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I am not a widow, but my mom is now. Dad died September 12, 2012. Mom is still living at her home, and I check on her daily.
Like Jude, we had anticipatory grief. Dad had Advanced Alzheimer's Disease when he died. Mom and I say we lost him years ago due to this horrible condition. We took care of him at home until we were just overwhelmed by how much care he needed. He was in a skilled nursing facility the last months of his life. He couldn't walk, was incontinent, and hardly knew us most days. He had no quality of life. One day he just decided to not eat, drink, take his medicine, or respond to the nursing staff. He decided it was time to go (He died six days later.), but we grieved the loss of him for over two years. During all this time, Mom's friendships steadily declined.
Mom's "friends" have disappeared. She reached out to them all during Dad's illness and afterwards. She sent Christmas cards to them and not one responded. As she says, "What's the use of having friends? You can't depend on anyone except (in our case) family."
One of Mom's friends and her husband took vacations with Mom and Dad in previous years!! How could you just drop someone when times get tough? I certainly wouldn't do that, but I guess that's because I've been through all this. Like Jude, I have promised myself not to be like this when my friends need me.
Thanks for letting me vent about this subject which has really bothered me for months!
A distant friend called last night and started lecturing me about planning my future. (In the guise of caring.)...I told her that I am still doing "day-by-day" but I have tackled a few things (recently) that I could have "put-off" for awhile...Solutions seem so "simple" to people on the "outside." Just "do this" or "do that" and you'll be "fine" and "brand new" again...I'm just happy that I wake-up every morning and "function." I'm not ready to plan an elaborate future for myself quite yet...Doing "day-by-day" or a few days at a time helps me stay "grounded." I don't want to put a lot of added pressure on myself right now.
A distant friend called last night and started lecturing me about planning my future. (In the guise of caring.)...I told her that I am still doing "day-by-day" but I have tackled a few things (recently) that I could have "put-off" for awhile...Solutions seem so "simple" to people on the "outside." Just "do this" or "do that" and you'll be "fine" and "brand new" again...I'm just happy that I wake-up every morning and "function." I'm not ready to plan an elaborate future for myself quite yet...Doing "day-by-day" or a few days at a time helps me stay "grounded." I don't want to put a lot of added pressure on myself right now.
Yes, it seems that there are two ends of the spectrum. You either get ignored completely or people want to tell you how to manage your life. I know they are well meaning, but you're right, how can anyone on the outside possibly know what's going to make you feel good again Sometimes you don't need to feel good, you need to grieve. This is the part most people don't get. The healing process is different for everyone.
Moonlady...Sorry that it's taken me awhile to get back to this thread. Thanks for your post...I let myself have an on/off "meltdown" over the past few days. (Which I really needed!)...I had become stoic and robot-like for awhile and I needed to let myself cry and "feel" again...You're right a lot of people don't understand how we need to grieve. And it can get "old" having to explain "grief" to friends over and over again. Don't you think?...This is why I just stay by myself most of the time. (And do okay.)...I'm not ready to step-back into the "social scene" yet. And I've been more of a loner for most of my life anyway. I just come out of my "cave" or "shell" once in awhile.. I say: "Hi world!" Then go back into hibernation!
educator1953 - I'm assuming all her friends are of a similar age. Maybe they are enduring their own struggles?
Honestly it is hard to know what to say. Some people with physical disabilities like it when people ask - what happened? Others think its a totally rude invasion of privacy. Some people want to talk about those who've passed, others don't for their own personal reasons.
So you know someone, they are your friend, but they've not been through this before, you've not been through it before - how are you going to know?
I don't think friends should just...disappear. But I think a lot of people don't say much because they don't want to make it worse.
I was the first one among my (immediate) circle of friends to lose my husband...This made me sort of a "pioneer" and "novelty." Everyone felt sad and sorry for me but they didn't really know how to relate to me anymore...Now two of my friends are on the brink of losing their husbands too. (Sad!)...These friends view me as an "old-pro" (or expert) when it comes to being a widow and having to "go on" when (and if) their husbands pass-away...Right now I don't consider myself much of a "pro" about any of it. There is no "magic formula" (to follow) that will make the horrible loss and pain and sadness "go away" fast...And we each face situations that can vary a bit...One of my friends is part of a (big) close-knit family. And she has tons of friends and a huge support-network...My other friend has been living in a "cave" with her husband and doesn't have many other people in her life. (And this was the case for me too.)...I didn't ask to be a "pioneer" or "trail-blazer." But I definitely want to "be there" for my friends when they need me. (Even though I don't have a "magic formula" to hand them to make all their pain go away.)
No one can replace my husband and the closeness and companionship we had together...But it would be nice to have a "closer friend." This is missing in my life right now...I see or talk to friends once in awhile. (But not always on a regular basis.)...I'm "floating around" in space all by myself. (Or this is the way it seems anyway!)...Thank goodness I'm pretty resourceful and self-reliant! (Etc.).. But I do get a bit lonely for "more" once in awhile.
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Friends did stop calling..
