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I was in a similar position with a former employee and neighbourhood friend who died penniless, and whose older parents were burdened with debt from her illness. So, I don't think you are being callous. You are right not to spend money you don't have, or let someone assume that you will be giving some large amount into the kitty.
I really don't see any other way than your husband biting the bullet, and telling the sister in charge what he can afford to give before she begins to make arrangements quickly when the time comes.
I agree that your husband should tell his sister that he is willing to pay his fair share (the total amount of the costs divided by the number of siblings) to a maximum of so many dollars.
If she knows in advance she won't buy the most expensive casket in the place and may even agree to a cremation. If she thinks that you will pay for the whole thing than the less expensive funeral may turn into a Hollywood extravaganza.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-18-2014 at 03:58 PM..
MIL passed away today at 1 pm. My dh went to Houston to help with arrangements, I stayed behind with the kids, its finals week. I told him whatever, don't sign anything unless he read it, the image me a copy first. I've heard of such "family affairs" where one family member signs up for the whole 9 yards, without a thought as to who is going to pay for it. Then, another family member signs some papers, not knowing wth they are signing, then, they are stuck with the bill.
I don't want to sound cold and calculating, but hey....someone has to. We're not shelling out more for MIL than we would pay for ourselves. We already bought niches, and have $10000 final expense policies for a simple cremation and perhaps small service for ourselves. I remember going to a funeral that had a bagpipe player, a flute player.....please I had sympathy for the deceased, but it honestly was way over the top. If I were the family, I would want more privacy at such a time. Many times funerals turn out to be social events, with the lunch and all.
The way I figure it, MIL doesn't need/deserve anything more than what dh and I will provide for ourselves. Its too bad we didn't take out a policy on MIL, we could have, but why should we pay the premiums when she was taking 2 cruises/year? Well, the only concern I have now is dh feelings. I don't want him to feel shortchanged by not having a "proper" funeral, like I did for my parents. don't forget, my parents made provisions to pay for the whole thing, they didn't just say "that's your problem" BTW, that's what MIL told me when I asked her about life insurance, she said she had cashed in her policies, might as well enjoy her money. I asked about final expenses, she just sneered and said "that's your problem" Oh, no, its not!
Just wondering---what do the poor do? People die, not just those with means. What about those truly indigent? Probably the govt picks it up, otherwise there'd be dead bodies all over the place
MIL passed away today at 1 pm. My dh went to Houston to help with arrangements, I stayed behind with the kids, its finals week. I told him whatever, don't sign anything unless he read it, the image me a copy first. I've heard of such "family affairs" where one family member signs up for the whole 9 yards, without a thought as to who is going to pay for it. Then, another family member signs some papers, not knowing wth they are signing, then, they are stuck with the bill.
I don't want to sound cold and calculating, but hey....someone has to. We're not shelling out more for MIL than we would pay for ourselves. We already bought niches, and have $10000 final expense policies for a simple cremation and perhaps small service for ourselves. I remember going to a funeral that had a bagpipe player, a flute player.....please I had sympathy for the deceased, but it honestly was way over the top. If I were the family, I would want more privacy at such a time. Many times funerals turn out to be social events, with the lunch and all.
The way I figure it, MIL doesn't need/deserve anything more than what dh and I will provide for ourselves. Its too bad we didn't take out a policy on MIL, we could have, but why should we pay the premiums when she was taking 2 cruises/year? Well, the only concern I have now is dh feelings. I don't want him to feel shortchanged by not having a "proper" funeral, like I did for my parents. don't forget, my parents made provisions to pay for the whole thing, they didn't just say "that's your problem" BTW, that's what MIL told me when I asked her about life insurance, she said she had cashed in her policies, might as well enjoy her money. I asked about final expenses, she just sneered and said "that's your problem" Oh, no, its not!
I am sorry for your loss.
I was confused by your first post. Are there only two siblings to share the cost or are there "four to six"? That makes a huge deal.
Obviously your MIL did not care what her funeral would be like if she not only did not plan it & prepay it but used her life insurance policies on herself (rather than leaving some money to her children to allow them to pay for her funeral).
Sorry for your loss!! If there are other siblings ask them to pitch in about 200 bucks to help with the cremation. No need to buy an urn (do you know a place your MIL would like her ashes spread?) IF the family wants to gather, maybe a small dinner for just immediate family at a restaurant where everyone can share their stories of your MIL, everyone picks up their own tab. It’s simple and less expensive.
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
MIL passed away today at 1 pm. My dh went to Houston to help with arrangements, I stayed behind with the kids, its finals week. I told him whatever, don't sign anything unless he read it, the image me a copy first. I've heard of such "family affairs" where one family member signs up for the whole 9 yards, without a thought as to who is going to pay for it. Then, another family member signs some papers, not knowing wth they are signing, then, they are stuck with the bill.
I don't want to sound cold and calculating, but hey....someone has to. We're not shelling out more for MIL than we would pay for ourselves. We already bought niches, and have $10000 final expense policies for a simple cremation and perhaps small service for ourselves. I remember going to a funeral that had a bagpipe player, a flute player.....please I had sympathy for the deceased, but it honestly was way over the top. If I were the family, I would want more privacy at such a time. Many times funerals turn out to be social events, with the lunch and all.
The way I figure it, MIL doesn't need/deserve anything more than what dh and I will provide for ourselves. Its too bad we didn't take out a policy on MIL, we could have, but why should we pay the premiums when she was taking 2 cruises/year? Well, the only concern I have now is dh feelings. I don't want him to feel shortchanged by not having a "proper" funeral, like I did for my parents. don't forget, my parents made provisions to pay for the whole thing, they didn't just say "that's your problem" BTW, that's what MIL told me when I asked her about life insurance, she said she had cashed in her policies, might as well enjoy her money. I asked about final expenses, she just sneered and said "that's your problem" Oh, no, its not!
Funerals don't have to be expensive events, at all.
I think most states allow one to bury a urn in an existing family member's plot. So your MIL could be buried in an urn or container in the same plot as her husband.
You can have a gathering at the funeral home's chapel, or you can have a graveside service with a minister officiating and family members.
More and more folks are opting for graveside services these days and it is not uncommon to bury an urn in the other spouse's burial plot.
There is no reason to have a wake or "viewing" if a person is cremated.
People can keep this as simple as they wish.
I think you are very wise. I was only 12 when my grandmother died, but I will never forget how everyone in the family (siblings) were in agreement on the service and expenses except for one sister, who insisted that the coffin should be covered with sprays of red roses. She actually went into a rage (she was bipolar and rages were her way of controlling everyone around her) and so to calm her down, they just went along with her demand. As it turned out, that elaborate amount of roses ended up costing nearly as much as the coffin.
And wouldn't you know, when it came time to divide the bill, this particular sibling refused to pay a penny! She never paid one cent. Needless to say, it caused hard feelings that lasted til death.
My Mom planned everything and prepaid for most of it. She updated the plans several times at the "undertaker" as she said. Her friends had almost all died, so not anyone who knew her well, came. Her casket was gold, her spray of yellow roses ($900) was gorgeous. But she outlived everyone she knew. She was 102. The entire funeral was $16000 and she had the money for all of it.
I did exactly as she wished. And when it was over and all the bills paid, I decided I would be cremated and the ashes strew over someplace serene. If the kids want to have a memorial service, fine. If not, that's ok too.
I was confused by your first post. Are there only two siblings to share the cost or are there "four to six"? That makes a huge deal.
Obviously your MIL did not care what her funeral would be like if she not only did not plan it & prepay it but used her life insurance policies on herself (rather than leaving some money to her children to allow them to pay for her funeral).
There would be 4-6 mourners at any type of service, me and dh, BIL and his wife, and, possibly, my two teens. That's how I came to the 4-6 figure. However, there are only two siblings to share the costs.
In my growing up years, funerals were always important. It was a final show of respect for one's family. Everyone pitched in with the money. I even found the receipt for my GF funeral in my Dad's Bible. He had the cost, divided by 8 siblings, and his money order stub for his portion. I just thought it was somewhat anal recordkeeping, until now when I realize how stinky family members can be. I will never know how it actually tallied up, but my Dad carried with him proof of doing his part. I still keep it, as a memento of sorts.
My m-grandfather paid for my grandmother's sister's funeral. Her sister died without much means, she lived with her son, who barely scraped by. When GF found out they were going to do what he called a "pauper's funeral" (whatever that means---he said we can't have that and paid for the funeral When her son received GF generous offer, he didn't go overboard. They had a simple service, and cremation. I don't know what happened to the ashes. GF said "you stay, you pay" whether it was your home, or your final resting place. Nothing's free, including death In return, as a thank-you, the son gave us an expensive vase that belonged to his mother. He said it was the last thing of value he had. I had it appraised at $4000, but I'm sure not selling it to bury MIL's bones
I am not really awash in grief, she wasn't my mother and we really weren't close, but I do feel for the situation, and for dh. I just don't want to get going on him about the costs and hurt him at this vunerable time.
Dh and I were at the doctor' when we were notified. I just received the diagnosis that my hip is severely arthritic and will need a hip replacement I the next 2-3 months. Talk about a double whammyAlso, I'm at the screaming level with pain and can't get any type of pain meds due to the new laws designed to prevent drug addicts from getting access. I can't even get pain management doctor to prescribe pain meds They only do injections, etc. Nothing is prescribed out of hospital. That's how it is now.
That's all our excess income right there----I do have Blue Cross and Medicare, but still, there's always bills insurance doesn't pay. Not to mention stuff like hiring housekeeping, etc. Sorry, but we don't have a rainy day fund for others! I have health problems, that's why I pay about $800/month for health insurance. Everyone knows they will die sometime that's why they should have life insurance or other means to bury them. We can't take care of ourselves and others, too If it were me, I'd sell her to the nearest medical school
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I had sympathy for the deceased, but it honestly was way over the top. If I were the family, I would want more privacy at such a time. Many times funerals turn out to be social events, with the lunch and all. 
In return, as a thank-you, the son gave us an expensive vase that belonged to his mother. He said it was the last thing of value he had. I had it appraised at $4000, but I'm sure not selling it to bury MIL's bones
They only do injections, etc. Nothing is prescribed out of hospital. That's how it is now. 
