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Grief is different for everyone. No right or wrong, really there isn't. If someone thinks your grief is "abnormal" I'd can say that they have no clue. When you love a person or a pet, it's love. One emotion--love. In fact, many people love their pets more than people. This is not uncommon. So, to think your love is "less worthy" because it was an animal is maybe their reality. But, it isn't yours. I'd say just give yourself time and space to grieve. If you do it fully, in your own way, it will change into something more manageable and livable.
We all have a variety of different relationships, and different ways of experiencing loss. For those who say, "It's a dog, not a child," there is of course some sense to it. If a parent loses a child, it is not just the immediacy of the loss, it is the loss of the future, of all hope for a relationship lasting the rest of one's life. That must be so devastating I can't fathom it. But that doesn't mean we love our pets any less, just because we don't expect to have a long future with them. Recent research has shown that the brain area involved with emotions for one's pets is exactly the same as where emotions for one's own children reside. So it is really no wonder that some of us love our pets and think of them as our "kids." I think perhaps we need to invent a legitimate, non-sentimental term for household pets as family members. "Furbaby" doesn't really do it for me...and "interspecies family member" is a little too clinical...
We all have a variety of different relationships, and different ways of experiencing loss. For those who say, "It's a dog, not a child," there is of course some sense to it. If a parent loses a child, it is not just the immediacy of the loss, it is the loss of the future, of all hope for a relationship lasting the rest of one's life. That must be so devastating I can't fathom it. But that doesn't mean we love our pets any less, just because we don't expect to have a long future with them. Recent research has shown that the brain area involved with emotions for one's pets is exactly the same as where emotions for one's own children reside. So it is really no wonder that some of us love our pets and think of them as our "kids." I think perhaps we need to invent a legitimate, non-sentimental term for household pets as family members. "Furbaby" doesn't really do it for me...and "interspecies family member" is a little too clinical...
I am sure the same brain area is involved when I hug my teddy bear
Regarding the term "unconditional love", which has been mentioned a couple of times, I don't think it exists. Usually love IS conditional, and when the feeling becomes unconditional, it ceases to be love, but becomes something else, like obsession, dependence, etc.
Let me give a little bit more info on the Friday night scene: As in appropriate as I was that was not a Jerry Springer scene. I said something wrong and was chided. I quietly accepted the indignation with my head lowered. The 'humiliation' was mostly and justifiably mine.
As to Maggie, she died 11 years of age; probable cause some tumor in her belly. She was eaten up within 3 weeks of first symptoms and it was my darn hands who had to sign off on the euthanasia form--the wife wouldn't sign that. But of course I can't blame my wife for the death. She did strictly control Maggie's diet and disregarded my (and my mother in law's advice) to not feed processed food but I CANNOT rationally blame the wife. Maybe, in grief, some of us can try to look for 'blame' in wrong way.
Anyway, we had a very gloomy, quiet weekend, with both buried in our books and computers. But last night I hugged her, apologized and told her that she could not be blamed for the loss of Maggie. She replied: "I did whatever I could for her."
As to adopting another dog, that is out of question for now.
First, I'm very sorry for the loss of your dog and I understand that it was a grievous loss.
I'm glad that you apologized to your wife as she had nothing to do with Maggie's death. Please do your best to refrain from ever doing that again and don't let your MIL blame her either. Your wife is grieving as much as you are.
Of course, everyone grieves differently and it takes time to put such a loss in perspective. But it's been 10 months now. Because you ask whether your grieving has gone too far, I suspect that you think it might have. You need to ask yourself where you see this grief process headed? Do you think you'll spend the rest of your life as sad as you have been for the past 10 months? Or do you see yourself moving on and opening your heart to another companion animal someday? How do you want to feel about the loss in the coming months?
Sometimes I think people become so comfortable in their grief that they almost don't want to give it up. I'm not saying that's where you are, because I have no idea, but it's a question you might want to ask yourself.
You are correct here. Except I don't 'blame' my wife anymore. And I learned plenty about unconditional love, about a 'family' by having Maggie.
But as to rest of your post...no, regardless of how many people tell me what to do I am going to do what I think would be right, and at the right time in coordination with my wife. Either I am going to follow @NewNorthMainer's path or not remains to be seen. But it will not be a dysfunctional life either way.
And I didn't come here to be pitied upon. We can remain civilized and non-patronizing and realize everyone is different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashleynj
so what you are going through is not unusual,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neuling
Regarding the term "unconditional love", which has been mentioned a couple of times, I don't think it exists. Usually love IS conditional, and when the feeling becomes unconditional, it ceases tonight be love, but becomes something else, like obsession, dependence, etc.
Yes, you did. You knew people would feel sorry for you. Especially we who have gone through this. I was civilized.
Yes it is. 10 months of unstoppable grief IS unusual. Sounds like the OP hasn't moved past the first stage.
Unconditional love IS what you get from pets, especially dogs. You treat them like a part of the "pack" and they ARE part of your pack. All those examples are from HUMANS. A dog has NONE of those emotions. They have hunger, protection, territory, fear and love. Even an abused dog may love it's abuser although it's probably fear.
My fiance and I are also childless, and our two kitties were our babies. The younger of the two brothers died a few months ago at the young age of 2. He was barely out of being a kitten, I felt. I remember he was sick the night before, and thought he had a kitty flu or something. I told myself I'd take him to the vet the next day if he wasn't better when I came home from lunch to check on him. I came home...and he was gone.
I blame myself every day for not taking him to the vet sooner, even though there's no way to know if he would have been saved. It still hurts every time I see the spot on the floor where I found him...
My fiance was out of town at the time, too, so I feel it was my responsibility to care for him, and I let them both down.
Although I've been kicking myself hard over this, never once did my fiance lay blame on me. I thank him so much for that.
No matter how much you want to blame your wife, I'm sure she's already done it a thousand times over. She needs your support and love, too.
As far as "too long" or "too much"? Do people put limits on love? Seems strange when you think about it that way.
Yes, I think the outburst in public was too much, but I would probably think that regardless of the subject.
Yes, I think watching the videos over and over are too much at this point. They help anchor you to the grief.
I would suggest making a very small physical shrine if you wish to have Maggie's memory preserved. Clear the toys, the bed, and everything except one or two small tokens of her. You'll always have her memory in your heart, and you don't need the physical objects lying around to remind you of the loss. Personally, my "shrines" are tucked away in my desk drawer, always at hand. I have a little ziploc bag with my kitty baby's hair and an online photo site (should I choose to browse it and have a good cry). I also have a little enameled box that belonged to my father that my mother gave me when he passed. I like to give them a little pet when I want to connect with their memories.
I am sorry for your loss and hope you can internalize your grief and support your wife.
Also, as a thought: my fiance and I had a very nice time visiting the local shelter and just watching all the cats and kittens at play. It's a wonder we didn't adopt them all. We went by there with our kitty's unused food and misc other items (I put my surviving cat on a special diet from the vet as a preventative measure).
Yes, you did. You knew people would feel sorry for you. Especially we who have gone through this. I was civilized.
Yes it is. 10 months of unstoppable grief IS unusual. Sounds like the OP hasn't moved past the first stage.
Unconditional love IS what you get from pets, especially dogs. You treat them like a part of the "pack" and they ARE part of your pack. All those examples are from HUMANS. A dog has NONE of those emotions. They have hunger, protection, territory, fear and love. Even an abused dog may love it's abuser although it's probably fear.
Where did the "tonight" come from? I did not write what you quoted
Exactly, it is not love anymore, it can be all kinds of feelings. Loyalty and dependence come close to what pets feel. After all, the owner is usually the sun the pet revolves around.
As to adopting another dog, that is out of question for now.
God Bless You, meengla. For some reason, reading your posts, writing my responses, studying others' responses, I kept thinking of the William Ernest Henley poem, "Invictus":
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
You are the captain of your soul, meengla. Only you will know how to react to Maggie's death. And to quote Jason Aldean, "The Only Way I Know": "Don't back up, don't back down."
Mourn as long as you want, as hard as you want, as politically incorrect, socially unacceptable, totally unproductive, and as ridiculously selfishly as you want. THAT, my friends, is what we all do anyway.
If you want to continue to grieve, live in isolation, drive away friends, blame your wife and let it drive a wedge in your marriage then go for it..have at it..
None of this is normal so if you want to get past it and life an emotionally healthy life then get help..
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