let them talk at me anyway because I know they don't really know what to do or say, and I just wrapped up the convo and moved along-" Everyone has these "well doers" in their circle and try not to close yourself off completely.
Sarah says, "the true emotionally available and caring friends will find their way to you, they will push back, annoy the crap out of you, and do these amazing and crazy things to get your attention to blatantly tell you they are going no where in this life without you." those are the ones who will ebb and flow with you, those are the ones you hold on to when you wake up through the fog and realize life wouldn't be as fun without them in your boat.
Sarah also says "you rock!" she's sitting having coffee with me across the table from this laptop.
Kat...Thanks for all you wrote. You and Sarah "rock" too!...This is the first time in my life I've been completely "alone" and on my "own." I was divorced and a single-parent for 12 years but my sons were with me. (And my parents and other family members were still alive back then.)..Sarah is lucky to have you and you're all lucky to have each other!...I have one local (semi) "everyday friend." But all of my other friends live a distance away and we don't talk all the time...So I "deal" with everything by myself on a day-by-day basis...I don't have "input" or "feedback" when I have to make decisions. Basically I just go "back and forth" in my own mind until something seems "right" to me...And I make it okay to change my mind if need be...So I've been operating as a "one-person band." And my friends just come into "play" every so often. But I'm grateful to have them in my life...I know I'm "changing a lot." Sometimes my friends don't see all the "changes" because they aren't around me all the time.
Hi all, I have been away from CD for a while...my computer is acting up. Went to the cemetery on Sunday. It was really hard. I cried all the way there and back. I was sitting on the grass with Bob and crying and suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. A woman and a little girl and a man had seen me and said how sorry they were. I told them a little about Bob, and they listened. It was so nice to know they cared enough. After they left another woman was "talking to her husband" I got up and went to her and asked if she needed a hug. She was so grateful. We talked and laughed about how we would someday be "neighbors". It was such a beautiful day and I was able to share it with strangers who cared. There are so many out there...we just need to reach out.
That's a beautiful story, Jude. When I visited my husband last summer, the Vets that were there were very kind to me. The cemetary was so peaceful. (((HUGS)))
I am really missing talking to my husband. I am starting to feel very lonely. I am keeping very busy with various things, but it is just not the same. This time last year I was falling apart. It was when he started getting very sick. I think back over how I felt back then. I couldn't sleep, but I did not want to get out of bed. I thought I would never be able to do the everyday chores...not put on my make-up, get dressed. Bob would be proud of me, I know that. I pulled myself together and got the rental ready to sell....it closed last week. But I am sitting here with tears streaming knowing I am on my own for the first time in my life. I guess it is just one of those days. I hope you are all doing better.
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