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That is a ridiculous book. Sorry, but I never "got" the popularity of that book. My sons will never cradle me in a rocking chair.
Give me "Run Away Bunny" by Margaret Wise Brown and we can talk about love for our children. That is an excellent example of a Mother's love with excellent writing and illustrations.
Back to the topic....
Sorry I just don't get the son's Mother seeking all the attention.
I have no opinion on the chair. Have never seen a chair up with a coffin.
I have attended many funerals and have never seen a chair by the casket. Either the immediate family is standing by the casket to greet mourners or sitting on the front row of chairs (again, easy to be found by the mourners). Maybe the mother was trying to get extra attention and maybe she just sat down because she was too old to stand during the whole visitation or maybe in her family that is the tradition.
Regarding the shoes, in the funerals that I have helped arrange, the deceased just wore their usual clothes no one purchased new clothing, especially not shoes (that would not been seen in the casket). However, the bigger problem was talking about the purchase at the funeral.
Frankly, IMHO, a funeral is not the place for petty gossiping and complaining.
Every viewing or calling hours I've been to, the loved ones - parents/children/spouses - would line up next to the casket as a receiving line for visitors to express their condolences. When my grandmother died, there were something like 10 of us up there, but sometimes we'd take breaks and not all of us would be up there at once. I could totally see why an older woman would set up a chair.
As to the mother's behavior, well that's irrelevant. MY behavior is what concerns me. I wouldn't diss a woman sitting next to the corpse of her son. Because I don't want to be that kind of person. Take the high road. Especially at funerals.
I was in attendance at a funeral on Saturday and the mother of the deceased , placed a fold up chair by the casket and sat down right there in that chair , now mind you this was a grown man with a wife and small children . a lot of chatter started among those in attendance about how inappropriate the mother of the deceased's behavior was to put that chair there and sit right there . Now from what I heard from the deceased himself a while back , was that his mother did not treat him very well as a child and also heard from the ministers wife that the mother had stated that the deceased did not need shoes on because no one would see the feet .I know the widow did not have the money either since the deceased went without life insurance . Well the minister and his wife bought the pair of shoes to go on his feet . Had I known that I would purchased them for the deceased . And the thought that ran through my mind was she treated him in death as she did in life , also I thought the chair being put by the casket was a garner for sympathy and she did not even know half the people there because she did not make a point to know who her sons friends were . I paid my respects to the widow and the children and ignored the mother as I knew her as a person I did not like at all .Was the deceased's mothers behavior appropriate or
inappropriate in your opinion ? was my ignoring the mother inappropriate ? when I got home I asked my sister and she said maybe I had behaved badly by not saying anything to the mother .
I think the right thing for you to have done would have been to have offered the mother your sincere condolences and not concerned yourself with who was sitting next to the casket or why. Whatever the bad blood between her son and daughter in law is, its between them. Just because there was a rift between the deceased and his mother does not mean they did not love one another. All you needed to do was go the funeral and offer your condolances and keep your opinions about their situation to your self. Your opinion on their situation serves no useful purpose and is of no help to nobody. Their family issues are not your concern. I would not even talk about them to anybody because you will come across as busybody who spreads vicious gossip.
Last edited by Ivory Lee Spurlock; 05-12-2015 at 05:11 PM..
IMO, the shoes or lack of, are a non-issue. It is true, no one sees the feet of a person in a coffin.
The chair at the coffin is understandable. Even if the woman didn't treat her son well, she still loved him in her own way and as a mother, she HAS to be mourning the loss of her son. I just can't imagine losing a child, period. Terrible!
OP, you didn't have to say anything to the mother. It was your choice because you didn't know her anyways. A kind word spoken to her about her son would have been appropriate and possibly appreciated too.
I think you did just fine. Of course, you knew by posting it here that some would rake you over the coals, but so what? it's only words. When my husband died, his mother behaved as if she was the only one in pain. She worked hard to create trouble in our marriage and was a mother-in-law from Hell.
I think it was inappropriate. When one marries, your spouse becomes your immediate family. It sounds immature of the Mother to appear to look like she wants the full attention. Pretty sad.
I know when my sons marry, I become second to their wife and children.
As for the shoes...if no one is going to see the feet I don't know why shoes are needed.
Oh, hell no. If one of my kids (God forbid) were to pass away, I will absolutely be immediate family, I don't care what anyone else thinks. I gave birth to them, I had first "rights" to them, they are still mine in a way. Wife and children are also immediate family and they have "rights to them also. But no one will tell me it's not my place to sit near my child.
I also think, PhL, you should have offered condolences to the mother, regardless of where she was sitting, regardless of what the minister or funeral director told you about their conversation about shoes, regardless of what you think Mom and deceased's relationship was like..
That is a ridiculous book. Sorry, but I never "got" the popularity of that book. My sons will never cradle me in a rocking chair.
Give me "Run Away Bunny" by Margaret Wise Brown and we can talk about love for our children. That is an excellent example of a Mother's love with excellent writing and illustrations.
Back to the topic....
Sorry I just don't get the son's Mother seeking all the attention.
You are right...you just don't get it. Are you a mother?
Oh, hell no. If one of my kids (God forbid) were to pass away, I will absolutely be immediate family, I don't care what anyone else thinks. I gave birth to them, I had first "rights" to them, they are still mine in a way. Wife and children are also immediate family and they have "rights to them also. But no one will tell me it's not my place to sit near my child.
I also think, PhL, you should have offered condolences to the mother, regardless of where she was sitting, regardless of what the minister or funeral director told you about their conversation about shoes, regardless of what you think Mom and deceased's relationship was like..
ABSOLUTELY!! Agree 110% and repped.
When DH died, MIL helped me plan the funeral. I valued and accepted her input, as she did mine. He was my DH, but he never stopped being her son. She (and FIL) grieved the loss as much as I did. A woman does not stop being a mother just because her son gets married.
Shoes are a NON-ISSUE. Who the he l l cares about shoes in a casket? What a dumb topic of conversation that was.
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