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Well today is my 28 the wedding anniversary, my wife passed away on nov 22 this year. I got out of the earlier today but then came home and watched Sophia's choice. Didn't really feel like doing much, oh I quit smoking today. I had started back in August so I used today as a great day to remember when I quit smoking. Now I need to see how xmas will go.
T:
My husband died in December and our next anniversary was in March. To my surprise, I was really not any sadder than I already was. My son offered to take me out to a nice dinner, but that didn't feel right, so we just stayed at home, had a quiet dinner and watched a movie, as you did. We never know how these special days are going to turn out, and I think you just have to go with what you feel is the right thing. Earlier this month was the one year anniversary of my husband's death. But most of the day was spent among friends who knew this. It was a mix of their compassion and celebrating the Christmas season. It was OK. In fact, it was pretty good. For some reason the phrase "life's longing for itself" springs into my mind. I don't know where I read that (was it Gibran?) - I'm sure many years ago. I'm sure it was meant to speak of the drive to have children. But today, the context is different for me, and I see that we all do long to come back to joyful living, despite our grief. Knowing that these two can coexist is what we learn.
My wife also passed on 11/22 after 40 years of marriage. It will be a date burned in our memory.
She had donated her body to the local University School of Medicine (as have I) so there was no wake, funeral, service, etc. Thanksgiving was 4 days later and we used that get together to remember her. Two weeks later (12/6) was her birthday. Her immediate family and I got together for a bite to eat and a few of us had a drink in her memory.
I woke up this morning and realized it was 4 weeks ago today she died. I laid there thinking about her. When I think about her, I alternate between tears in my eyes (like right now) and smiles remembering the good times of which there were many. We were fortunate in that we never hurt emotionally nor financially and we enjoyed life.
We all have different methods of handling grief. My advice is to find your "method" and if it helps you, than it is the right method. Myself, I try to keep busy rather than sit around and think to much. I look for excuses to get up and go. Even simple things like rather than make a grocery list, if I need something than I go get it. I knocked the maid service off and I clean the house. I am decluttering the house. I play golf 2-3 times a week. Keeping myself busy helps me. Part of me is waiting for the "real" grief to hit me but so far, the keeping busy works for me.
My husband died 7/22/15 after 35 years of marriage. Our anniversary = Valentine's Day. I thinking about running away from home that week; if I don't do it next week. I need to see the beach! Still numb and think it will help.
GG. I have read some of your post and I see how you have coped over the last year.
John.. We share the same passing date. I still have to work, I am 48 and fortunately my 3 kids still live at home, so I at least do not have an empty home. I posted about having the kids home with me, although it is nice, it still doesn't feel the void of my wife.
I like the advice about finding my method, I know that this period in my life know will be a lot of discovery of self. I know that I was very codependent.
I have been doing the laundry, dishes sweeping etc..I need to do a whole house dusting. My wife actually had a cleaning schedule that she followed and it is in a binder. She also has a binder with all the recipes we used for meal planning. I was doing the grocery shopping the last 2 months before she passed, and for the past 2 years before that I would always go with her, we did everything together.
I know that keeping busy helps, I ordered two books that another thread talked about to help with the grieving.
Today the four of us ( me and 3 kids, 23,21,19), are going over to my wife's sisters to make xmas cookies. My wife was very close with her older sister, she lives a few miles away, anyway this is the first visit over to their house since the funeral on December 5, two weeks ago.
I will focus on living in the moment today and grieve in privacy, because visiting reminds me of my wife because we always went over there together.
Myrc60..I am sorry for your loss too 35 years is a long time.
It is amazing the number of marriages on this site that are all over 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years, we all would have wanted our marriage to last 60 or more if we could have.
I like to think the reason so many of us were in long marriages is because we are doers not tryers. Well we all need to remember how we are doers and we need to do things that pick us up and always keep our spouse in our hearts.
Last edited by Tsales; 12-20-2015 at 10:57 AM..
Reason: Spelling
Yes, there is a lot of wisdom here. Everyone develops their own ways of living and coping. It is so individual that it is hard to give advice. Only that you must do what feels right to you, and don't let others tell you what you "should" feel or do. It is only in the past few months that I have really started to think of my life as an "I" thing and not a "we" thing. I have started to look forward and to think about how I want to live my life, what I want to do and be, and that has lead me to some decisions. I think that takes time. If you let it come naturally, it will feel right. I think when your loss is fresh, it feels like a desertion of that person to think that way. But as time goes on, you realize that you will never "get over" the one you loved, and that a new life can emerge while those feelings remain.
I know it has only been 1 month since my wife has passed, but I can feel myself going to a depression already. I feel like a ship that is just drifting away from the dock out to sea with no crew aboard. I just got back from my sister in laws, the girls decorated Christmas cookies. I know that this is not a bad dream but I really wish it was, I don't want a life that is without my wife, I would like to think that I still have many years ahead of me in this life, and spending them alone is not my ideal situation. I am not looking forward to life ahead....
I really know the feelings you are talking about. At 1 month after my husband's death, I could think of nothing but him. I could not read because all my mind would do was replaying over and over our experiences in life - when we met, our first kiss, our marriage, etc, etc. Logically, I knew I could still live, but emotionally I remember saying that I just could not see any life ahead. Like you, life without him seemed of no interest to me. Many, many times, I wished that I could have just died with him. I am not one to take my own life, but in a passive way, I asked God why he didn't just take me, too. I thought that because we knew he was going to die, I would have adjusted to it. But I found that the pain was unrelenting and way beyond anything I had imagined. I talked with my counselor, who said this was not depression, but normal sadness and grief. I went to a "spousal loss" support group at the hospice that we had used. It was specific for people over 60. It was really, really helpful to hear the stories of others and to talk together with people who were experiencing the same things as me. I feel that no one realizes the extremity of this blow except someone who has experienced the loss of a much beloved spouse. There is such blessing in talking with someone who simply accepts your grief and your tears because they feel the same way. So I would recommend that you do find a support group, counseling, or a friend who has had a similar loss.
The thing is, you cannot avoid the pain. You have to go through it. But you can find others who will understand, and that will help a bit. You need to hang onto the belief that it will get better. It will never go away, because you will always miss your beloved wife. But life will help you to heal and adjust, and one day, you will see a way to make a life for yourself. Be patient with yourself, take care of yourself as best you can (eat well, get as much sleep as you can, take walks) find support (don't be shy about saying that you need to talk to someone or that you need a little help) and have faith.
Thanks for the response, I did speak to a therapist a few weeks ago and he said same thing. There is no magic pill to ease the pain. He said I have to Go through this grief. I do not like it, I do not like that I have no control over the outcome. I have to do nothing more than accept that my life as I knew it will never be the same. My future is not what I wanted, my wife was only 46 I am 48, I would like to think I have at least a few years ahead of me. Not looking forward to the empty evenings..
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