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I think that unless they are near actually near death, you have a few years to see how things go with your son, how sensitive he is, etc. I don't really think that children should attend funerals until they are old enough to know what is going on, how to behave, what death really means, etc.; and until he is nine or so, I think you are in the best position to judge whether going to a funeral would even mean anything to your son.
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened
Funny, I'm in this situation right now. I haven't spoken to my dad in almost 30 years. No big fight or anything, just got tired of being the one to always initiate contact, and decided to see if he ever contacted me for once. Still waiting.
I'm the only daughter, and my brothers talk to him and see him all the time. Growing up, it was clear my dad just didn't "get" having a daughter. I also have no children, so I think my brothers make a much bigger effort to keep in contact with him because of their kids (my dad never takes the initiative to get together with them, either. They just never gave up.) My dad's wife adds fuel to the fire, being very threatened by his "first" family, and only wants them to socialize with her family. When my dad had a heart attack about 10 years ago, she never contacted any of us kids - my brothers only heard about it a month or so later from a mutual acquaintance.
My brother called the other day to say my dad has been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. My brother asked if I would come back for his funeral. Nope. I feel bad about it, must more bad that my dad wasted his life not knowing his children very well.
Tough question--but considering the age of your child right now, I would say no to him attending the funeral. My reasoning is this: My parents took me to my uncles funeral when I was four and I have the memories of that still bouncing around in my head. I am a middle aged adult now and still see my uncle's waxy white face in his coffin. I have attended many funerals since then and I should think that I have come to terms with that long ago funeral, but I haven't. Now if the funeral should be like a celebration of life with no body displayed then that could be another consideration. Most of those now are conducted with music and people standing up and saying nice things about the deceased. I certainly understand your reluctance with the estrangement at this time. So depending on when your parents should leave this world and your son's age at the time, have an open discussion with him and consider his input. As for you attending, people probably already discuss you and if they discuss you at the funeral. Oh well. You do what you need to do for yourself. People are so very quick to judge others, especially when they know nothing.
I have always been in a strained relationship with my parents. Their narcissism and mockery beat me to the point of no self esteem or worth. I believe this resulted in several bad life decisions on my part, however, I also acknowledge that I have a free will, so I cannot place blame solely on them. My father died 15 yrs ago and I had to fake upset. I sat in the chair in the hospital room and watched him die with absolutely no feeling whatsoever. I still played the dutiful daughter at the funeral so as not to cause any commotion or gossip. It didn't kill me to do this - but in some way I wish I had been strong enough to not attend.
One of 3 children, I am the only one who lives in the same town as our mother. My sister and brother are very good at the long distance loving relationship as long as they don't have to do anything. Everything falls on me. With everything I have done for my mother, she is still unable to show compassion and support for me. When I had cancer, she was very worried that the chemo center nurses would recognize me and spread rumors about my mother not being there with me. Even in my illness, it was all about HER and what people thought of HER. She will never stop and think - hey, is there anything I can do to help my family, especially when times were tough. I am unable to provide more than a strained ( I will help you if I can) type of relationship. History does not go away, the dust settles, but it is still there. I wanted to uphold my responsibilities to her and be her POA and Will executrix. With much commotion over these documents, she has several times accused me of wanting to steal her money or making changes for my own financial gain- neither of which is true. She is anxiety-laden and needs medication which she refuses to take - its easier to be a b*tch to me. With this in mind, I also wonder how I will react upon her death. I have since enlisted a 3rd party fiduciary to handle her POA and will so I need not be a part of that process. I feel it would look very strange to others if did not attend her funeral, and don't want to bring to light our bad relationship. But I also feel it contradictory to attend and again, as with my father, fake the grief.
I know it is VERY important to my mother that lots of people go to her funeral - her narcissism transcends death.
I guess I will make that decision when the time comes - I hope I make the right one.
My father just passed and Saturday is his funeral. He left me when I was seven (I'm in my 50's now) and a year later remarried and had 2 other children with a younger woman who hated both my mom and I and who has kept that hatred going 45 years later. As a child I tried to keep a relationship with him but he did only what was forced upon him to do and visiting him as a child usually meant staying outside all day until he came home from work and then ignored when he was around. As I got older I began to ignore him too, which seemed fine and dandy to him and the 2nd wife. I had no relationship with my half siblings and was totally forgotten on holidays and my birthday. Most of my childhood memories of him are of crying myself to sleep at night wanting "daddy".
When his parents died he didn't bother to let me know until a year later. When my first child was born, and his first grandchild, I thought perhaps he might become interested in us and hoped we could reconstruct a relationship. His response was "send me your address and I'll send something for the baby". I was heartbroken, again. Three children later, nothing. His "new" children however, went on to get college educations, big family holidays and vacations and the children they had, his new grandchildren, were doted upon. None of my 3 children EVER received a card or phone call from their grandfather. It was like they didn't exist.
His obituary reads highly of his many accomplishments and interests and the loving family he left behind. I am not listed as his child (although I was his first). I tried to rectify that by adding my family and I in the online Guest Book of the funeral home and within 24 hrs it was taken down. In the past year he found my number and called me twice. I guess he knew he was dying and thought I would like to hear his voice? He never asked about my life or his grandchildren. It was difficult to talk to him. He was a stranger to me. I had thought of going to the funeral but it is many states away and his real family wouldn't want me there anyway. Only to look at his face one last time would be the reason to go and since he wouldn't spend a dime to visit me I don't feel I owe it to him.
When I needed him he wasn't there. I mourn for the father I wish I had, not the one I got. I don't know how to process all these feelings I have and hope someday very soon I can forget all about him again, like he did me.
I mourn for the father I wish I had, not the one I got.
It sounds like your father and mine came from the same defective batch.
I despise people (can't really call them men) who shuck off the wife and kids so they can start over with their "real" family. Not long ago in a major newspaper there was a lifestyle article about a wealthy 50-ish heir who had dumped his first family so he could begin again with a 20-ish blonde hottie. They had two adorable toddlers, a country estate in wine country, everything you could imagine except for a relationship with his 3 adult children. Narcissism reigns supreme.
I went to my father's funeral. It was a bizarre experience, as funerals generally are. I didn't cry for him. I cried for me.
Afterwards, all the mourners went to a Chinese restaurant where I picked up the tab. When asked why, I said, "Because that's what my father would do." It wasn't true. He was never generous. But my fantasy father would have. Right there I realized I was starting to invent a comforting story -- and put a stop to it. It's painful to remember the way he really was and what he did. But I think we are better off facing the truth.
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened
It depends. If there is unfinished (emotional) business, I would attend.
If I was genuinely complete, there would be no need.
Only we know in our heart what's needed, if we're honest with ourselves.
The other caveat would be if a family member wanted my support.
I would give that serious consideration, and probably attend.
He never asked about my life or his grandchildren. It was difficult to talk to him. He was a stranger to me. ....I don't feel I owe it to him. ......hope someday very soon I can forget all about him again, like he did me.
Ordinarily I'd say go -- but not for this guy. Your only connection is genetic and the giant hole he left in your life. Would you go to the funeral for an anonymous sperm donor? That sounds kind of harsh but that seems to be the way he behaved. For closure, maybe make a small donation to a charity that you would have wanted him to support and be done with it.
Not necessarily. I am estranged from two sons from a first marriage. The reason...their mother made them choose sides and involved them in the divorce (they were in their 20's). They believed whatever lies she told them, no matter what I said. I was in the military 20 years, gone 6 months at a time. During those years she constantly complained to them (not me) that I was never there, although she enjoyed life as the wife of an officer.
I haven't seen them in almost 20 years. They knew when their grandparents passed, but didn't acknowledge them either. So the hurt can be on the other side too. The parent isn't necessarily the one that caused it.
I'm sorry for your pain, but this reeks of being a very one-sided story. Kids are not as easily to manipulate as adults think.
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Funerals
