Grieving what was said or done that helped you the most?

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by CArizona

My friend lost her sister about a year and a half ago. (They were super close.) I know my friend misses her sister and still wants to talk about her. So I bring up her sister every so often when we're together...No one else talks about my friend's sister anymore. (Not even her husband.) And this is what I run into myself.. Most of my friends don't mention my husband and sons anymore. (On their own.)...I talk about them once in awhile because they're still on my mind. They still "exist" for me and always will..I decided to try-out a grief support group this week so I can talk about my loved ones. And be around other people who still want to talk about their deceased loved ones too.

Hi CA,

It's been a while since I was here. Have you gone to the Grief Support Group Yet? If so, how was it?

I don't know that friends try to be unkind or not caring when they fail to bring up those we've lost. If they haven't experienced a similar loss, I think they are clueless. If they have experienced loss and don't bring up your husband or sons, we don't know where they are in their grief process.

I guess what I'm trying to say is most people are stuck on their lives more than others. I don't know that they intend to hurt you vs. It just doesn't dawn on them you might like to talk about your family too

I'm proud of you for trying a support group. You weren't ready when I first arrived here about seven months ago. I hope you can look at your progress since then

MSR

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by latetotheparty

thank you for starting this thread and thank you all for responding.... a dear friend just passed away from cancer this week and I want to continue to be a friend to her husband.... I knew that just being there was important, but it is nice to see that reaffirmed...

CArizona.... warm, healing hugs headed your way from me......

latetotheparty,
It's never too late to show you care. Some of the most healing things can be to have someone who shows up and requires no answers or work.

I'm sorry for your loss. You have tried to help others by showing up which you innately knew to do. Make sure you take care of yourself too

Best wishes across the miles for healing for you and your friends.

MSR

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by revrandy

Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. That does not mean ignore the topic but rather visit with them and let them talk - just be supportive and intently listen to what they have to say. You can ask them if they want to talk about the death but please don't start dwelling on it, take your cues from them.

One thing I always ask people after a funeral is to follow-up with the family 10 days to 2 weeks after the funeral. Most people are there in the days immediately following the death, and right after the funeral, but 2 weeks later everyone has gone home and moved on, and the family left behind is experiencing a huge void. That is when they most need friends to be there for me, listen and let them know they are not alone.

Part of my pastoral follow-up is always a call 2 weeks later, and then again 2 to 4 weeks later, depending on the family and the situation. Those calls and visits are usually far more meaningful than right after the death when people are too busy planning a funeral etc. than thinking about themselves.

So many good points revrandy. Most people need visits and practical help later. Between the numbness and other emotions those left behind feel initially there is usually a lot to do. When company stops coming 2-4 weeks later, as you mentioned, a whole new level of loss happens. The monthly bills, invoice from the funeral home and others, it's sure nice to have a friend who will listen and maybe take some food over visit.

One thing I've found is if the person is now alone, they aren't necessarily eating. So I try to show up a little before dinnertime with food I know that person likes and funny how I either cook dinner or get asked to stay for dinner. When one isn't faced with eating alone and has a few leftovers they can quickly heat, eating isn't as hard. Someone or a couple of people can help get this part of their life a little more normal. It will help.

MSR

[dreamofmonterey]

My ex was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. '
Im sorry for everyone who went through this. don't post much on this old story (been here a long time, lol) but anyway it is something that's very hard to deal with.
On the good side my sister in law is now a best friend. life is strange sometimes, only God can explain it. Nothing can be said or done, sometimes acceptance or just spiritual empathy can help.

[CArizona]

Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey

My ex was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. '
Im sorry for everyone who went through this. don't post much on this old story (been here a long time, lol) but anyway it is something that's very hard to deal with.
On the good side my sister in law is now a best friend. life is strange sometimes, only God can explain it. Nothing can be said or done, sometimes acceptance or just spiritual empathy can help.

I'm really sorry to hear about your ex.

[CArizona]

Originally Posted by Mtn. States Resident

Hi CA,

It's been a while since I was here. Have you gone to the Grief Support Group Yet? If so, how was it?

I don't know that friends try to be unkind or not caring when they fail to bring up those we've lost. If they haven't experienced a similar loss, I think they are clueless. If they have experienced loss and don't bring up your husband or sons, we don't know where they are in their grief process.

I guess what I'm trying to say is most people are stuck on their lives more than others. I don't know that they intend to hurt you vs. It just doesn't dawn on them you might like to talk about your family too

I'm proud of you for trying a support group. You weren't ready when I first arrived here about seven months ago. I hope you can look at your progress since then

MSR

MSR...Good to have you back...Well, I decided to put off joining a grief support group right now.. I'm thinking about checking out "over 50 fun groups" in my area first. Think I need to have more fun in my life...Members of these groups get together for meals or movies or parties or day-trips, etc...Smilin is coming back out next month and we'll have fun together again. YEA!..How have you been? Hope you're feeling better...Maybe I'll just write about my loved ones in my blogs and this will help me. (Versus actually joining a grief support group.)

[CArizona]

Originally Posted by Mtn. States Resident

Hi CA,

It's been a while since I was here. Have you gone to the Grief Support Group Yet? If so, how was it?

I don't know that friends try to be unkind or not caring when they fail to bring up those we've lost. If they haven't experienced a similar loss, I think they are clueless. If they have experienced loss and don't bring up your husband or sons, we don't know where they are in their grief process.

I guess what I'm trying to say is most people are stuck on their lives more than others. I don't know that they intend to hurt you vs. It just doesn't dawn on them you might like to talk about your family too

I'm proud of you for trying a support group. You weren't ready when I first arrived here about seven months ago. I hope you can look at your progress since then

MSR

Little more...I don't take it "personally" if friends don't bring-up my husband or sons. I know they are dealing with the "here and now" and I am on my own today...Last week I asked one of my friends if her friends or family members mention her husband anymore. (Her husband died last April.)...She said that his name hardly ever comes up anymore. Even his mom doesn't talk about him now...My friend was happy to have a chance to talk about her husband again with me. And I enjoyed it!.. Her husband was my friend too and I sure miss him...We have to bury our loved ones in the ground or have them cremated. But they will always "live-on" in our hearts and minds and memories! Right?

[tamiznluv]

Your post about the "fun group" made me giggle, CA. I read about one near here the other day when surfing about grief groups. I bet you'd have a blast in a group like that. Add smilin' to the mix....instant fun! I'm very glad to hear your better spirits.

[Mtn. States Resident]

[Arizona;33165508]MSR...Good to have you back...Well, I decided to put off joining a grief support group right now.. I'm thinking about checking out "over 50 fun groups" in my area first. Think I need to have more fun in my life...Members of these groups get together for meals or movies or parties or day-trips, etc...Smilin is coming back out next month and we'll have fun together again. YEA!..How have you been? Hope you're feeling better...Maybe I'll just write about my loved ones in my blogs and this will help me. (Versus actually joining a grief support group.)[/quote]

Hi CA,

Wow, I want to know more about these fun groups I think what is most important is you have healed some or made a shift. Different things work for different people as we recover. I like it that you're checking out people in your area who are fun. It is difficult to have fun as most fun earlier in our lives involved others we've lost.

Some days can be unbearable. Some are not too bad. Now it sounds like you have days you look forward to new or different experiences. That is wonderful!

I'm happy that you and Smilin' are getting together again soon. I think it takes healing to a certain point to be able to enjoy other people again. I'm so glad you two connected at Christmas.

I really think there are answers for everyone, but they come in different ways, different times and perhaps via different people. To me the question is, are we open enough to receive messages in ways we never anticipated?

I never told anyone about two things that happened on Christmas. As you rightly remembered, CA, Christmas is Crick ' s birthday too. Crick always liked "Crossing Over" with John Edward. There was always a promise we had made early on that if one of us died first that person would come back to let the other know. I honestly thought we'd probably both die at some work related something. I could never visualize my life without Crick in it somehow.

I have very strong beliefs about the Afterlife, probably even stronger than Crick's, who believed in an Afterlife as well. We each have had experiences with others we had lost, that aren't appropriate to share here. But after those types of experiences, it is very difficult for me to read when others here state they think there is no contact after death.

I respect each person's beliefs, but sometimes I wish those who are adamant there is nothing else could "borrow" beliefs when I hear their stories about all the dreams, electrical events etc. Some even acknowledge them as being unusual and what many would call "visits" or "signs." Yet they don't see those same events as messages for themselves.

I had a terrible day physically on Christmas and declined all the invitations I had received.
I felt awful. For some reason I decided to look at my emails that night. There was one from John Edward and a live net cast he was doing for 2 hrs.! I'd already missed most of it but heard/saw about 45 minutes. It was the first time I'd remembered the promise we had made, but not my first after death experience I'd had with Crick.

That night, I also deemed about Crick. So for me, it was a special Christmas in a different way. It was like having my best pal and personal neurologist confirm how severe my symptoms were. It was nice.

Since I've wandered all over the map and back in my post, I'll add tonight I was thinking about whether or not I could make it through a week without hearing a song I liked long before I met Crick. It mentions Crick's hometown in it, about 2,000 miles away. I had to do some things tonight. When I got back I decided for some reason to look in a clinic bag for something, as we left about 10 large bags of teaching supplies, forms etc. at my mother's house since we did a satellite clinic here. It was too hard to pack all that stuff back and forth. Of course tonight when I look in this zipped bag that I've seen daily for around six months, I unzipped it and found six full prescription pads I've never seen in there before.

I'm not sure of the meaning of that one. Coincidence- NOPE. All script pads were kept elsewhere. An opinion or hope about me not needing to hear that song again, maybe. I just don't know if the answer is yes or no. If you have thoughts, please post them.

I owe the OP an apology for going with what my gut has told me. I have a sense someone I know from CDF may read this. What I've written will help that person. Who knows, maybe that person can tell me if six prescription pads were "doctor's orders" to hear the song in question so the bond remains as strong. That person knows the song I'm referencing, just so we're clear if that person reads this.

Don't worry if this makes no sense to you, if it doesn't, it isn't suppose to. If it does make sense to some then you know what I mean.

Now aren't you sorry you asked, CA, how I was Physically, I wish I were better. Otherwise okay. Thanks for asking.

MSR

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by tamiznluv

Your post about the "fun group" made me giggle, CA. I read about one near here the other day when surfing about grief groups. I bet you'd have a blast in a group like that. Add smilin' to the mix....instant fun! I'm very glad to hear your better spirits.

Tami,

Just imagine yourself giggling at a fun group. I think you would be fun too
Giggle your way west to meet some of the friends you've made.

MSR