I don't understand those people in our lives who make a bad situation worse every time
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As someone who doesn't know your backstory other than this particular post it seems kind of like you're acting as a doormat for your family. While all this was going on did you offer up any resistance to their claims? Stand up for yourself and don't let your kids blow up at you like that without fighting back. Set the record straight and by all means cut off any and all ties to your brother. Doesn't matter than he's mentally ill, he's making your life miserable. Don't let him. If your adult children believe what he's telling them vs. what you are then that's a huge problem. So much for loyalty. Sorry if I'm being negative but no one should have to take that kind of crap.
+1.
"He left everything, all of it, 100% to mom, grandma. It was his decision. Get over it!"
Then carry on with your life. I would be pizzed if my children spoke to me like that. Especially something that is none of their business. Aw Hell no.
I have a daughter who is very supportive. So is my oldest brother, 100 percent. He knows "the players" and has a good head on his shoulders. And my husband is also 100 percent supportive.
...
I lost a brother and at least two of my kids. And I can't believe they are being this cruel to me! It's HORRIBLE!!!!!!! It is so hurtful - and at a time like this!!!
Leave them be; it's all you can do. Yes, it's hurtful -- so remember it.
They can stay together and support each other, and nothing else from me, after all, they are adults. Eff 'em.
Love the ones who love you back -- it's that simple.
Send your son and daughter copies of your father's will - by certified mail, so they'll have to sign and you'll know they've received it. If you include a note, keep it short and to the point - something like "I thought you would want to see Grandpa's will and have your own copies, so here they are. Love, Mom". The will should speak for itself.
Do not engage with your children or brother any more than you must until they calm down and (I hope) apologize for their bad behavior. Keep strong boundaries - hard, hard, hard, I know, when it's your own kids - but necessary for your own well-being.
I am so sorry for all this grief, stress - and distress, especially during this time of the year, and hope that things will resolve more peaceably for you and your family soon.
As someone who doesn't know your backstory other than this particular post it seems kind of like you're acting as a doormat for your family. While all this was going on did you offer up any resistance to their claims? Stand up for yourself and don't let your kids blow up at you like that without fighting back. Set the record straight and by all means cut off any and all ties to your brother. Doesn't matter than he's mentally ill, he's making your life miserable. Don't let him. If your adult children believe what he's telling them vs. what you are then that's a huge problem. So much for loyalty. Sorry if I'm being negative but no one should have to take that kind of crap.
Oh I did offer quite a bit of pushback. Including telling every one of these people that the ONLY people I owe any sort of explanation to are: My mom, the attorneys, my husband, and my one sane brother. That's it. Period.
I also told my son to leave my house. With his Korean wife (from Guam) who I barely know. That was very difficult to do, but made a bit easier by the obviousness that I was very, very physically sick. Still, I made it clear that the main reason I wanted him gone was because of his behavior.
I told my youngest daughter that I will never put myself in a situation where she can ruin a holiday for me again. She may not realize this yet, but what that means - and it's sad but it's the way it has to be - is that it will be a very long time - maybe NEVER - before I invite her to my home again.
I called the organization in charge of my brother and told them that my mother is unable to sign to take charge of my brother (which she is) and that I refuse to do so, so if he wants to come home for a visit, he is going to have to find a friend to sign for him. Good luck with that. But I made it clear that I am not his keeper and that I will not take responsibility for him or his behavior.
I've got my boundaries in place but it still makes me very sad.
"He left everything, all of it, 100% to mom, grandma. It was his decision. Get over it!"
Then carry on with your life. I would be pizzed if my children spoke to me like that. Especially something that is none of their business. Aw Hell no.
Hell no is right.
Today is a new day and I am going on a little trip to St Louis with my husband. I am not as sad now as I am mad - which frankly I like a bit better. It gives me more energy.
Send your son and daughter copies of your father's will - by certified mail, so they'll have to sign and you'll know they've received it. If you include a note, keep it short and to the point - something like "I thought you would want to see Grandpa's will and have your own copies, so here they are. Love, Mom". The will should speak for itself.
Do not engage with your children or brother any more than you must until they calm down and (I hope) apologize for their bad behavior. Keep strong boundaries - hard, hard, hard, I know, when it's your own kids - but necessary for your own well-being.
I am so sorry for all this grief, stress - and distress, especially during this time of the year, and hope that things will resolve more peaceably for you and your family soon.
I am sorry, but I don't agree that they "deserve" a copy of the will. Anyone listed in the will, by law, gets a certified copy of the will from the executor. I already told them all this. "If you are in the will, you will receive a certified copy of the will." Period. So I don't feel like catering to them. I think they are being very unreasonable and disrespectful.
Also, the reason I don't want to send them a copy is because my youngest brother's stuff (when both parents die) goes into a trust, not directly to him. This is going to cause him to freak completely out so there's no need to go there before it's absolutely necessary. He is 100 percent disabled by mental illness so in order to keep his disability status it HAS to go into a trust. Plus, he would mishandle it anyway because, well, because he is very seriously mentally ill.
Other than that, I agree wholeheartedly with your post.
Are you sure you don't want to rethink giving your kids a copy of the will along with a detailed written account of what you've done? Not doing so makes it seem like you're hiding something. It might even help your brother prepare for his situation when the time comes. Especially if it's done in a kind and reassuring way that it really is in his best interest to have everything put in trust. Maybe your husband could talk to him, and maybe your husband should be the one to talk to your children right now? I'm wondering why he hasn't already? He's right you know dear one. It all doesn't have to be on you. Let him take over for awhile.
I'm not sure what to think of your children taking your brother's side, except that maybe your relationship with them has never been that strong? It seems to me that taking the side of someone mentally ill over your own mother's would be a no brainer unless you want to find a way to think the worst. I'm not trying to be harsh to you, but these dynamics are usually in place for a long long time, and there may be something there that you're not aware of. Maybe you should take your husbands advice and seek counseling. Sometimes a third party has a way of seeing something we should have seen and missed.
Either way I hope things work out for you and you find a way to make peace with it and be happy. Life is too short to allow anyone to have the power over our happiness.
I think counseling is a good idea. Your husband sounds very supportive. Your good marriage is something you don't want to have damaged by all this. Couples counseling can help to keep your marriage strong while possibly giving perspective on all the other dynamics. It won't solve all the problems, I imagine, but keeping the core of your life supportive and loving is what will keep you in balance as you negotiate everything else. Rather than concentrating on the negatives, build on the strengths in your life.
Kathryn I am so sorry. You cannot seem to catch a break. Hopefully time will show your children that you are doing everything in our power that is the best for your mom.
Ohhh KA, as someone else said, you are one of my favorite posters here, and I am so sorry for all you are going through.
It is very much the norm, when a person dies, that everything is left to his/her living spouse. So it is odd that any of your family would be questioning any of this. And, as someone else said, it is odd that your own children would believe their mentally ill uncle over you.
But families can be weird sometimes. I too have a child (one out of my three) who has believed lies told about me, and it has caused a tremendously painful estrangement. For your situation to be piled on top of the painful loss of your dear dad, at the holidays, and when you've been sick---well, I have no rainbows to offer, just my sincere sympathies, concern, and wishes that this all smooths out in the near future.
Happy holidays with the ones you love.
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