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Well today is my 28 the wedding anniversary, my wife passed away on nov 22 this year. I got out of the earlier today but then came home and watched Sophia's choice. Didn't really feel like doing much, oh I quit smoking today. I had started back in August so I used today as a great day to remember when I quit smoking. Now I need to see how xmas will go.
Our sympathies for your tremendous loss. We wish you many blessings.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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My husband died suddenly while I was out of town on Oct. 26, 2009. We had been married since March of 1973. Eight days later would have been his 60th birthday, then two weeks after that, Thanksgiving, then two weeks later, my birthday, and two weeks later, Christmas. I was shell shocked for at least the first year. Since his death was completely unanticipated, he didn't have a current will, (the irony is that he was an Estate attorney) and there was a lot of quarreling among the (adult) children as to who would get what. (News flash, kids ~~ I'm still alive and I'm the heir)
After the first year when I was settling the estate, closing out his law practice, selling the family home and moving to what was supposed to be our retirement condo in Tucson, I finally fell apart and had a complete emotional breakdown over what was our 2nd holidays without him. Our first holidays were only a couple of weeks after he died, and I was alone (with the exception of my youngest son), so it was so somber and morose, I drank several spiked egg nogs, had a Hungry Man Turkey TV Dinner and called it a night. We were alone again, a month later when Christmas arrived. I managed to get a few gift cards in the mail for kids and grandkids, imbibed on eggnog and went to bed. I was so angry that my husband died, and deeply hurt that the kids didn't even try to spend the holidays with me (nor did anyone else in the family). I had a lot of anger and resentment that built up, and it exploded during the 2nd holidays alone.
After that dramatic and tear filled holiday 14 months after he died, I decided I needed to pull myself together and decided to venture out of my condo. I was also grieving for the loss of the family home after 33 years. It was deep in the mountains on eight acres of land and a breathtaking view of Pikes Peak, and here I was in a concrete jungle of sorts where the AC ran 24/7 for 8 months. I missed the fresh air at night I slowly met people, got involved in my homeowner's association and started sewing again. Considering I was drop kicked out of my home to a condo in a town I'd never lived in, in a complex where I knew no one, I made pretty good forward progress during year two. Each year it got easier. I settled in and forged an existence. Not really a life, but an existence.
I'm still not thrilled about living in Tucson in the summer...too hot, humid, too many bugs, no one around (snowbirds go back north and college kids go home for the summer), so I try to get to my sister-in-law's up in Denver for a couple of weeks every summer. I spent last Christmas in Memphis with my oldest and her family, and my in-laws will be here for Christmas this year. Just my son and me for Thanksgiving, but after six years, we're getting the rhythm down... My son has established himself in his apartment near the University of Arizona, and is doing well. I'm plugging along, learning to budget money, living alone and liking it, cooking for one, entertaining once a year or so, but I'm basically a homebody with only two or three acquaintances, no close friends. It's very lonely at times, and even after six years, the tears still flow, but most of the time, I like being by myself. I've become a really good hermit!! I have joined a Book Club here in my condo community and have gotten involved in a couple of committees. I miss my beautiful home in the mountains in Colorado, but I know it wouldn't have been a good choice to stay there. As I get older, I can see that being on the 2nd floor and having to carry groceries and packages upstairs is going to become a huge problem soon, so I'm probably going to be house hunting in a year or so, which I'm not looking forward to...something on a main level, probably a single family home in a +55 Del Webb community. There are a lot more opportunities for me in a place like that, more chances to make friends....part of the getting on with life and moving forward...after six years, I'm okay moving forward finally.
Thanks for the response, I did speak to a therapist a few weeks ago and he said same thing. There is no magic pill to ease the pain. He said I have to Go through this grief. I do not like it, I do not like that I have no control over the outcome. I have to do nothing more than accept that my life as I knew it will never be the same. My future is not what I wanted, my wife was only 46 I am 48, I would like to think I have at least a few years ahead of me. Not looking forward to the empty evenings..
My husband died on 7-22 of this year. On 8-26 I attended my first Griefshare meeting. Our church runs several 13-week sessions per year and I plan to attend the next one in January. Maybe you should look into the program. While I wasn't ready to learn how to accept his death, I met some new friends that are going through the same loss as I and I learned that I'm not yet stuck in my grieving yet it does feel that way to me.
Marcy, my mother used to live in Tucson, and enjoyed it. She was active in the University Methodist Church, and that was really, really helpful to a retired widow. It gave her friends, companionship and purpose. In her early 70s, she went to clowning school, and was a clown, mostly for church functions. In her late 70s, the church had classes in caregiving, which she took so she could help the really old folks in the church. She was an artist, and also painted murals and made banners for the church, and taught Sunday School for a while. I only visited in the winter, but always really enjoyed it (granted, I never was there in the summer.) She did eventually leave Tucson, as she started getting dementia, and had to move closer to family. It sounds like you have adjusted to your big changes, but there is always something new to learn. Hope things go well for you.
Thanks for the response, I did speak to a therapist a few weeks ago and he said same thing. There is no magic pill to ease the pain. He said I have to Go through this grief. I do not like it, I do not like that I have no control over the outcome. I have to do nothing more than accept that my life as I knew it will never be the same. My future is not what I wanted, my wife was only 46 I am 48, I would like to think I have at least a few years ahead of me. Not looking forward to the empty evenings..
Yes, when our life partner dies, we lose the past because no one else shares all those memories from the same perspective, you lose the present because you do not have her to share your life, and you lose the future because you had planned so many things together, and at the very least you would have planned just to BE together, but that is gone. It is tough to deal with all of that at once. At 48, you have a lot of life left (hopefully.) Of course, it will take time, but I hope that one day you will be able to enjoy life again.
I really appreciate all the support, I like to be able to express how I feel without someone making a stupid comment like she is in a better place now, those comments have no value to me. I made it through the weekend without smoking, I quit Saturday as it would have been my 28th anniversary
Think of what your wife would want you to be and do for your 3 children. They need you and maybe even more than you know. Your wife left you with a task. Finish raising those children. She knew you could handle it so man up and do it. Honor her that way.
You are young with plenty of life left. She would want you to live it.
I know that I have to be here for the kids and today is actually a lot better than yesterday was. I read a short book last night by cs Lewis. He has a very short book about his feelings when his wife died and it really helped. One quote that stood out is how he wanted her back and then thought how selfish it would have been to have her experience death twice. I never really thought about that. He also talks about how we feel empty and miss our loved ones, I am sure they miss us too.
All of us have good days and bad days. Expect it. Know that the bad times will become better. But realize that bad days will return. I just talked to a friend whose husband died 7 years ago. She was telling me that she had a really hard weekend. Things you would never have thought of trip memories and sadness. But as she was telling me this, she was in the midst of a week that was giving her great joy. That is the way of it.
Well today was a better day , have not cried yet today. I have not had a cig since last Friday when I had my last one. I have cravings but then think about it and don't cave. Part of me thinks if I start smoking again then I won't gave to be away from SO as long but i know that is not a good reason, but part of me thinks I never said what year I would stop on our anniversary, maybe just smoke at night, dam talking about this makes me want a cig..fricken cigs
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