attending fathers funeral or not

[bassetluv]

Okay, I'm responding late (I see that you, OP, decided not to go in the end) but just wanted to add that my son went through a similar dilemma a few years ago. My son was in his mid-20s when his father died; his dad had barely been in his life, with the exception of some infrequent interaction on weekends when he (my son) was a young boy. His dad and I had separated a few months before my son was born, and for the first 4 years his dad - who was supposed to have my son every weekend - sometimes showed up to pick him up, but for the most part, often bailed without a word. He very rarely acknowledged holidays, didn't acknowledge my son's birthdays, yet he and his second wife adopted a young child when my son was still a baby and doted on the adopted son, giving him lavish gifts and all of his attention. Needless to say, my son grew up feeling very torn about his dad, and he also developed a bit of self-hatred (unbeknownst to me for several years), blaming himself for his dad's lack of presence...my son, typical of many children who has a parent that abandons them, felt he must be unloveable if his own father didn't care about him.

When his dad had a recurrence of cancer and became terminally ill, my son found out about it about two weeks before his dad actually died. We were living about 1200 miles away by then, and my son was just entering final exams in college when his stepmother sent him an email saying that "your father is dying and doesn't have much time left...just thought you should know". My son became very torn over what to do...should he go and visit him before he died, and miss his exams, or should he dismiss him altogether on the basis that his father hadn't earned his love? He felt a lot of inner hatred toward his dad, yet also still felt some father/son love. He asked his friends what he should do; some of them told him that his father was an SOB who didn't deserve his attention, while others said, "It's your dad...you owe it to him to go".

Finally my son called me, in tears, asking what he should do. I told him not to listen to what others had to say...only he would know what was best for himself. If he chose to go and visit his dad, perhaps it would give him some closure on all of the pain that he'd been feeling; if he chose to remain at school, he should do so if he felt that he truly did not want to see his father because of all the pain and torment he'd gone through for years. But either way, I told him that in whatever he decided, there was no right or wrong....nothing was 'owed'. I did suggest that one other option could be that he stay in long distance contact with his dad for whatever time he had left, calling him at the hospital and seeing how he was doing. But ultimately, whatever he decided should be whatever he felt most comfortable in doing.

In the end my son decided that remaining in contact via telephone with his father - not cutting him off, but not totally ignoring him - would be best. And for the next week and a half he did so...and ultimately, my son was able to not only forgive his father for not being there for him, but more importantly, he was able to let go of the self-blame he'd been carrying for so many years, thinking that he was the cause of his father's rejection.

There is no one easy answer when dealing with an estranged parent, upon either saying goodbye to them in person or after the fact, at a funeral. What one chooses to do is completely up to that person, and no one can say, "You need to do this because..." Ultimately, it is an entirely personal decision, and no one can dictate what is right or wrong in the circumstance, except for the person who is making the decision.

[cindersslipper]

I wanted to go to my dads funeral, tried everything in fact, even though he was a fairly bad father.

I'd let my passport run out though, and could not renew in time.

Turns out, just as well I didn't go. All his siblings literally appeared out of nowhere and stripped his belongings out of his partners house, while she stood silently watching.

They were horrid people and I would've made a scene of some sort, had I been aware and upset and in their presence.

It would've been a quiet scene but I probably would've said things I immediately regretted - like lecturing a pile of snakes. Utterly pointless.

My mother however, is under the "only the good die young" heading, and I am quite sure she will outlive me. She's just turned 80 and is busy flipping properties and touring about overseas - not an ill day in her life.

I WILL NOT be going to her funeral, when and if it ever occurs. Reasons - as above.

And I do not feel one bit guilty about it, either.

[many states]

I totally understand. Personally, I don't believe in funerals and refuse to have one. You can see and make peace to feel no guilt outside of a funeral. Take the time alone. I feel if they can't make time when alive, don't come because I'm dead. It is a time for you to grieve. It is a time of respect. Do what is right for you and your dad, you have nobody else to please. Who cares what others think. It's a matter between you and your dad. Harsh and bitter feelings I'm sure is not a part of that.