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I can only speak from how it has been with my Dad. He was always the one to go out and work in the traditional family structure, and didn't cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
When my Mom became ill, he did a better job of taking care of her than himself, but it was still tough because he didn't have the skill to properly prepare healthy or good tasting food.
When she passed, he was in mourning for a decent amount of time. Beyond that, he would not consider dating another woman (even though he had opportunities) for 1 year. He was raised old school, and felt that was showing proper respect. Though he dates now, he never intends to re-marry, and still misses my Mom, probably even more than I realize.
I am not sure if this story helps in any fashion, or how reflective it is with widowers in general. All I know is that it has gotten easier for him, despite the emotional hardship he went through.
I have seen how family members handle it, and yes, it does seem to hit many men harder. Women usually have a social network while many men depend on their wife for their companionship, and to fill their social calendar. When they lose their spouse, they are alone. It can be very hard and lonely. OP, I hope you do get out there again and do things with friends. I don't believe I would want to marry again either at your stage in life, but I hope I would have friends of the opposite sex to go places with. I am sorry for your loss.
My ex father-in-law lost his first wife very early...and ended up marrying quickly, then divorcing and then marrying again until he outlived the third. By that time all the kids were grown and he didn't marry or date after that. He'd finally learned how to cook for himself and had someone come in to clean.
Honestly every person grieves differently and for a different amount of time. My feelings right now are I would not re-marry but would surely enjoy a good friend to do and go places with--laugh with too! I can't say down the road how I may feel....You never want to replace you spouse but perhaps find another joy in life with a different person. Today I can't even imagine that---but I am a very lonely and a people person so maybe someday....
It may not be politically-correct to say it, but I think that widowhood is harder on males. Maybe it's because society expects in general that the male dies first and women grow up with that probability in their minds. Or maybe the female of the species is all-around tougher emotionally. I don't know. It's just that the men in these Internet widow(er) support groups seem to be hurting more than the women, generally speaking. God knows that it's hitting me harder than anything ever has.
Yes, in general men do have a harder time..but I am not at all suggesting women don't. Women in general are far more adaptable than men, thus resort to activities that come's natural to them..ala nesting activities..They will after period of denial thru to acceptance tend to exist and come to term's. Males tend to feel LOST as their wive's/significant other/Soul Mates when gone leave a void in their lives. Of course, this is NOT across the board..but generally speaking !!
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Originally Posted by Calvert Hall '62
I have really appreciated the words of consolation from women; they're so much better at that sort of thing than men. And I'm wide open to non-romantic friendship relationships but my Murriel was my soulmate for 47 years and spouse for 40 of those years. No one will ever replace her in those regards.
I do send condolences for your loss. But must add..that grieving is personal..everybody is different in how they go thru the steps ( denial>acceptance) but as you said..Murriel was your "Soul Mate"..she was your other half..and right now you feel lost and that's okay. Once you accept ( not like it) it and able to only remember good things instead of dwelling the loss (loneliness)..you may be able to move forward...at least I hope so
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Originally Posted by Bonnie Jean McGee
My brother a perfect example
Perfectly competent man who cannot look after himself
Went from Mom to Wife to Other Woman to Another Woman back to Other Woman again
literally has NEVER lived alone
Your brother is NOT uncommon!! That's why ( as a mother of 2 boys) after divorce..I tried so hard to teach them the everyday necessities..such as how to do laundry, cook a meal, maintain your BED (LOL) etc...so 1) they could take care of themselves 2) Appreciate the workload of their spouses..then their future partnerships would be hopefully mutually respectful of each other's roles/responsibilities.
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Originally Posted by Georgianbelle
I have seen how family members handle it, and yes, it does seem to hit many men harder. Women usually have a social network while many men depend on their wife for their companionship, and to fill their social calendar. When they lose their spouse, they are alone. It can be very hard and lonely. OP, I hope you do get out there again and do things with friends. I don't believe I would want to marry again either at your stage in life, but I hope I would have friends of the opposite sex to go places with. I am sorry for your loss.
There's why longterm relationship/marriages are so hard on the one left behind. The Couple after decades+++ understand each other ..both have their roles and it's automatic/unspoken almost...It's especially hard if it's a sudden loss..no time to prepare.
My brother lost his wife of 46 years, but after over 2 decades of dealing with cancer treatment and constant setbacks/then good times/then setbacks...They both knew their time together was limited...Thus bucket list checkoff became urgent..and YEP They did it..right up to the end..Sister-in -law actually conducted cooking class for my brother..because she knew ( because she always did the cooking) had to teach /prepared him to prepare a meal or three! Then of course she as the "Accountant" of finances/property etc..went thru everything..gave checklist for him..so that wouldn't be confusing and unable to deal with...The list goes on!! Anyway, once she passed..He was prepared, nothing between them was left unsaid..thus..pretty smooth path..soo yes..he felt the loss deeply...BUT was not left in some void with no direction and thankful that his beloved was NOT suffering anymore!!
Not to defend my species, but there are plenty of us that can take care of ourselves. My wife and I both worked and had no children. At one time our jobs required both of us to travel so for some years or so it was quite common for the other to be home alone 1-2 nights a week. Even after my wife changed jobs and stopped travelling, I was still traveling.
We also generally traveled in different social circles but manly based around our golf club. She had ladies she played golf with and went to dinner with one night a week. I had men friends I played with and went to dinner with one night a week. At times these people overlapped. The point is neither of us lived vicariously through the other whereas many stay at home woman did.
We took on chores almost by accident. She did the laundry and paid the bills. She never mopped nor waxed a floor in her life but I did. We had house cleaning service but when we did clean the house she dusted, I vacuumed. She never painted a room in her life but I did. We ate out a lot but I cooked more than she did. Cooking was never my wife's talent nor her desire. She did a needle point that hung in our kitchen that said Screw Home Cooking.
Candidly I can live quite well by myself and take good care of myself, but I am keeping an eye out for a female "friend". Being alone and being lonely are two different subjects. Yes I will come over for dinner, a movie, conversation, and a bit of loving. You can come over here for the same. Maybe even several nights a week but no more than that and one goes home to their own home. Sounds like a personal ad............LOL
I would tend to agree that men have it harder. However, this is almost solely due to the fact that men aren't good at cultivating friendships like women are.
When a man is in his 20's, he has lots of friends, He gets married, has a family, and his time to see his friends dwindles so by the time he's in his 30's, his circle of friends has gotten smaller. In his 40's, same thing.
At age 50 or so, men typically don't have a lot of people to hang out with. It is their wives who make dinner plans with other couples, invite other couples over to the house, etc.
So yes, I could see that it would be harder for a man, because his social life would be completely gone. Women would have plenty of people they could talk to and help them get through the loss of their husband, men generally have no one.
I would tend to agree that men have it harder. However, this is almost solely due to the fact that men aren't good at cultivating friendships like women are.
When a man is in his 20's, he has lots of friends, He gets married, has a family, and his time to see his friends dwindles so by the time he's in his 30's, his circle of friends has gotten smaller. In his 40's, same thing.
At age 50 or so, men typically don't have a lot of people to hang out with. It is their wives who make dinner plans with other couples, invite other couples over to the house, etc.
So yes, I could see that it would be harder for a man, because his social life would be completely gone. Women would have plenty of people they could talk to and help them get through the loss of their husband, men generally have no one.
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