At the end-- seeing a parent for the last time

[animalcrazy]

I hadn't seen my mother for three years when out of the blue I got a phone call from my brother that she had cancer and was in the hospital. She never called me the first time she had it so I knew it was serious. I went to see her out of respect for the fact that she gave birth to me, although I wouldn't consider her mother material. We had the same meaningless empty conversations we always had. I honestly felt nothing for her but it was the right thing to do. No matter how you feel about your mother she is still another human being with a last request. It was such a small thing to honor her request to see me again, but to this day I still don't know why. We were never close and there was always a lot of tension between us. Just do what you have to do and get on with making your life meaningful.

[CFoulke]

Originally Posted by confusedasusual

I will be traveling to see my mom today for what I expect to be the last time. She is in the final stages of cancer and has been in hospice for a few months. Yesterday when I spoke to her, she kept asking me to repeat when my flight was. My little sister called to let me know that they kept pointing it out on the calendar because she said "I need her here so I can go." So it seems pretty clear whatI am in for.

This is very difficult, to say the least. I have seen and talked to her a lot since she was diagnosed in January-- probably more than I have in years as we were not close when I was growing up. She has been declining rapidly and now spends much of the time sleeping, weak or confused. My younger sister has been there for a week on her spring break, my older sister lives nearby and has been there quite often.

I really don't feel the need to be there in person to say goodbye-- I made my goodbyes during our last visit, but if she is asking of course I am coming. I am dreading this-- seeing the state she is in and watching her suffer is one of the worst things I have ever witnessed. My sisters have a different relationship with her, so our mourning processes will be very different I am sure. I had told myself for years that if this day came, I wouldn't be there because my mother was never at any of my important events (graduation, my own battle with cancer, wedding, etc.) but I felt very different when the diagnosis came through. I find that I am very upset that this is happening and feel helpless that I can't do anything to halt its progress. I actually had the thought that if I stayed away a little longer, she might hang on for my sisters a few more days. But I know this is silly.

Does anyone have any advice that might help me get through this? Its a complicated family dynamic and the next few days will likely be awful. Thank you so much.

I am sorry that you are going through this, and I have been through it twice now with my mother and my father. It will never be an easy thing, but she wants to lay her eyes on you one last time. I think that regardless of what may have transpired between you two over your lifetimes, you need to focus on making her dying wish happen. You will always be her baby, no matter how much time passes or how old you become. Also, your sisters need to have you present with them, to help hold them up and share in the decisions and relive the times of your lives together. It will not be an easy task, and if you have absolutely anything unresolved between you and your mama, you need to let it go, hold her and just tell her that you love her, you always will, and that it is ok for her to go on now - you will join her later. It won't be a "discussion", she is not going to argue or fret with you - she knows she is dying and she just wants to see your face, hear your voice, and then she can pass in peace. Sometimes they will try and hold out and wait for an anniversary or an event, or for someone to arrive - please don't make her wait. Your tears will come, and they will become healing - I wish you and your sisters peace and understanding. I thank you for coming together one last time to honor your mother. Your family dynamics will mean nothing to your mother now - she just wants to say goodbye. You will remember this time for the rest of your life - please try and make them good memories, not harmful, hurtful, or bitter ones.