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I have my some of my mom's ashes in an urn in our living room also. At first, my entertainment center was a display of my mom's memories, but after 2 years it dwindled to just one shelf. Give you husband time to grieve. Maybe someday it won't be so prominent. I find it comforting when I feel very alone, just to gaze at it I can imagine she is there with me. As for your friends, I would choose friends who are supportive and accepting of you. That is what a friend is.
I'm not so sure it's all the friends' fault. Maybe they ARE supporting her. SHE'S the one with the problem with having the urn displayed so prominently I think. I don't think it's them not being accepting of HER, it's the URN. Sounds like there may be some kind of manipulation trying to made here. SHE doesn't like it but can't/won't say that, so she uses her friends as an excuse and it may be not working.
Thank you for your replies.
I am torn on the subject as the stepson ignored stepdad for the last 6-7 years of his life. The stepson lived in a different state, rarely called/returned calls and visited our home less than 3x's over 9 years when he was in the area. Yet now that he is passed, he is front and center in our living room. I think it has been good for my husbands grieving process. But his stepson did not leave a great impression on me with his actions on how he treated his stepdad.
Thank you for your honest reply.
I can see how you would be torn about it.
As a stepparent, I had to learn to separate myself from the situations my husband dealt with in regard to his children.
It wasn't easy! I don't guess it ever will be easy.
But I did learn that however my husband processes info about his children, that is how I should take my lead -- and support him.
We have always discussed things that have come up . . . but I committed to myself that I would always remember . . . no one in this whole world can tell me how I should or shouldn't be dealing with my son . . . it just doesn't matter to me. If I seek advice, that is one thing. BUt as far as how I process our interaction? Nope. It doesn't matter to me how things "look" to anyone else.
Sometimes, with children who have hurt us the most . . . the sorrows go the deepest. And along with that, the regrets, the sadness.
Despite your hubby having been treated less than ideally by this now-deceased son, I would have to say . . . this is not your judgment call . . . your hubby may be holding back about his deep sorrow with you (and maybe he isn't). My point is - he may never truly reveal to you --or ANYONE -- the many layers of grief and sadness he is going through.
If it is helping him get through things, you need to reframe your anger at this stepson and put things in the context of his being gone now . . . and that the only thing that should be important as far as YOUR life (and feelings about this son) would be to do whatever it takes, gracefully, to help your husband deal with the loss.
If making a SHRINE out of the urn helps him, then make a shrine. I am so serious. Do whatever helps your husband deal with this loss.
I saw my mother try to minimize the grief my father felt with his own parents' deaths and it was something that impressed me for life. She thought she was being subtle in encouraging him to think of the negative things about his parents but I knew the whole thing was because SHE DID NOT LIKE HIS PARENTS and she wanted him to agree with her . . . and by grieving, that sent her the signal that - oops! his parents were important to him. Somehow, that felt like an affront to her.
Don't let yourself get sucked into that sort of a scenario. You will come out looking bad (even if your motivations are very different than trying to convince your husband that his son was not so sterling, after all).
He has lost a child. Doesn't matter if it is a child he was close to or not.
Sometimes, the thing we mourn the most are the MISSED OPPORTUNITIES. After someone is dead, there is no way to rectify a situation, create a new beginning, work harder at being close . . . or even to forgive. There are no do-overs once a child is dead. All that are left are the memories and sometimes . . . the regrets.
My husband has placed his step son's urn in our living room on the mantel. The step son died suddenly in is early twenties last year. I have friends and relatives who will now not go into the room because the urn is there and they find it unsettling. Any advice on how to handle the grief yet be mindful of the living?
It sounds like they still visit you, but avoid the living room. How is that a problem?
When you have an out of state house guest for 3 weeks, it makes you feel bad as a host, when your guest is not completely comfortable when visiting your home. Thus my question seeking opinions on this forum.
When you have an out of state house guest for 3 weeks, it makes you feel bad as a host, when your guest is not completely comfortable when visiting your home. Thus my question seeking opinions on this forum.
If that's the reason your guest is uncomfortable visiting your home, you need to follow the advice of the rest of those on this thread and find new friends. I'm only 26, but that's the most ridiculous reason I've heard to date for feeling uncomfortable at somebody's home. If somebody entered my house and within 5 minutes began to b**** about the location of my father's ashes, I'd be telling them to stick their concerns where sun the doesn't shine. Very, very disrespectful of a guest to comment on such a thing, IMO.
When you have an out of state house guest for 3 weeks, it makes you feel bad as a host, when your guest is not completely comfortable when visiting your home. Thus my question seeking opinions on this forum.
Gotcha! I think...
So, here's my 2 cents. I am creeped out by human remains, including "ashes". However, if the "ashes" are not those of one of MY loved ones, I'd try to mentally block it out and enjoy the visit.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm in denial of death or something, be aware that I was at my mother's side when she died at home. I checked her pulse after her last breath, noted the time of death, bathed her body, dressed her in a clean nightgown and changed her sheets before hospice was called. But I don't attend viewings and I don't save "ashes".
As I indicated above, as long as it is not my loved one, I would try to ignore the urn. Your friends and relatives don't need to be "completely" comfortable. Comfortable should be good enough.
Unless your are sprinkling the ashes in the guest's cereal, I'm not sure what the issue was. If the young man's skeletal remains were displayed, that would be one thing, but ashes in an urn? Your friend's reaction would creep me out.
How about this? Why not just move the urn to another room while your guests are there? Why turn it into a big problem when there's a very simple solution.
Thank you for your replies.
I am torn on the subject as the stepson ignored stepdad for the last 6-7 years of his life. The stepson lived in a different state, rarely called/returned calls and visited our home less than 3x's over 9 years when he was in the area. Yet now that he is passed, he is front and center in our living room. I think it has been good for my husbands grieving process. But his stepson did not leave a great impression on me with his actions on how he treated his stepdad.
Your husband is grieving over "what might have been." That is perfectly normal. His stepson may never have been able to live up to what your husband dreamed of, but that doesn't really matter now. All that matters is that your husband is finding a way to come to terms with it. Just be there for him. Someday, the urn will probably disappear from the living room.
When you have an out of state house guest for 3 weeks, it makes you feel bad as a host, when your guest is not completely comfortable when visiting your home. Thus my question seeking opinions on this forum.
You certainly have crappy guests when they are complaining about something like an urn. Seriously WHO does that?
To me it seems you have a problem with the urn and are projecting it on to others.
Let your husband mourn. It makes you look really petty, jealous, and small for turning this into an issue.
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