Quote:
Originally Posted by rural lady
Hi KA,
I think this could be part of my problem also as I don't know what to do right now.
I'm sorry for what you are going thru, its not right, you need time to mourn, let the kids think what they want, your dad left you in charge and you are doing what he wanted. Try and not let their opinions take over your life. I know it hurts you but you have just lost your father. You do not need all of this going on.
I wish I could say more to make you feel better.
As another member posted you were one of their favorites here, you were one of mine also. I haven't been active here for a long time. Maybe I should read some of the posts in other topics so I can laugh.
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Awwww, thank you!
I'm not going to sugar coat it - I was sad off and on over Christmas. I missed my kids and grandkids on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. But I am not going to tolerate bad behavior from adults just so I can be around grandkids. So instead, my husband and I made plans to spend Christmas with his brother and wife in Fort Worth - and we had a very pleasant time.
I had an epiphany moment on Christmas Eve that really helped me. We went to Christmas Eve services at my brother in law's beautiful church in Fort Worth. Wow, it was a gorgeous building, and the acoustics were amazing, and the music was simply fantastic. As I sat and listened to those timeless Christmas hymns, and as I sang Joy To the World with that packed congregation, everyone lifting up their voices in praise to honor Christ the King, I suddenly FELT what I already knew - that Christmas simply isn't about us. We like to say that "Christmas is about family," and "Christmas is for kids," and all that stuff - but I suddenly realized that if I were completely alone - I'd go to church on Christmas Eve and focus on the real meaning of the holiday, and I think I'd be OK.
That moment of thanksgiving - for the birth of Jesus, not for anything else - got me through the rest of the weekend in fine form!
I called and talked to all my grandkids the next day and that was sweet. I wouldn't tell my kids this (I think my daughter has the propensity to use her kids as an excuse to allow her own bad behavior) but guess what - I survived without their drama, and I even survived without their kids. I am sick and tired of their ridiculous behavior and I'm not going to put up with it, even if it means spending holidays and special occasions without them.
I doubt that will be the case forever, but they are going to either take my personal boundaries to heart, or they are going to live without much of me in their lives - their choice and maybe they're fine with the second choice, but if they're OK with that then we don't have a relationship that's as important to them as it is to me, and I need to build my life with that in mind.
All is quiet on the western front, by the way. We defused my brother, apparently. He was at the root of a lot of this. My husband called him and shamed him basically. He also told him that if he continued to act in such a paranoid, harmful, destructive way, he was going to call his mental healthcare program and alert them to his increased paranoia as well as his threatening behaviors. THAT got his attention - he doesn't want them to be called, that's for sure. So anyway, he calmed down.
I'm not feeding the bears. I'm not talking with them, I'm not pursuing them, heck, I'm not even answering most of their calls. (My oldest son has called several times and the only call I took was on Christmas Day and I kept it very short - he started trying to "talk things out" and immediately started on an accusatory footing, and I said, "I'm not going to argue with you or sit here and defend myself, especially on Christmas Day" and he immediately backed off. I kept the conversation very short and simply said "Merry Christmas, hope you have a great day, I love you, gotta go" basically.)
My youngest son, who completely ignored me over Christmas, along with my mother (what a self centered person he is) is now posting pictures of my mother and me on Facebook, with sweet little comments. Not quite sure what that's all about but I'm not particularly impressed. He has a long way to go to patch things up with me and FB posts aren't going to cut it.
My youngest daughter, who has four of my grandkids, is pleasant and polite when I call to talk with the kids, and I'm pleasant and polite with her - and I keep it very short with her. I'm not going to beg to see those kids though. She needs to get her head together, I'm not kidding.
I thank God every day for my oldest daughter and her sweet husband and their four kids. Though they live several states away, we stay in close contact and try to see each other as often as possible. Seeing her family the week before Christmas was WONDERFUL and very healing. Her kids are so open and so loving, and she and I always have a great time together. We didn't talk about a single negative thing - all we did was love on kids, sip on homemade eggnog, go sledding, play Tickle Monster (silly family game) and just soak up love. It was wonderful and reminded me of how healthy and loving relationships CAN and SHOULD be.
Once again, my husband has been a ROCK. He is so loving and kind to me. He is gentle and faithful and supportive.
He felt so bad for me that he bought me a car for Christmas - LOL. OK, seriously, we were already looking at vehicles to replace my car that was 7 years old and we just happened to get a great deal on one the week of Christmas. He took me to the dealership to pick it up the Friday before Christmas - a cherry red Ford Explorer! He has had some grief with his son this past year and he is very empathetic toward me. He also lost both his parents within the same year we lost my dad. So he's very, very understanding.
We've had a really tough two years, with a lot of grief. I think the thing that is the most hurtful is that both our adult kids apparently lack empathy or understanding and seem to be very, very self absorbed. It's like they do not even acknowledge the fact that WE are hurting and grieving. They expect us to be "sensitive to their feelings" and cater to their feelings, but they have absolutely no idea how heavy our load has been - nor, apparently, do they care. In fact, they don't mind adding to it at ALL.
All I can say is that karma is going to hunt them down one day - it may be too late for us to patch things up but I have a feeling they will recall how they treated me and at least wince a little at the memory.
I have noticed that my youngest daughter, who lives one hour away, has come to see my mother exactly once since the funeral. This from the young woman who promised my mother and me that she planned to come EVERY SATURDAY to spend a few hours with her grandmother. Yeah. I notice how well that's working out. Meanwhile, I spend several hours every day either with my mom, or working on estate stuff - sometimes both.
NO ONE is helping me, except for my husband, who is gone two weeks out of every month so his help is limited. My brother who lives many states away has come down twice, so that's a help, but it's not help on a daily basis, though I really, really do appreciate him. My other brother - well, I guess him NOT raising hell is about as much help as I can expect from him. He and I are talking now that my husband shamed him into shape, but all he talks about is how HE is working through "the five stages of grief." It's still always and only about him. His grief, his feelings, his concerns.
Sheeze, what is wrong with all these people????????????? How on earth did nearly my entire family become so incredibly self centered? Even my mom - yes, I know she has deep needs at this point - but she's only continuing her lifelong pattern of being incredibly self centered, and demanding of my time. I've started sharing the complexities of working on the estate with her in an attempt to let her know that not only am I coming to see her and do things with her in person several times a week, I'm also spending hours each week just working on "her" stuff.
I have several very good friends who have told me, in all seriousness, to focus on taking care of myself for a few weeks, and I've taken their advice. Actually it was forced on me because, as I feared, I ended up getting so sick that I actually had to go to BED for a week. I lost my voice for a week too, so it was ironically obvious to everyone that I really was sick as a dog. This was two weeks before Christmas. I am still hoarse from it but I feel a lot better since I finally got some rest, even if it was rest with a fever and Nyquil and TheraFlu!
Anyway, I AM pacing myself now. After getting so sick, I realized I really do have to take care of my own needs first. That's an alien thought to me. But it makes sense at this point in my life.
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