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Yes, you are taking it to an extreme when you allow it to affect how you treat your spouse. Right now, you are just wallowing and compounding your own misery. That is just not productive and it will not add to your happiness in the long run. I'm going to be very blunt, because I've seen people experiencing the kind of grief you are experiencing just continually wallow in it and spread their misery to everyone around them, ultimately isolating themselves entirely.
Look, I've been a lifelong dog owner. I was working with dogs from the time I could walk. I am very sorry for your loss - believe me, I know what it's like to lose a dog. I've lost many over the years. And each time, it's like being gutted.
If you think that getting another dog will somehow "replace" your Maggie, you are not thinking very clearly. You are not honoring her by extending your grieving by refusing to move on. Think about times when you were sad - no doubt your dog came to you and offered you affection and comfort. It's what they do. Obviously, your dog did not want to see you unhappy. So how is extending your period of grieving honoring her?
And really, you think a new dog will replace your memories of her? Let me assure you it will not. I can tell stories about the dogs I've had from 38 years of living like they only passed away yesterday. If you're really worried about that, write down your memories of her. But don't sit there with her toys still left where they were, obsessing over every detail and refusing to move to the next level. That's ridiculous - it's not honorable or noble. If you should have taken anything from having a dog as a pet it is that life is short and it should be savored. Dogs live in the moment. That's what so wonderful about them - have you learned nothing from having her in your life for those years?
And no, your wife did not kill your dog by feeding her Purina. Not the best food, for sure, but if you were so concerned, why didn't you spring for the fancy stuff? Why put it on your wife? Heck, you could have cooked her food for her if you really wanted to keep her in the best health - and it probably would have been pretty cheap.
You don't need to get a new dog right away, for sure. But you do need to keep moving forward, and if you really do not feel capable of pulling yourself out of this funk, you should see a therapist.
But here's my final piece of insight: A pet is a very private relationship. Their owners are their worlds, and those who are not part of that pet-owner relationship don't usually "get" what makes it tick. A child interacts with many people, not just their parents. They have language with which to express themselves and develop bonds with others. When you lose a child, you mourn with your community at your back. When you lose a pet, you mourn alone, for the most part.
Sorry to hear your dog died. I'm not a dog owner and will pet the occasional dog here and then, but I can understand how some folks really bond with their pets and develop long lasting, meaningful relations with them.
I've gotten proportionally more upset about stuff that shouldn't be too bad, like dropping my phone and breaking the screen. I needed a bit of time to figure out how to deal with that (phone still worked, but screen was ugly, and I could cut myself using it). Managed to put a screen protector to keep the sharp stuff at bay, and sucked it up and paid $130 to have it repaired. Going further back, I had relationships that went sour, so you feel that sense of loss, even though it's still not the same level as a beloved pet.
Last edited by ackmondual; 11-24-2014 at 12:17 AM..
Yes, you're way overdoing it. If I am a jerk, forgive me, but I'm going to say it--it was a dog. It was not a human being. There is a difference. You don't equate a dog or any pet as being on the same level of importance or significance as a human being, even an older one. You just, don't.
That's not to say your pain is silly or irrelevant. I'm simply saying some perspective is in order--and look, I'm one who myself sometimes needs a swift kick in the pants to be reminded of perspective with respect to other things, so arguably I'm one to talk. It is certainly understandable for you to be down in the dumps and not feeling particularly great when you remember your loss. However, to mourn this long does seem a bit much, and blaming your wife--so not cool, and again, I'm not perfect, I've had to apologize to my wife for different things, and initially I didn't want to. However, I was wrong, even if it took me awhile to accept that I was and respond accordingly.
It's okay, especially earlier on, to be sad, depressed, to feel like you don't know if you want another dog because it won't be the same and you think you'll forever be unfairly measuring the new dog up against your memories of the older one. If you don't feel like another dog, don't get one. It's allowed. However--no, you don't blame someone for supposedly killing your dog because they fed the dog Purina. Heck, I feed my dog generic, and I wouldn't blame myself as negligent if they passed. It's dog food, not rat poison. I'm not a veterinarian, but I would conjure up a guess that it was simply the dog's time, the food had nothing to do with it, and the dog would've died even if it had been fed the most expensive dog food in the store.
Again, dogs are not anywhere near as important as humans, adults or children--however, I am going to say this. Dogs are not usually going to outlive their owners, their owners are going to see them die eventually. You know this going in, you can't be surprised, shock, and mourn forever when the inevitable happens.
Here's the comparison--let's say you have children. Your children will eventually grow up and turn into adults, they will now have opinions different than how you raised them and the autonomy to make their lives what they want it to be, and they are going to do things you raised them NOT to do (not necessarily criminal or sleazy etc). They may move out-of-state for their job and you now may only see them sporadically, and now they're married and this other person is more important to them than you are--all of this after you were their world for 18 years and after all you've done for them. However, you KNOW going in that such is part of the deal with being a parent.
When the time comes, it's normal to be sad for awhile, and to see them living their lives the way they want to, but are you going to be paralyzed forever because your children aren't children anymore, when you knew all along it was going to happen, when it's meant to happen? The same goes here--you know you are going to outlive your pet, you can't be surprised and mourn forever at the inevitable.
Go to a shelter and adopt a dog that's out of time. There are so many Maggie's being destroyed every day. So many deserving unloved animals that need good people like you to care for them. Unfortunately the grief is part of loving something that only has a short time with us. It does get better. Your heart will heal and another animal will bring you just as much joy if you let it. Please go rescue something that needs you as much as you need to love again. I'm crying now because my heart aches for our princess Amber that left us in May a day before her 16th birthday. She was our cat and my husbands special pet. We miss her so much but my heart also aches for all the animals that are euthanized every day because people won't step up and clean up the mess that we've created. I long for another cat. I've always had one, but my husband won't open his heart and save another. Please don't follow in his footsteps, and remember that your wife should be more important to you then any animal. I'm sure she's hurting too.
The people who say it is "just a dog or just a cat" will never understand that our pets become far more than that............they are family, and in many respects are nicer to be around than some human family members ! Pets ask nothing of us, only to be loved and to be fed regularly, and in return they give us all their loyalty and love, and they keep us laughing constantly. My own cats have a sense of humor and they are always doing something that makes me smile..........they are funny and know it !
I do agree that the lashing out at your Wife was wrong, and is a symptom of your pain and anguish........you are looking for someone to blame for your loss. But there is no one to blame, animals do not live forever, some die rather early in their lives from a variety of causes. The food she provided did nothing to accelerate that demise, so get over that idea, apologize to her, and start working on putting this all behind you.
Let me give a little bit more info on the Friday night scene: As in appropriate as I was that was not a Jerry Springer scene. I said something wrong and was chided. I quietly accepted the indignation with my head lowered. The 'humiliation' was mostly and justifiably mine.
As to Maggie, she died 11 years of age; probable cause some tumor in her belly. She was eaten up within 3 weeks of first symptoms and it was my darn hands who had to sign off on the euthanasia form--the wife wouldn't sign that. But of course I can't blame my wife for the death. She did strictly control Maggie's diet and disregarded my (and my mother in law's advice) to not feed processed food but I CANNOT rationally blame the wife. Maybe, in grief, some of us can try to look for 'blame' in wrong way.
Anyway, we had a very gloomy, quiet weekend, with both buried in our books and computers. But last night I hugged her, apologized and told her that she could not be blamed for the loss of Maggie. She replied: "I did whatever I could for her."
As to adopting another dog, that is out of question for now.
OP, I'm glad that you've made things right with your wife. It's obvious to me that her response indicates that she knew you placed some blame on her. I think with letting go of the blame, this will put you on the road to healing.
About 10 months ago we (wife and I) lost our dog Maggie. We are voluntarily 'child free'. We live in relative isolation--no neighbors. So for many years our lives revolved around Maggie. She was our daughter. I won't go as far as to say she would be like our biological daughter but pretty close.
After her loss I have mostly restricted myself to be within myself. The old me--ready to make new friends and ready to make plans with friends--is still unable to reach out to people. There is even some rudeness or at least antipathy toward friends--sort of like 'Couldn't care less' or 'take it or leave it' while making plans.
We are unwilling to replace Maggie. Her toys are still in our living room. We watch her photos and videos almost on daily basis. Visit her grave in our backyard often. Her bed is still on our bedroom floor--though she would almost always sleep with us on our bed.
We--especially I--are inconsolable. It may seem odd to a lot of people here about a pet but we just are. I am unwilling to replace her memories by adopting another dog. I think that will happen if we get another dog. And I also want to, philosophically, fully 'digest' the sense of the loss and ponder the larger issues of life through the loss.
While I have subtly blamed my wife for feeding her processed dog food (you know, Purina etc) leading to Maggie's death last night I crossed the line and blamed her in front of some strangers in a pub. I was rightly chided by the strangers. Wife and I could barely choke our tears. I was wrong. She knows that and she knows I know it. But I have yet to apologize to her for the last night--fearing it will cause a new flare up. I probably will.
Question: Have I gone too far in mourning? Is it okay to stay in grieving as long as it takes?
Yes, very much so. I suggest you seek professional help as soon as possible.
Honor Maggie by giving another dog (maybe 2 who get along well) from a shelter a great home. They will be so grateful and will provide you with an enormous amount of joy, and you will be saving lives. What a wonderful way to celebrate Thanksgiving.
It is normal for all of us who love dogs to mourn them, but I like to remember all the good times and not dwell on what is just the worst part of the life cycle. Your vet could probably direct you to a support group or even just offer you some comfort so that you can deal with your grief and then move on. I hope that you can do that and my thoughts are with you.
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Pets ask nothing of us, only to be loved and to be fed regularly, and in return they give us all their loyalty and love, and they keep us laughing constantly. My own cats have a sense of humor and they are always doing something that makes me smile..........they are funny and know it !
