Thoughts of up and down and all around.

[smilinpretty]

• Up and down and all around, my thoughts sometimes lead my astray.
• Very best plans don't always turn out.
• I am all by myself in this world and it could be on a unconscious level I desire that.
• I posted on facebook that I love myself and that I am a kind and caring person. Do you know I had people on my fb that were offended by my revelation. I find that people in general want to put others down. I believe we can find all kinds of fault with ourselves but to love our self is not a conceded thought, more of a nurturing thought.

I acknowledge sometimes I take four steps forward and ten steps backwards. I miss my husband so much, we were such a perfect fit. It is like I live my life astray with no purpose. Since I have no friends or family, I realize that I only have myself to validate my feelings and thoughts. Does this make sense?

My life feels so broken and in pieces. I am not a person who is social, I am a l loner.

Oh, well.

[Basiliximab]

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

I am all by myself in this world and it could be on a unconscious level I desire that.

My life feels so broken and in pieces. I am not a person who is social, I am a l loner.

I think I understand what you are saying; I feel that I just cannot relate to this world (perhaps you are of a similar sentiment). It seems that no one in the world can understand me. Even the people to whom I open up to and try to share my feelings to, I know that I am not able to reach them. I feel I am all by myself, and I that I will never meet anyone who will ever understand me.

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

I find that people in general want to put others down.

This I find seems to be how many people are, and I am very saddened by it. It seems that a lot of people think they are better than others, even if it is someone who seems better by society's standards putting down someone who doesn't seem to be a very good person by society's standards. It is a very humbling thought to know that that not so good person whom is easily looked down upon can easily be any one of us.

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

I miss my husband so much, we were such a perfect fit. It is like I live my life astray with no purpose. Since I have no friends or family, I realize that I only have myself to validate my feelings and thoughts. Does this make sense?

I'm sorry. I never had anyone in my life that I knew who I miss to a point where it causes me much sadness. Though I'm sad almost all the time and feel as though I miss someone though it's not possible. I think it makes sense what you are saying. Since you don't have friends or family who perhaps you can talk to and sort out your feelings with you sort them out in your own mind. And sorting them out is a sort of validation process for you. I'm not sure if that's exactly it though. It seems I can never really explain to someone exactly how I feel, so I can imagine how it can feel on the receiving end when some other person is trying to understand my feelings when they are too complex for words, more or less.

[Marcy1210]

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

• Up and down and all around, my thoughts sometimes lead my astray.
• Very best plans don't always turn out.
• I am all by myself in this world and it could be on a unconscious level I desire that.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe we do desire to be alone since we can't be with the one we're missing so much. I know that I have found a lot of peace since Andrew got his own place. Not that I don't love him to pieces, but, it is solace in a way that I have the peace and quiet of my life now. I'm enjoying being alone most of the time. It's liberating in a way as you can truly be yourself with no one judging.

• Originally Posted by smilinpretty

  I posted on facebook that I love myself and that I am a kind and caring person. Do you know I had people on my fb that were offended by my revelation. I find that people in general want to put others down. I believe we can find all kinds of fault with ourselves but to love our self is not a conceded thought, more of a nurturing thought.

  
  

You are a kind, caring person. There are so many haters out there, if's mind boggling. I wasn't brought up to hate on people the way I see on all the social media sites. There was a FB post from our local CBS station about a road closure due to a 17 year old who crashed his Camaro into a wall, killing himself and critically injuring his passenger. There wer many "Prayers for his family" posts, but there were also many "Where were the parents? That's child abuse to give the kid a Camaro", "That'll teach kids to wear a seat belt", "Maybe the parents have learned a lesson", or others who redirected their posts to themselves by relating how they almost died. So little kindness or compassion, just narcissists and haters.

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

I acknowledge sometimes I take four steps forward and ten steps backwards. I miss my husband so much, we were such a perfect fit. It is like I live my life astray with no purpose. Since I have no friends or family, I realize that I only have myself to validate my feelings and thoughts. Does this make sense?

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

My life feels so broken and in pieces. I am not a person who is social, I am a l loner.

Oh, well.

You have us, and we care very much about you, and will always validate you as we understand where you are on your journey. We all take many steps forward, and even more backward on our journey towards acceptance of our loss and eventual peace with it. Your life has purpose, even if it's just to find peace and understanding for yourself. Your husband would want you to be happy, just like if you went first, you'd want happiness for him more than anything. You wouldn't want him miserable and hurting, and he doesn't want that for you. You're making progress, lots of it, and for that, you deserve a pat on the back and lots of hugs!

Being a loner isn't necessarily all that bad. Many of the most famous writers were loners. It seems that throughout history the loners were the extremely creative people. A lot of people who think of themselves as loners are really just introverts. I'm proud to be an introvert!!! You're doing really well. Keep coming back here for affirmation and support...

[tamiznluv]

Smilin', don't let the haters get to you. You are a wonderful, caring woman. They are the ones lacking in character. Let them loose their soul-mate and see how it feels. No one can understand except someone who knows exactly what you have gone through. Don't let the negativity drag you down. You have friends here who truly care about you and what you are going through and want to help you with all the support we can. Ignore the idiots on FB. You should know what a nice person you are and not care what others think. Tell 'em to eff-off. You've come so far, don't let others put you backwards. We still have a long road to travel so we better love ourselves!

[smilinpretty]

Thank you for your replies, Marcy, Tam and Basil.

I go through moments that seem difficult for me. I want my old life back but know it is not possible. It is so hard for me to be social and so I find myself alone most of the time. I know it will take time for me to adjust.

Thanks for being here for me. I appreciate it so much.

[CArizona]

Smilin...Sorry you've been going through such a rough period. Sorry about the negative comments on FB...I've been going through a "rough patch" myself lately. (Going "round and round" and "up and "down" as you described it.) YUK!...Anyway good to get it off your chest versus holding everything "in." Sending you a BIG HUG! Hope we can both find more "peace" soon.

[smilinpretty]

Thank you, CA and sorry to hear you are experiencing a "rough patch". Embracing your hug. I hope nothing but the best for you, CA, you have been a good friend to me.

I just sometimes think will I ever be the same? I am waiting for peace and joy in my life. HUGS to you my dear friend. xxxoo

[Forever Blue]

smilinpretty, I hope you can find happiness very soon!

I'm an only child & the relatives I do have, I haven't seen them in years. If it weren't for my longtime significant other & my quite elderly parents, I'd have no one in this world either. I have no friends really. Well one casual pal who I may talk with every so many months or so. That's not someone to share feelings with or have a shoulder to cry on.

What things make you happy? I never relied on friends because I never really had any. I've had a couple during separate times in my life. Sure, they're nice to have, but they don't determine my happiness in life.

Do you believe in God and/or have a religion you believe in? Are you a part of some kind of church or higher power faith? Maybe you should join something.

What activities/hobbies do you enjoy? Take a class or something at your local community center or college, etc. Or try something new!

Do you like to travel? Do you have anyone to travel with? They must have some kind of travel groups for those who have no one to travel with.

All the best to you!

[CArizona]

Smilin...Thanks for writing and caring...I think I need to see a little "light" at the end of the "tunnel" right now. Do you feel this way too?...For some reason I just don't see any "light" right now. And I know I'm out of "whack" and balance...Somehow I "muddle" through each day and I manage to find a few things that interest me. Or a few things that make me smile once in awhile. But all in all I feel "blah."...My Dad used to say: "No pain, no gain" and this phrase always sticks in my mind...I'm going to have to "feel more" and literally feel "my pain" in order to come back to life again and eventually "heal."...Walking around in a "shut-down" state isn't the answer. Or "cure" for dealing with grief.

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by smilinpretty

Thank you, CA and sorry to hear you are experiencing a "rough patch". Embracing your hug. I hope nothing but the best for you, CA, you have been a good friend to me.

I just sometimes think will I ever be the same? I am waiting for peace and joy in my life. HUGS to you my dear friend. xxxoo

Smilinpretty,

No. You will never be the same person again. That doesn't mean you won't find joy and happiness in the things you liked go do before, or laugh or be silly etc.

A person cannot remain the same after a significant loss. But s/he can take the best parts of the person s/he use to be and gently develop those parts further.

What's different are the amount of time you need now compared to before, who is currently a part of your life that allows you what you need and what you will allow yourself to become.

Hang in there....some days do get better.

MSR