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Each person has to decide for him or herself of what happens after death. I can't deny experiences I've had.
I hope you've done ok during this time and appreciated your note
MSR
MSR...Thanks for caring. I went through a rough week. (Lots of ups and downs!) Basically, I handled everything by myself. (Like I normally do.)...In the end, I "rescued myself" and gained more confidence...The sun finally "broke through!" (In other words!)..I didn't feel like going to the grief support group meeting yesterday. Went out and spoiled and rewarded myself instead...I'm sure I'll probably go back to the group. But I'm used to being a "go-it-aloner." (I guess.)...I handled everything all by myself during the week and I wanted to take a day off and celebrate yesterday. (Versus sitting in the group and talking about my grief or rough week.) Make sense?
I tried to start a new thread, but between the appearance every new poster here starts a new thread and given the content, I didn't know what to title the thread. I apologize in advance for this not fitting here. The truth is I trust those who post in this thread the most of any in the Grief Forum.
I've had a lot of things happen this week. I found myself driving in a neighborhood I hadn't anticipated. No big deal in many ways until I saw some in wheelchairs outside. I realized what rehab and care facility was about four blocks away. Then it was too much for me.
Yes, Crick had spent time there and they were the ones who called me asking if they should take Crick to the hospital E. R. one morning. I asked if that was a joke?! Hell yes I wanted 911 called and E.R. Care! Just Septic Shock resulting in about 3.5 weeks of Critical Care. The books I could write about that experience.....
But that isn't what was too much this week. It was seeing residents responsible for themselves in their wheelchairs among traffic and how they were dressed. I wanted to vomit! I can clearly recall one person in particular. I wasn't physically able to help so I didn't stop.
That morning I'd had clothes stolen from a hotel room, had a very unusual experience about 2:30 a.m. and had to change my plans. Those factors probably all contribute to how much seeing the residents bothered me. I've been through that intersection many times with no problems, it was seeing the residents....
Then today, one of our colleagues who really helped me the first three months after Crick's unexpected death, called me. We've been in touch off and on for many months. It wasn't that he called it was the reason he called. He explained how it happened that he had a conversation yesterday, I believe, about a patient. I knew immediately who that patient was, before he told me.
It was too much hearing about this former patient! Her current husband told my friend about Crick's death.
I can't really describe what I feel. I've accomplished nothing today.
This is a quote from Elizabeth Edwards about losing her son, Wade. I think it applies to any loved one. I was very comforted and appreciative when someone spoke to me about my mother after she passed away. I still am. This made me realize it was important to speak about, acknowledge, a death, rather than to pretend like nothing has happened because of my fear of saying something that might upset the bereaved.
Quote:
“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention
them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that
they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What
you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and
...that is a great gift.” ― Elizabeth Edwards
That quote is spot on. I've said something similar to it a few times. My late wife was never off my mind more than a few minutes at a time for the first few months after her death (or while we were together). Someone bringing up her name NEVER reminded me of her death, only that someone else still thought of her.
Obviously, my friends and family visiting and attending her funeral helped. That was kind of expected, and as has been noted in previous posts, we have lots of support those first few days.
Two instances that I recall were very welcome. The first was my neighbor meeting me in the street a week or so after her death (the neighbor across the street). He simply said he was sorry about the loss of my wife and said something about her, encouraging a response from me. That was all I needed to talk about her. And I needed to talk about our life together. It may have brought a tear to my eye, but it always made me feel good to relive our time together by talking about things we'd done. I just needed someone to listen and encourage me to talk. Someday I need to tell him how much that meant to me.
The other instance was when an old high school friend of hers called me. It was a few months after her death, and she said she'd just learned of it. I'd never heard of this woman, but we talked for a couple hours. It was great sharing our memories. I learned things about my late wife that I never before knew -- nothing extraordinary, just little snippets of her childhood that I'd have never learned from anyone but her or my wife, who could no longer tell them to me. And I was able to tell her things about her old high school friend that she didn't know. I was bawling my eyes out (secretly), but nothing could have made me feel better. That woman, the old friend of my late wife, will never know how much I appreciated that call. Unfortunately, I don't remember her name and certainly don't have her phone number, but to the kind lady in Chicago who called that day, thank you!
Hi everyone, I haven't been here for awhile but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of you all. The reason I came here two years ago is that my Mom died. I'm an only child and we were extremely close. She was elderly but the death was sudden and unexpected (from a fall).
I have a couple answers to the question. I guess more than anything, I appreciated people asking me about what happened. I was so stunned about her death and really puzzled about how the whole thing happened, and I wanted to talk about it. I appreciated people who called, even in the first day or two after she died. Even if I couldn't get the phone, I appreciated the fact that they didn't shy away from calling me or think they'd be bothering me. I appreciated people who offered to help, and then actually DID help. I appreciated the fact that some people I hadn't known long or very well still came to her viewing to pay their condolences. I appreciated people who sent cards and wrote notes; they were very comforting and I've kept every one.
Now, hardly anyone talks about her. But I sure appreciate it when they do.
It's funny, I had such a clear dream about her last night. The dream was a jumble of things that are happening in my current life, but she was right there with me. It must mean she is still very much a part of my life, and she really is still with me.
When my 12 year old son died suddenly I was a mess, I am still a mess sometimes!! I was lucky to have a lot of support and wonderful friends and family around me. I think knowing I always had someone to go to was the best for me. I also love to talk about him and everytime I talk about him, people listen, cry and laugh..........another thing that I thought was bad at the time but in hindsight, it was a good thing is that the church asked me to decorate it for holidays. It was an extra burden at the time and it was hard for me to do, but I had a key to the church and I would go there at night, no lights and no one around and have a nice cry and yell match with God...........he just let me carry on and I was actually comforted by that.
I initially started reading this thread because I thought the topic, how to help someone who is grieving, was something I could learn from. Most people would do well to learn how to truly help others who are going through the loss of a loved one.
But CArizona, I must say that your post has left me stunned. I am so terribly sorry for such an unimaginable loss. I do hope you are surrounded by family and friends who can give you the love and support you need. I also hope that the concern of this stranger here on an internet forum can somehow bring you at least a moment's peace and encouragement.
My mother in law passed just two months ago. Before she passed, but when the end was near, it would have been helpful if people would have brought some meals in. I live 400 miles away and was down there at my brother in law's house, and I was cooking for a house full of ten people. It would have been some relief to not have to think about it.
One friend didn't go to the funeral service, and instead offered to stay at the house and be there for when the caterer came with food for the wake. My sister and an older friend of my MIL got to work setting out all the trays and keeping them refilled. That was a huge help. Our cousins graciously provided the catering for us. People were very rude at the wake and didn't let us set everything out, they just jammed in to where the food was and were rude to us. They didn't let the family in there either to get something to eat. Just be respectful.
Friends/roommates of my BIL, prior to my MIL passing, gave us respite by sitting with my MIL and notifying the nurses when she was in pain, and holding her hand.
My MIL was a meticulous dresser and didn't want people to see her in the last few months of life, which was a shame. We did get her lovely scarves and knit hat to wear (she had cancer). People did send photos, plants, cards, and called her and texted and facebooked her to the end. I always tagged her in facebook when I had a cute animal meme or lovely scenery to share. She loved that.
A lot of people sent flowers, and it was very comforting. I focused on the flowers on the funeral day and meditated on them.
Hugs are wonderfully comforting. And don't forget the survivors. I hope that my FIL's friends don't forget about him and include him in their plans.
DON'T SAY SHE IS IN A BETTER PLACE, or remind me how she was suffering. I lived through her last three weeks. You have no idea how she suffered and really, I don't want to go there mentally.
Friends have told me that I should be happy and grateful that my loved ones are in a "better place" and not suffering anymore...I always agree with them. Of course I agree...But I'd like to hear something else. Maybe a little awareness about how much I miss my husband and sons. (And all my other loved ones who died.) Awareness about how drastically my life has changed since everyone passed-away...I never put anyone "down" for what they say. I know my friends "mean-well." But I do get tired of hearing the same old "lines."
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Too Unusul for a Title
