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It's almost been a year and I find my grief getting worse lately. This morning I had a dream that I was standing and she was smiling and kinda dancing and then she just fell to the ground, landing on a mattress on the floor. Then she was just dead.
Feels really weird to think about having to live another 40 years without her. Feels weird to not have family anymore or anyone who cares if I'm sick or if I'm ok or understands me.
It's the anniversary coming that's triggering this new wave of grief. Your first sentence tells it all. Ask anyone who knows. It'll pass, then it'll be back next year, but it lessens over time.
I'm sorry you feel so alone, but weirdly I was thinking of you the last few days because I saw a French film called Elle and thought you should see it. Watch for the son; his role is what made me think of you.
Idk, it's been a rough year. She died, I found out that my mom and brother stole my house, I got stuck in NY, found out that my dad isn't my dad. It's a lot.
I don't really care to be here without her. In a lot of ways, she crippled me bc we were so close and she worried so much about me and vice versa. I mean, I'm not like a loser in the basement or a cat lady but I just liked to be with her. My friends liked her, too. She was really nice to me. But she was nervous and I didn't want to worry her so I'd never do things like drive in bad weather. But now I have a job where I work odds hours and am an essential employee and I'm 44 and don't know how I'm going to drive in ice/snow. That kind of stuff does make me a little mad at her bc she should have understood that eventually she was going to leave me and I'd have to work more and I can't tell a boss that I can't drive in anything other than clear weather. I guess if others can do it, I can, too.
I'm just not sure that a world without her is a world for me. I'll give it through the spring and see if it gets any better.
Sucks when you get so much love from just one person and it disappears.
That's what grief and loss feel like. What would she say to you if you told her all that you wrote above? I ask because my grandmother is still inside me; I hear her telling me things - not like I'm hearing voices, but there were things she said about a full moon or driving or all kinds of stuff and in the right situation I hear it clear as day in my head. As long as I live I carry her memory and her love with me. What would she say to you about the way you feel today? Whatever she would have said, it would probably have been good advice.
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