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SuperC...Thanks for responding back...I agree with you. I think we all have our very own timetable when it comes to our death...My older son died when he was only 37. And my younger son passed-away last year shortly after he turned 40...My husband was healthy and youthful all his life. Then he developed cancer (out of the blue) and died 13 months later...I've had to accept that it was their time to die. For whatever reason it was their time to "go."...And I don't want to "curse" them for dying. Or "curse myself" by getting stuck in anger and self-pity forevermore...Hopefully your Grandma will be able to work-through her anger at some point and find a little more "peace."
Ulysses61...Thanks for your great post. I'm sorry you lost your Mom. But I admire your "light at the end of the tunnel" attitude and approach...I think we can get into trouble if we view our loved ones as our "property" and "possessions." Don't you?...I've had to take a more spiritual and open-ended view about life and death to cope with the loss of my husband and both my sons...Otherwise I might have "gone crazy!"...Anyway I agree with all you wrote and shared in your post about dealing with grief in healthy ways. Thanks.
Bluff...Thanks for responding. My parents and family took a lot of pride in being able to overcome obstacles in life... And they passed their determination and "fighting spirit" down to me...Is this how you feel too?
My grandmother was the backbone of our family and I lived with her my first three school years. She was Irish and very much spoke her mind about our family ways. Her mom died when she was young and she and her older sister raised their two younger sisters and her father. Life for her was tough so she imparted her views on our family. My folks house burned down when mom was pregnant with me so they had to start from scratch again.
I was always taught that I could achieve what ever I wanted if I worked hard enough. I found it pretty much true through my lifetime. The more grief I had, the more stronger I became in the end. JMO
CArizona, I always look forward to your insights. This has been such an interesting thread.
Sometimes I wish I had time for more self-pity. I want the time and space to immerse myself in it. When I'm feeling my worst my job, my pets, my brother and parents and even my sweet husband feel like distractions from what I really want. Which I guess is to just miss my daughter without having to put on a smile or take care of anything else. But that's not life and probably not particularly healthy. This grieving while getting on with life business is for the birds.
Or maybe I'm just gloomy because this Saturday is 2 years since Mary was stillborn.
CArizona, I have tremendous admiration for your attitude.
kansas sky...I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. Hopefully you'll be able to take time out on Saturday to mourn her death in your own way...I don't think we can snap our fingers and make our grief and sadness go away. It takes time to heal...It's been 6 months since my younger son passed-away and I miss him "like crazy." No one can replace him or my older son or my husband or all my other loved ones who died...I know I need to be strong and "carry-on." But I don't hold back my tears when they "well-up" inside of me...I don't want to turn to "stone." Or "numb-out" or end-up "half-dead" myself so I always acknowledge my sadness. (And cry when need be.)...I know I'm going to have to go through a long process in order to heal and become "whole" again. And I guess I just accept it...Anyway I'm so sorry you lost Mary. Thanks for your kind words. Please keep in touch when you can!
Bluff...Thanks for posting. I had an Irish grandma too!...And I grew-up hearing my dad say: "No pain no gain!" He said this all the time. (To me and to my sons too.)...My younger son said "no pain no gain" to himself (and me) when he went through surgeries to remove his brain tumors. Or when he went through chemo and radiation or physical therapy to be able to walk again etc...When I let myself cry and "feel pain" over losing my husband and sons and other family members I think about my dad and all he taught me...And I know I'm going to "gain" from facing and processing my "pain" over time.
I think it's normal and natural to "feel sorry" for ourselves when we're working through grief. Don't you?...It's not easy to come to terms with major losses in our life...And I think it's okay to cry for ourselves. Or get mad at times for being "left behind" etc..I try to avoid getting heavily bogged-down in chronic self-pity because I don't want to become a total "downer." (With myself or others.)...My Grandma let herself "drown" in self-pity at the end of her life and she was angry all the time and full of blame and even bitter..It was hard to go and visit her because she was always so "mad."...I've noticed that self-pity can involve a lot of self-centeredness. And this is why I try to "get out" of myself and place my attention elsewhere when I start to "drown" in self-pity. I don't want to walk around "mad at the whole world" like my Grandma used to do...Anyway what are some of your thoughts regarding self-pity? Thanks.
I think everyone is different, and generally speaking, just b/c some people get over it quicker then others, doesn't make it wrong or right....
I think it's normal and natural to "feel sorry" for ourselves when we're working through grief. Don't you?...It's not easy to come to terms with major losses in our life...And I think it's okay to cry for ourselves. Or get mad at times for being "left behind" etc..I try to avoid getting heavily bogged-down in chronic self-pity because I don't want to become a total "downer." (With myself or others.)...<snip>
I agree wholeheartedly with this...it is normal and natural to feel sorry for ourselves and I think it can help through the grieving process. But there comes a time when we have to let go, self-pity is a cruel taskmaster and it can and will turn anyone into an angry and bitter person, a person that soon no one will want to be around....because it it just to sad to see.
I feel sad when I hear of people who have lost loved ones and they have turned bitter because of it, it serves no useful purpose and it robs them of the remaining possibilities for their lives. Life may not be forever but for what time we have it, use it. Death is permanent.
CA, I can relate to self-pity. When I was Jim's caregiver and did it all, I felt sorry for myself that I could not "have a life of my own." I wanted to get out and go like everyone else. But my job was to take care of Jim and I did that out of love and devotion. I didn't care how long it took, I was going to be there for him every second I could. He was so grateful and appreciative. He told me that all the time.
Now that he is gone, I do feel sorry for myself that I am all alone. I feel sorry for myself that I have can now "go and do," but have no one to do it with. But then! I look at what I have, who I am. I am so blessed!! I have a home, a car, a job, a church family, great neighbors, a few close friends, life experiences that makes me who I am today....and then the self-pity slowly turns around. I try to be thankful for all that I have, especially when those negative thoughts start creeping in. It's not easy, but I try.
And when I feel all alone, I come here to be with all of you. You understand how I am feeling, just like you do CA. I get how you are feeling. Common ground makes the self-pity and loneliness ease up and I just feel, well, sort of normal. I once again realize that I am not alone in this grieving process and there are those of you who truly understand.
It is, for sure, a difficult position to be in, and you, my dear CA, have had more loss in your life than any of us. You have every right to have thoughts of self-pity and loss. But we do have choices to make in our lives, and I hope you can choose, someday, to look at what blessings you have and try to move forward with your life, one baby step at a time. To start with, you have all of us!!!! And look at how you have helped all of us, especially smilin. Your love and compassion, caring and understanding has brought out the best in all of us. That is a gift, even though you may not realize it. I think a big step in healing is being able to help others, and that is what my goal is. I have been helped here so much that I want to "pay it forward" whenever I can.
I don't know if all my rambling has answered your question or not, but those were just some of my random thoughts. Glad we are here for each other!!
tngirl
Well said tngirl. It has now been 6 months since Bob died, and the pitey I feel is more that he did not get to enjoy retirement. I think I am starting to enjoy again. I have so many responsibilities now and I sometimes get angry that it is all up to me now. I still think wow he is really gone and I will not see him walk in the back door anymore. That is the new normal....I accept it, but still sadly.
Well, I just re-read that post from earlier. I am writing this one day before the first anniversary of his death (4-1-12). I have been dreading this time. I just keep thinking, I've got to get thru it.
I went to work on Thursday in no particular mood, until a co-worker mentioned something about this being the time of Jim's death.....an inappropriate remark in my opinion, although I know she meant no harm... but I busted into tears. My supervisor tried to reassure me. I asked for Monday off; she said of course.
I tried to pull myself together and all the past year just kept flooding back into my thoughts and mind and heart......I just could not stop crying. Every little thing upset me. About 8:45 my supervisor asked me if I would like to go home....that was sweet of her....and so I went home. I cried most of the day.
This morning I went to Easter sunrise service with my adopted family. There was a breakfast after the 6 am service, then regular church at 9 am, then an egg hunt for the kids.....then a church group photo. At 1 we went over to Mark's house (adopted family/neighbor) and had a big meal....and now we are going to the mom's house for supper. So I have been with them all day and that has helped me tremendously.
Tomorrow will just be a quiet day at home with my dogs and cats.
So what have I learned in this past year? That nothing is certain, there is no right or wrong, I still continue to be surprised at my feelings and reactions, that I miss Jim more than I ever did, that I still don't know how my life will go....it's a continuous process, ever-changing. The thing that has been keeping me going, most of all, is knowing that I can write these feelings down and you are all there to read them and understand them. You can relate. You don't know how much comfort that gives me. Well, I think you do, but it never hurts to hear it again.
My life....our lives....are forever changed by our losses. I will continue to just take one day at a time. My faith in God has been strengthened, and I know He is there to get me thru this all. I wish you all continued peace through our journeys.
God bless,
tngirl
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It's still hard
