My Grieving for a Pet Loss Gone Too Far?

[Neuling]

Gee, that sounds awful. Your remote living doesn't help, either. Living like that and not having kids makes you focus and depend too much on the few souls you have there, which can be a huge pressure on them. You got to spread your love around like you got to spread risks Replacing children with pets is not a good idea, sorry to say that. Pets should never be more than "additional friends" to put it this way.

11 years is a good age for a dog, many don't live as long, and they are not meant to, they are not humans or elephants. It doesn't have anything to do with the food. Just like one can't say it was the food when a human dies at 80 or 90.

A couple of years ago my friend's dog died, she was 12 or 13 years, also died from a cancer. With pets cancer often pops up and worsens very rapidly. My friend also suffered for a while as she was 23 or 24 at that time, i.e. she was a child when she got the puppy and they grew up together so to speak. The doctor had to put the dog down and she held her in her arms as she died. But being Latin American, she is a social person and soon got over it, which is not at all to say she is superficial or did not love her dog, quite to the contrary. She is simply used to coping with whatever life throws at her. She is rather wise for her age, always has been. Death is a part of life, and she knows how to deal with it. I guess it would make sense for you to "get used to" the idea of death, not just with pets.

I am not so sure it is a good idea to get a replacement pet as long as you have not gotten over your dog.

[Sarahsez]

You need a diversion in your life. Your focus on Maggie has gone too far. I'm not sure another pet at this time is the right idea for you. Right now, you'd think of that other pet as taking Maggie's place. What you need is another hobby. If you want something pet related, you could foster another pet. I have school age kids. We got our cat from the cat rescue. The lady helping us told us if we ever wanted our children to witness the miracle of kittens, we should ask to foster a pregnant mother cat. If you fostered, you could help out some other pets. It wouldn't be a permanent situation for you if you aren't ready for a new pet. If a pet isn't in the cards, maybe you could take a trip or develop a new hobby.

[tamiznluv]

I'm seeing this…OP did not choose Maggie. She was thrust upon him by wife. Maybe he had never had a dog or any pet, for that matter. I knew a co-worker whose children grew up without any pets. Not even a gold fish! To me that is so sad. Never learning about unconditional love.

So OP learns to love Maggie, then she dies. OP is devastated. "Blames" wife because she "made this happen" by bringing Maggie home to begin with.

I don't think any amount of suggesting about rescuing is going to sway OP. He has closed his mind and his heart. I'd suggest letting him go his un-merry way and be miserable. We are posting to the wind. He asked a question and we have answered, along with most everyone's suggestions.We all seem to be of one mind. He rejects our experiences and "knowledge". So, OP, continue to wallow in your misery. I do not feel sorry for you anymore.

[meengla]

Thank you all for your input. And please accept my heartfelt condolence for your own losses.

I think what @NewNorthMainer says in this thread comes closest to my heart and mind. And I am going to take my time to move on.

I most certainly don't need a therapist! I am happily married, gainfully employed, and though the social scene is curtailed it has not totally vanished. Slowness in dealing with the loss is not going to translate into ruined life and ruined marriage. It is possible the old me may never resurface but a more somber outlook on life and more reflective outlook on life is not necessarily a bad thing.

[Fiona13]

I am sorry for your loss. Last year I had to put my 15 year old cat to sleep. It was very sad and he was a big part of the family. Sadly, cats and dogs have a short lifespan compared to their human companions.

I did get a kitten and it didn't replace his memory but did help me get over the sadness. I still think of and remember my black cat. The new cat is Siamese and very different in personality. But taking care of him gave me something to do and another place to transfer my cat mom tendencies. I still think of my other cat and miss him and I know in another 15-20 years, the Siamese will be old and I will have to go through this again. That is just part of having a pet.

I hope you can find a way to get past this grief. If you are not ready to get another pet, maybe volunteering at a shelter would be good. It will give a chance to get out and be with other animals and people. The isolation is probably adding to your difficulty in dealing with grief.

[Neuling]

Well, he doesn't behave that way on purpose. He probably is caught in his thoughts and feelings like in a maze. Reason can only achieve so much in such a situation.
Talking to us here may be important to him since he lives in a remote place. We are his counseling

[meengla]

Originally Posted by tamiznluv

I'm seeing this…OP did not choose Maggie. She was thrust upon him by wife. Maybe he had never had a dog or any pet, for that matter. I knew a co-worker whose children grew up without any pets. Not even a gold fish! To me that is so sad. Never learning about unconditional love.

So OP learns to love Maggie, then she dies. OP is devastated. "Blames" wife because she "made this happen" by bringing Maggie home to begin with.

You are correct here. Except I don't 'blame' my wife anymore. And I learned plenty about unconditional love, about a 'family' by having Maggie.

But as to rest of your post...no, regardless of how many people tell me what to do I am going to do what I think would be right, and at the right time in coordination with my wife. Either I am going to follow @NewNorthMainer's path or not remains to be seen. But it will not be a dysfunctional life either way.

And I didn't come here to be pitied upon. We can remain civilized and non-patronizing and realize everyone is different.

[dbsteel]

Ya.... you are going way too far. I've had two dogs pass, and while it is very sad, that's the deal with dogs. Adopting another will take the sting away some.

[kelly237]

I think all that you wrote is a sign that some counseling could improve your life..


A resilient and emotionally heathy person grieves any loss (death , empty nest, divorce)
but then moves on with their life..
A therapist could help you with whatever is preventing you from accepting this loss..

[ashleynj]

Originally Posted by meengla

About 10 months ago we (wife and I) lost our dog Maggie. We are voluntarily 'child free'. We live in relative isolation--no neighbors. So for many years our lives revolved around Maggie. She was our daughter. I won't go as far as to say she would be like our biological daughter but pretty close.

After her loss I have mostly restricted myself to be within myself. The old me--ready to make new friends and ready to make plans with friends--is still unable to reach out to people. There is even some rudeness or at least antipathy toward friends--sort of like 'Couldn't care less' or 'take it or leave it' while making plans.

We are unwilling to replace Maggie. Her toys are still in our living room. We watch her photos and videos almost on daily basis. Visit her grave in our backyard often. Her bed is still on our bedroom floor--though she would almost always sleep with us on our bed.

We--especially I--are inconsolable. It may seem odd to a lot of people here about a pet but we just are. I am unwilling to replace her memories by adopting another dog. I think that will happen if we get another dog. And I also want to, philosophically, fully 'digest' the sense of the loss and ponder the larger issues of life through the loss.

While I have subtly blamed my wife for feeding her processed dog food (you know, Purina etc) leading to Maggie's death last night I crossed the line and blamed her in front of some strangers in a pub. I was rightly chided by the strangers. Wife and I could barely choke our tears. I was wrong. She knows that and she knows I know it. But I have yet to apologize to her for the last night--fearing it will cause a new flare up. I probably will.

Question: Have I gone too far in mourning? Is it okay to stay in grieving as long as it takes?

I am so sorry for your loss. My pets are my babies, and I think for some people that is hard to understand. They give us the kind of love that is hard to find.

We go through stages when we grieve, so what you are going through is not unusual, but maybe you can find some comfort reaching out to a pet loss support group or counselor. I am not sure where you are from, but I know of one vet hospital that offers this service. I am pretty sure you can talk to this counselor over the phone. Send me a message (I will be on later tonight), and I can give you the name of the place.

I think about the pets I have lost, even the ones that have passed on years ago, but I have adopted others since. I never think of it as replacing anyone, since that would be impossible, but I figure if I have the room and means to help a sick homeless dog or cat then that is what I need to do. I also think that the ones that are no longer with me would want me to do this. I also like the idea of when I pass on I will have all those critters greeting me to welcome me and it will be wonderful to spend eternity with them all. The more the merrier!