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Maggie wouldn't want this for you. She would feel terrible if the two people she loved were arguing and hurting each other because of her. You know that.
Think about Maggie and what she loved about the two of you and her life with you. Will the grief go away? No, but you will be able to live with it. You can't afford to hurt your wife; she's already in pain. She misses Maggie as much as you do. You sure can't afford to lose her. So many divorces happen because of losses like this.
Go for some walks in the park where other people have dogs. I know that they can't replace Maggie, but they can give you some of the dog contact that you desperately need. I promise that Maggie won't be jealous.
I know it's hard, but you musn't give up. You'll be with her again some day.
You are not moving on because you are choosing to stay in the rut of grief.
First apologize to your wife for blaming her for the dogs death. You can have very easily went and bought the dog food you thought was appropriate. Everyone dies and it is not fair that you blame your wife for something that is unavoidable and that you could have changed (the food) yourself.
Quit watching the videos, pick up the dog toys and get rid of them or at the very least put them in a container in the garage, pick up the dog bed and put it away or get rid of it, pick up the food and water bowls as well, put away or get rid of any leash, collar, blanket, pillow, sweater or anything else that belonged to the dog.
Seek professional therapy to help you quit blaming your wife and move forward in your own life.
About 10 months ago we (wife and I) lost our dog Maggie. We are voluntarily 'child free'. We live in relative isolation--no neighbors. So for many years our lives revolved around Maggie. She was our daughter. I won't go as far as to say she would be like our biological daughter but pretty close.
After her loss I have mostly restricted myself to be within myself. The old me--ready to make new friends and ready to make plans with friends--is still unable to reach out to people. There is even some rudeness or at least antipathy toward friends--sort of like 'Couldn't care less' or 'take it or leave it' while making plans.
We are unwilling to replace Maggie. Her toys are still in our living room. We watch her photos and videos almost on daily basis. Visit her grave in our backyard often. Her bed is still on our bedroom floor--though she would almost always sleep with us on our bed.
We--especially I--are inconsolable. It may seem odd to a lot of people here about a pet but we just are. I am unwilling to replace her memories by adopting another dog. I think that will happen if we get another dog. And I also want to, philosophically, fully 'digest' the sense of the loss and ponder the larger issues of life through the loss.
While I have subtly blamed my wife for feeding her processed dog food (you know, Purina etc) leading to Maggie's death last night I crossed the line and blamed her in front of some strangers in a pub. I was rightly chided by the strangers. Wife and I could barely choke our tears. I was wrong. She knows that and she knows I know it. But I have yet to apologize to her for the last night--fearing it will cause a new flare up. I probably will.
Question: Have I gone too far in mourning? Is it okay to stay in grieving as long as it takes?
I have read only this first post because the subject hits too close to home. First, the obvious stuff: please apologize to your wife as if you were apologizing to Maggie. I never use imperatives on City Data or any other site, but this, you must do.
Second: Eight years ago next week, I voluntarily euthanized a 13-year-old pet I also considered my "daughter." I have never gotten over her loss, have cried about her every month since December, 2006, did not even consider replacing her, and have accepted that her death was perhaps the defining moment of my midlife--and perhaps of my life.
I also am childless. I am unmarried, and, because I'm devout, I do not have "partners." My little friend, a rescue (three times a rescue) was the only sentient being to sleep in my bed in 40 years. The last bedmate I had was a sister when we lived at home under our parents' roof.
The loss of a pet, like the loss of a human, can coincide or collide with major spiritual issues in a pet owner's life. The politically correct and socially polite thing to say is Get another pet, or There is something pathological about your mourning, or Maggie would want you to be happy. I will say none of those things, because to say them would, in one sense, devalue the intensity of your pain.
What your inconsolable loss signifies to me is that you are coming face-to-face with the fact that we live in a fallen finite world, where even the strongest parental love for innocents (human or otherwise) cannot save. That is a dark truth about this world. Perhaps "old age" begins when we are hit in the gut with it.
I generally end my posts with God Bless You, because I believe in God and think that to wish His blessings on others is a cordial and necessary thing. I won't end this post that way, because it is God's breathtaking absence from your situation--and from our world at large--that is the source of your pain.
The Beatles, whom I do not regard as exemplars in any way other than their lyrics' frequent brilliance, said, "Boy, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time."
And you are. Because you had Maggie. Matthew 10:29: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care."
The only possible solace in your situation is the belief that God has not forgotten Maggie.
But can't do that. I have told her in very clear terms not to sneak in another pet in our lives ever unless we are both fully ready.
If there is going to another family member then this time the decision has to be mutual.
PS. I had thought about putting this topic in the 'Great Debates' forum. To start a debate about what 'life' itself means. Some would say, 'hey, get over it, she was just a dog. There are plenty of human beings suffering'. To them I would counter: 'Love can be unconditional...'
I don't think the purpose of this thread was at all about seeking condolences, as much as they are appreciated. I put on a Stoical face in public. Even to my wife most of the time. I think grief should elevate us once we fully, truly saturate the grief. I don't think I have come to that point.
I could not post much yesterday.........we too lost a dog.......a child.
Our Angle died in February.
In a few months my husband took me to see some puppies.........we had mailed a deposit on one.
I was so upset holding the puppy the lady took her from me and told me to wait.......she thought I would be to sad for the puppy.
Six weeks ago my husband went to get a dog from a breeder for his friend.......they had a puppy someone that paid the deposit and not taken the puppy.
I was shocked went he came home with a puppy.
Puppies are a lot of work.......but, I love Willow........she is not Angle.......she is Willow.
BTW, I also lost a "Maggie".........that was about 17 years ago.
The loss of a pet, like the loss of a human, can coincide or collide with major spiritual issues in a pet owner's life. The politically correct and socially polite thing to say is Get another pet, or There is something pathological about your mourning, or Maggie would want you to be happy. I will say none of those things, because to say them would, in one sense, devalue the intensity of your pain.
What your inconsolable loss signifies to me is that you are coming face-to-face with the fact that we live in a fallen finite world, where even the strongest parental love for innocents (human or otherwise) cannot save. That is a dark truth about this world. Perhaps "old age" begins when we are hit in the gut with it.
I have gone through all the responses above. Much appreciated. And I also doubly thankful for no harsh criticism. My wife and I have a bond far too strong to be broken up with Maggie's loss. The Friday night's was an aberration.
Your response is closer to my heart and mind. It's not necessarily because that's what WANT to hear; maybe that is the case. It's that I strongly feel unless I am fully ready to move on I shouldn't. I may be stuck in a rut but I haven't become a psychopath either. Life IS going on, albeit in more somber ways.
And, @NewNorthMainer, you are correct about hitting something in the 'gut'. You have quite an insight in this.
PS. I have not yet apologized. I think she KNOWS that I am sorry; we are too close to each other to not sense such things between us. I am afraid to bring up the subject--the house has been even more gloomy since Friday night's. I don't want to add to the gloom.
I think grief should elevate us once we fully, truly saturate the grief. I don't think I have come to that point.[/b]
How courageous, to say this. I'm glad you put it the way you did, with "we" as the subject and "grief" as the object. The verb "saturate" is optimistic but slightly ominous, at least if you reckon with the fact that in allowing grief to saturate you, it may claim you. Courage lies in the hope that it won't, because grief really should not be given a name. It should not be classified as an abstract noun. "Grief" counselors, "grieving"--No. The concept is too ugly for words.
Apologizing won't add to the gloom. What it may well do however is bring up emotions regarding marriage that might be excruciating. I am not at all talking about your particular marriage; I'm talking about marriage as an institution. There is a possibility that 1) your wife isn't suffering as deeply as you are about Maggie, and you don't or can't trust any human being with that molten lava; or, 2) your wife is absolutely suffering it as deeply as you are, but neither of you know how you'll muddle along if you bring up spiritual issues that run as deep as any can. I'm writing this because I trust you'll intuitively know what I mean; I'm not being intentionally, ha, lofty.
Nothing makes you as *un*lofty as the loss of a little animal.
Take care, and best of luck to you. In a way, and hopefully to bring a smile to your face, you have a Seinfeld situation on your hands. Two worlds are colliding. I'll stop here, 'cause I'm 100% certain other readers will think I'm mad as a hatter.
Last edited by Purplecow; 11-23-2014 at 06:56 AM..
Reason: add something
I just had a cat euthanized after I had her for 15 years. I live alone, so - just her and me.
I think you have to grieve in whatever way works for you, for however long feels right for you.
I find myself also pulling back a little from social interactions after the death of my cat.
I would say if your grieving is interfering w/relationships -
and you have already realized you were wrong to blame your partner.
if grieving interferes with working,
with carrying out your daily functions,
ie eating, sleeping, bathing, then that is a problem.
The day after my cat died, I didn't eat. I'm still having trouble eating well, that's a sign of depression. that's normal after the death of a loved one. If after several months, my grief was interfering with my health, I would consider that a problem.
You're the only one can determine if your grief is "too much". No one else can tell you.
I found this helpful to me- at some point I realized, "We only grieve because we love."
I wrote that down and read it often. There is nothing wrong with grief. It is a testament to how much we love.
You might find it helpful to seek out local pet bereavement groups. Pet Partners - Pet Partners -this site will help you find one in your area. Of course there are many online.
I found this site helpful: Ten Tips on Coping with Pet Loss
I'm very sorry for your loss. And I wish you comfort.
Quote:
Originally Posted by meengla
About 10 months ago we (wife and I) lost our dog Maggie. We are voluntarily 'child free'. We live in relative isolation--no neighbors. So for many years our lives revolved around Maggie. She was our daughter. I won't go as far as to say she would be like our biological daughter but pretty close.
After her loss I have mostly restricted myself to be within myself. The old me--ready to make new friends and ready to make plans with friends--is still unable to reach out to people. There is even some rudeness or at least antipathy toward friends--sort of like 'Couldn't care less' or 'take it or leave it' while making plans.
We are unwilling to replace Maggie. Her toys are still in our living room. We watch her photos and videos almost on daily basis. Visit her grave in our backyard often. Her bed is still on our bedroom floor--though she would almost always sleep with us on our bed.
We--especially I--are inconsolable. It may seem odd to a lot of people here about a pet but we just are. I am unwilling to replace her memories by adopting another dog. I think that will happen if we get another dog. And I also want to, philosophically, fully 'digest' the sense of the loss and ponder the larger issues of life through the loss.
While I have subtly blamed my wife for feeding her processed dog food (you know, Purina etc) leading to Maggie's death last night I crossed the line and blamed her in front of some strangers in a pub. I was rightly chided by the strangers. Wife and I could barely choke our tears. I was wrong. She knows that and she knows I know it. But I have yet to apologize to her for the last night--fearing it will cause a new flare up. I probably will.
Question: Have I gone too far in mourning? Is it okay to stay in grieving as long as it takes?
as far as all the well-intentioned advice to OP to get another dog-
I strongly disagree.
He (and wife) will know when and if they should get another pet.
That might be the right move for some people, no one can say if it is the right move for the OP, except he and his wife.
Personally, I would go get another pet; not to make you forget Maggie, but to share your love. Also, always remember, it will die before you. But that is not for everyone. Do that when you are ready.
However, apologise to your wife NOW! Not apologising keeps the gloom in the air. Apologising lets everyone move on and forget about it.
Not trying to be harsh or sound like a Nun, but good outcome is going to come from discussing your deepest concerns and regrets in a "pub". Mixing alcohol into any situation like this is a recipe that sort of guarantees the situation you are suffering. Having this discussion in public, and you have strayed into the area of irrational antagonism. I totally feel your pain. I don't think I will ever stop mourning some of my pets. I'm sure your Wife is still mourning your Dog's passing in her own way. Taking this unfortunate situation into the realm you have is in no way helpful or healing to anyone involved. I agree with others that saving a shelter dog is a great way to honor Maggie. In any event, I feel for you both hope time brings you the peace in this matter that you are seeking.
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