From Hero to Zero: Former Caregiver

[otterhere]

(cross-posting from caregiving, for those who can relate)

I once had a life (no, really); family and friends and companions who shared my many hobbies and a fiancé and coworkers and -- you know -- a life. Then I gradually began caring for my aged, ailing mother (my choice entirely, and I don't regret a minute of it) and, after a few years of that, pretty much everyone had abandoned ship. The only thing I didn't lose was my job, even though I took an extended LOA during Mom's final illness, to care for her at home 24/7 for months. Unfortunately, I hate my job (although I'm happy to still have it). As a result, I now find myself STUCK with no life. I can't retire for a few years yet, can't sell Mom's house (it's on the market, but no interest so far , and the neighborhood "went down" while I was busy with other things), can't get over my former friends leaving me in the lurch, can't fit back into my old busy life (I've changed, and my interests are not the same), and too depressed by the whole situation to build a new life. It's not really possible in this small town anyway (I'd have moved to a large city long ago if I'd had my druthers). You might think that caring for my mother -- which everyone today considers sheer insanity-- "ruined" my life, but it was actually the best thing I ever did and a blessing. I did a great thing... I amazed myself; saved Mom's bacon; and felt more alive, engaged, competent, and valuable than ever before and certainly since. But the fact that no one including my own family supported, understood, or validated that choice and that those same people have virtually forgotten me ever since has ruined my life. Let me clarify again: it's not my mother or caring for my mother that ruined my life; it's the lack of social support during and, even more so, after that has "undone" me. Not only have I lost my beloved mother, to whom I always close and who, at this point, had become my whole world, I've also lost my identity as a caregiver, my purpose, my meaning, my source of feeling capable and confident, and all of my friends and family in the process. Am I depressed? Who wouldn't be! This society is so clueless when it comes to old age, death, mourning, and being supportive -- not just for a day, but in the weeks, months, and years that follow. Has anyone else experienced an "existential crisis" following such a loss?

[breeinmo.]

I think you did an amazing thing also. I'm so sorry for your loss. Any friend that left during that time was no true friend anyway. I met my bestie while taking care of my mom, and she's still my best friend to this day after mom passed in 09'. I also had family take a hike, but that was so they wouldn't have to help. You did what was best for your mom and your heart, so now its time to put yourself 1st. I wish you luck and happiness.

[smilinpretty]

My husband and I were together for 38 years and I had little support. I virtually have no family on my side and his family lived 2000 miles away. I pretty much felt lost after being a care-giver for 7 1/2 years. I have had to find a whole new identity and role. I am receiving counseling to get out of the "stuck feeling" I have. I am making new acquaintances but making quote, "friends" is hard. Life starting over when you are in your 60's is very hard.

[hothulamaui]

your mom was lucky to have a daughter who cared so much, as you were to have her in your life. can you move somewhere that you have always wanted to go? take early retirement? lower the price of the house and go. perhaps a del webb community for active people over 55?

[cynwldkat]

Well you know smilinpretty you and I are in the same boat. I was thinking about it today--kinda snickering at the commercial "where's Sarah (or some name)" she's out in the corn field with us. Now how's she suppose to meet anyone out there? Ha! Not that I have any intentions of "meeting" someone but having company would be nice. A friend, companion, just someone to hug and talk to. Not sure how you go about finding that. There are a lucky few that meet people and become friends and do things together but it's difficult. Well my wonderful neighbor did go to WalMart with me and find me a good camera that even I can figure out. So tomorrow is an all-day party at church so I'm off to bed. Oh guess what??? I just had about 22 people from our church come caroling on my front porch. Brought tears to my eyes. They sang about 5 different songs. They went to my neighbors house who has ALS and then here. I saw all these flashlights coming up across my front yard--t was so cool! I am so blessed! :-)

[jbgusa]

Originally Posted by otterhere

(cross-posting from caregiving, for those who can relate)

Who wouldn't be! This society is so clueless when it comes to old age, death, mourning, and being supportive -- not just for a day, but in the weeks, months, and years that follow. Has anyone else experienced an "existential crisis" following such a loss?

Reach out for your formerly closes one or two friends, try to rekindle friendship and candidly discuss your needs.

[HollyhockGarden]

Hello Otterhere -- I just wanted to say "Hello" and "Good Morning"; it's still morning here! First, I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom. She is with you though, just in a different way. I am probably about your age and I am caretaking for my mom too, right now. She will be 95 next month.
I would not give up on your girlfriends yet. If you have known them for years, it is not unusual for a lull to occur and you will likely be able to pick up again and start doing more things as friends. Even if your interests have changed, you may be able to start enjoying some of the same things again once you are out and about a bit more. And new things too. So what happened to the fiancé? Is he still single? Possibly you could call him up and ask him if he'd like to go for a hike and maybe out for a coffee afterward? Or maybe ask his mom or sister, if you were close. They are female and may understand better the situation you are in. Or check out Match.com - people do meet on there! Can you sign up for some type of night school class? Painting? Or maybe a choir? How about getting a dog from the Humane Society? You will see the neighbors more and have a companion who needs a home. What about a grief support group or a church? They have activities too. It is hard, but I think you have to stick your neck out a bit to let people know you are not as busy anymore and you are looking for some activities. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing! There are good people out there but sometimes you do have to take those first few steps. Knock at the door of life.

[BeauCharles]

Completely understand your situation. I'm 54 and moved to this small town from the coast of California due to health issues in 2008 (family is here). Mom is 87 now and back then she was still pretty active - did her own shopping, went to the senior center, cleaned her own house. Over this six years things change dramatically. She's pretty much crippled with arthritic knees and back and moved into my house in 2010. She just had a small heart attack Sunday morning (her first sign of cardiac disease). Basically, the handwriting is on the wall. I know that its likely that within a few years at most she'll be gone and I'll need to figure out what to do. I don't have a spouse or kids and my sisters are 12 and 15 years older than me. I'll have them and my nieces and nephews to visit here and there, but I'm not terribly close to them (pretty much see them on holidays). I never established a "life" here between my disability and my caring for my mom, and my old circle of friends and of course my former job 250 miles away on the coast are ancient history. It's going to be terribly difficult to start totally from scratch. The worst part is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[otterhere]

At least you're mentally prepared; I was silly enough to think my friends would still be waiting for me and I could put on my old life like a favorite pair of sweats. I found out it doesn't work that way! And, I hate to tell you, but... The worst part is WHEN the other shoe drops. If a shoe drops in a forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?

[BeauCharles]

Originally Posted by otterhere

The worst part is WHEN the other shoe drops. If a shoe drops in a forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?

Well, she's in the hospital right now, so its a pretty quiet house and I'm trying to find things to do to keep my mind off things (it doesn't work). Just a little insight for what's to come permanently some day.