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My husband, now deceased, had a father who did all kinds of horrible things when my husband was a child, including deserting the family when he was in 7th grade ... the list goes on, and I won't enumerate. But when my husband was in college, he took advantage of the campus counseling center to go through a course of therapy to help him deal with his feelings about his dad. He told me that realized that it would be unhealthy for him to go through life with that load of anger and hatred. And I think the counseling worked. He and his dad were not exactly loving toward each other, but it was a civil, cordial relationship. We visited his dad and step mom a few times. These visits were somewhat stressful visits for me, but my husband had gotten to a point where he could calmly tell his dad to back off when he was getting rude (he always protected me), and he could always laugh at the inappropriate things his dad said after the visit. I think he could do this because the counseling in college had helped him to put all that into perspective. I always considered that decision to seek help in getting over his anger a very wise thing for a college student, and I admired him for that (even though I didn't know him at the time.) I also think this experience helped my husband learn to always deal with conflicts and problems directly rather withdrawing or denying, and that was part of the basis of our wonderful relationship. Anger, resentment, hatred, hurt are all negative feelings that hurt YOU. Go to counseling if necessary to get past these so that you can live life in peace.
My husband and I adopted my two sons, one six weeks old and one year old. After our divorce my ex died and the boys were 18 and 15. The 15 year old lived with me until he was 18. Both boys went their own way and we became estranged for the past 25 years. I'm single and recently had a heart attack. If I die, how much responsibility, if any, do they have to settle my final arrangements? Thank you, All alone.
My husband and I adopted my two sons, one six weeks old and one year old. After our divorce my ex died and the boys were 18 and 15. The 15 year old lived with me until he was 18. Both boys went their own way and we became estranged for the past 25 years. I'm single and recently had a heart attack. If I die, how much responsibility, if any, do they have to settle my final arrangements? Thank you, All alone.
I think you should make your own final arrangements, so you have things the way you want them. Making your final arrangements, should be your responsibility as much as possible. Don't leave the burden to someone else.
I say this as I take a short break from working to wind up my mother's affairs. I took care of her for the last two years of her life and she left me a mess to deal with after her death. I was very good to her and I wish she had had the courtesy to plan a little better and share with me about her accounts, etc.
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened
If you would not go visit them when they were alive, why would you want to visit them now that they are dead?
If you are invited to the reading of the will, go. Otherwise, IMO, stay away just as you did when they were alive.
My son is the one choosing to be estranged. I've told my husband not to try to contact him if I pass first. I won't try to contact him if my husband passes.
He doesn't give a darn about us now, why reach out to him when one of us dies. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
The bolded has me puzzled. Even if you are in contact with them you wont know they have passed on until someone else tells you. Where I am from, dead people do not announce their own deaths
But thanks for answering. My mom is undergoing chemo. She might live she might die. If she dies I won''t be bothered in my heart, I think I actually will be relieved at the least if not downright happy. She was very evil in her lifetime. I have been pondering if I should attend her funeral. We live in different places & its only going to cost me money to go to her funeral. I can not justify spending a penny to visit her if I'm not grieving. On the other hand, I am afraid that if I dont go, I will aggreviate some relatives & have some people not attending my own funeral. Plus people would talk
Alternatively I could go there and say a really bad speech about her? But I'm scared to be the first person in history to talk negatively about the dead
my parents died when i was barely an adult
i didn't know enough to choose one way or another
i have since estranged myself (which sounds wrong saying it that way, but, whatever) from the rest of my biological family.
i would not attend any of their funerals if they die.
not because i do not care.
not because i hold any ill will.
but, because it would not be healthy for me to do so.
someone else said that those who are estranged from their parents (and i'd add - family of origin, in general) would seem to have done so for very good reason -
if i hadn't separated myself - i would have been doing myself great harm.
they can say or think what they will.
my son died on the 24th of September and i didn't contact any of them.
again, for the same reasons.
i am not a bitter angry or spiteful person - but, i think the one exception to this is that if i found out my one sister's husband died - the man who molested me - i'd go to his funeral, spit on his corpse, say what i really think, and maybe even dance a little ***. he earned it. and i deserve to get it out. or, hell, i'd not even bother. whichever.
as for you - only you know if there's a reason for you to be there. if there's angry things you need to say or do - if you think it's fruitful for you to do so - do it. if there's anything you need to say or do - without needing to cause pain to anyone else - do it.
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened
...just have a normal day as though nothing happened - and I did!
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A normal day
