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Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Śmilin, I know where your heart is, and how hard it is to let go. Tuesday was my day when we all went up to the mountains and scattered Bob's ashes. almost four years... It was really hard and sad. How many time in the past four years I've teared up, had a lump in my throat, and held it in. It is not easy.
Like you, I am not social, lived in the boonies, and just had Bob. we were soul mates, only us. My other half. My one and only. Together since we were 21. Separated by sudden death 38 years later...Going home Tuesday, seeing our house, up for sale again, and having the owner let us go through it, seeing how they tore out walls, added others, seeing where we slept, ate, raised kids, loved, fought, made up, broke my heart all over again. And, it was raining.
I sold that house, moved to our Arizona condo, and tried to start anew. I don't really know anyone, wouldn't really call anyone a friend, am alone, and lonely. I haven't had the slightest desire to meet a man, or invite one over, or go out with one. I'm almost 62, have gained about 25 lbs, and am learning to really like living alone. I'm with Andrew here, which makes me happy I got him his own apartment, turned his room into a sewing room, and have the condo to myself. but, it has taken me 3 1/2 years to get here. I still ache without Bob, cry, wail, and hate cooking for one, eating alone, having no bestest friend/lover to share little things with, and no one in my bed. I've been celibate since he died because the thought of another man touching me is still abhorrent to me. I know I will die never having had another man, as that's what I want. I'm older, no longer trophy wife attractive (never was) and am starting to have arthritis, less mobility, and other age issues. In other words, I'm no catch.
The point of this rambling missive is that our lives are different than we ever imagined they would be, will not be what they were, and the only way out is up. This is the hand we were dealt. We have to learn to accept it, but we don't have to like it. We will cherish our husbands, talk about them, miss them, and carry them with us always. For all the haters, for those who say "move on", well, someday they'll go through this, and it will change them forever as well.
I wish you peace, joy, comfort and love as you move through this journey....Hugs!
What a great post, Marcy. I so can relate. Jan. will be two years that Earl has been gone and I miss him like crazy. I'm really just a shell of a person now. I act fine, socialize fine, do all the proper things but my heart is not in it. I just exist. My reason for living is gone. I have no ambitions, no lust for life anymore. If it weren't for my animals, IDK if I'd even get out of bed most days but I soldier on. I'm dealing with my new life. I have to, what other choice do I have and I don't like that choice.
A memory just came to me...I used to work at a Burger King for many years and this lady, Ruth, started to come in and read the paper, have a coffee and smoke like a chimney. After she became a regular, I started talking to her at the counter and then when things got slow I used to go over to her table and talk. She had been widowed. Of course I said all the proper things but I was only 25 years old, in a bad marriage and had no idea what she was feeling. Now I know. I can look back and see what I feel now on her face and her actions. I used to let her talk about her husband and how he died, lung cancer from smoking, as we both puffed away on our cigs (when you could smoke in establishments), and how she took up smoking and just didn't care anymore. I didn't realize what a good thing I was doing for her back then. I was just being me. I now realize I must have been a good comfort for her to be able to talk to.
That's why I like this forum so much....talking things out with people who have the same shared feelings.
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[SIZE=3]Basil, CA, Mtn. States, Dayton, Marcy, Tam and Macrina,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Thank you all for sharing with me. I appreciate hearing from you. It makes me feel less alone. [/SIZE]
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[SIZE=3]Sometimes, I become stuck. [/SIZE]
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[SIZE=3]It seems like the more I try to fit into society, the more I realize I don't fit, that is when I find myself struggling. I think I just have to become relaxed in my new role and find ways to occupy my time that will enhance my self worth. [/SIZE]
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"It seems like the more I try to fit into society, the more I realize I don't fit, that is when I find myself struggling. I think I just have to become relaxed in my new role and find ways to occupy my time that will enhance my self worth."
smilinpretty, I hope you can find happiness very soon!
I'm an only child & the relatives I do have, I haven't seen them in years. If it weren't for my longtime significant other & my quite elderly parents, I'd have no one in this world either. I have no friends really. Well one casual pal who I may talk with every so many months or so. That's not someone to share feelings with or have a shoulder to cry on.
What things make you happy? I never relied on friends because I never really had any. I've had a couple during separate times in my life. Sure, they're nice to have, but they don't determine my happiness in life.
Do you believe in God and/or have a religion you believe in? Are you a part of some kind of church or higher power faith? Maybe you should join something.
What activities/hobbies do you enjoy? Take a class or something at your local community center or college, etc. Or try something new!
Do you like to travel? Do you have anyone to travel with? They must have some kind of travel groups for those who have no one to travel with.
All the best to you!
Thank you so much and the best to you as well. I use to belong to a church but no longer. Since my husband passed away, I find it very hard to connect to group organizations or people. I have to visit or connect on my own terms. Weird, huh? I believe in God or a high power. My husband and I use to enjoy playing card games with the neighbors. I enjoy camping, fishing, boating. I no longer own a RV or boat but I have been contemplating getting a fishing license and I would love to explore the wilderness, just haven't done that. I plan to travel after my little sweeties go to dog heaven. I plan to make a over-night visit soon to visit people I know. It is hard for me to leave my dogs. They are the only family I have. They are elderly and very clingy to me and I to them. I have taken classes at the college and enjoyed that. There is nothing to do in my country town, all of the activities are 25 miles away, unfortunately. Being out in the country is okay if one is married, but not single. A neighbor lost her husband in March, she sold her house in five hours and is moving to Tucson area in a retirement community and I would love to do that one of these days.
Smilin...Thanks for sharing the story about how you "created" time to talk to the widow when you worked at "Burger King." Good for you!!...Life seems so fast-paced these days and it's all about getting "in" and "out" as quickly as possible...And this makes me feel like I don't fit-in very well. (Anymore.) There's no time to "stop and smell the roses!"...I ran into a man I met a few years "back" when I went to the grocery store the other day. He was waiting for his friend to finish shopping. (I was sitting on the bench outside the store and he was sitting in his friend's van close to my bench.)...Anyway we started talking and talking. His friend joined our conversation when he came out of the store...Turns out that the friend's sister just died and he is trying to help his parents cope with their grief. Plus he has cancer himself but is trying to stay positive and hopeful....We exchanged phone numbers and plan to get together for lunch soon and a little "fun" to help each other stay in "balance."
Oops! I'm sorry Tami..Guess I was a "space cadet" this morning and read through things too fast! Need to slow down a little more and "stop and smell the roses!"...Sorry! Anyway I think it's great that you "created time" to talk to the widow when you worked at "Burger King!" Proud of you for doing it!
Smilin...Sorry that I got Tami's post confused with your last post this morning. Duh!...I've been in a "damned if I do" and "damned if I don't" type of situation lately and kind of stressed-out and "spacey" at times...I had to cut-back on helping my friend because it was wearing me out...But I've had to deal with some guilt.. Feel "bad" for "saying no" and leaving my friend "hanging."...But I just can't continue being "on-call" and being his "all and everything." I would if I could but I'm sure worn-out right now...My friend is 70 years old and pretty "well-off" financially. So I hope he will buy a new vehicle soon and hire help if need be...I just can't take full responsibility for his welfare right now. But I feel guilty and don't have "peace" about the situation yet...Hopefully I will in time. Have you ever struggled with guilt like this?
Why spend his money on a car and/or help when he can get you to do it for free,CA? Especially if he is well off. Stop feeling guilty. Tell him he needs to either buy a car, hire a taxi or use the senior citizen rides, you can not do it anymore. Period. If he wants to pay you and you accept that, fine. If not, you need to distance yourself from this guy. He'll take every ounce of your health, friendship and whatever and go about his merry way and never do a thing for himself if you continue as you are and never think a thing about it. I know this sounds harsh but it's reality.
I know you were asking smilin' the question but I have to put my 2 cents in.
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Thank you for your lovely words.
