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OK, not to argue, but talking about how no one should have to bury their child and similar statements does start a grief contest. It's saying that is the worst kind of grief. While other types are more 'acceptable. Parents being at the top of the acceptable list. We expect them to die before us. Siblings we don't, but that is not considered as tragic as losing a child.
So while that person who said straight to the face of the person who lost her brother that her grief was bigger since she lost a child was rude, that sentiment is said in a general way quite often.
OK, not to argue, but talking about how no one should have to bury their child and similar statements does start a grief contest. It's saying that is the worst kind of grief. While other types are more 'acceptable. Parents being at the top of the acceptable list. We expect them to die before us. Siblings we don't, but that is not considered as tragic as losing a child.
So while that person who said straight to the face of the person who lost her brother that her grief was bigger since she lost a child was rude, that sentiment is said in a general way quite often.
I'm afraid I need to disassemble this false construct quickly.
Talking about how no one should have to bury their child and similar statements does NOT start a grief contest. For there to be a contest, at least two people have to be willing to engage in it as a competition. While a statement like that might be a hook for some people, for many of us it is simply a form of acknowledging the pain of losing a child.
The constructs of who should die first are best left to movies like "Lifeboat" or situations like occurred with the Donner party. Such musings have nothing to do with grief whatsoever, but are attempts to control or to make judgments about things beyond our control.
One of the key teaching points of forums such as this is that comparisons of grief are not only rude, but come from a lack of understanding and/or compassion. Regrettably, threads like this may be the first place some people learn that, rather than having been taught that from an early age.
I've told this story before, but I think it's up there with Things Not To Say To A Grieving Person.
My mother was the mayor's representative for the town library board. As it became apparent that my brother was dying at 51, my mother told the mayor she could no longer be on the board because she was caring for her son. The mayor was also a mother who had a lost a son of her own in a construction accident.
My brother died, and I was standing next to her in front of my brother's casket at the funeral home when in walks the mayor. She comes up to my mother and says, "I'm sorry about your son, but now maybe you'll have time to come back and serve on the library board." My mom just looked sort of confused and simply said, "We'll see" or something to that effect.
What a thoughtless thing to say.
The worse thing that I ever heard said to a grieving person did not happen to me but to a co-worker. She had taken a leave of absence from work for several months to care for her husband who was dying from cancer. Needless to say, she was taking his death very hard. At the funeral, held on a Saturday, the big boss actually said to the widow, "I'll see you Monday morning at work." Oh my! If I would not have heard it with my own ears I would not have believed it.
Apparently, her leave was for "caregiving" so technically he was correct that she needed to change to bereavement leave or sick leave or something else but no one could believe that he actually said that to her, at the funeral.
The worse thing that I ever heard said to a grieving person did not happen to me but to a co-worker. She had taken a leave of absence from work for several months to care for her husband who was dying from cancer. Needless to say, she was taking his death very hard. At the funeral, held on a Saturday, the big boss actually said to the widow, "I'll see you Monday morning at work." Oh my! If I would not have heard it with my own ears I would not have believed it.
Apparently, her leave was for "caregiving" so technically he was correct that she needed to change to bereavement leave or sick leave or something else but no one could believe that he actually said that to her, at the funeral.
The worse thing that I ever heard said to a grieving person did not happen to me but to a co-worker. She had taken a leave of absence from work for several months to care for her husband who was dying from cancer. Needless to say, she was taking his death very hard. At the funeral, held on a Saturday, the big boss actually said to the widow, "I'll see you Monday morning at work." Oh my! If I would not have heard it with my own ears I would not have believed it.
Apparently, her leave was for "caregiving" so technically he was correct that she needed to change to bereavement leave or sick leave or something else but no one could believe that he actually said that to her, at the funeral.
I can't get over some of these stories. What is wrong with people?
I'm not the most empathetic person in the world, but these stories are insane.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate
That has to be one of the most insensitive comments I have seen, sure hope no one actually said that to you!!! I think a comment like that would have sent me int a not to nice tirade at the commentor
I'd be shocked if anyone but the closest of friends/family said anything like that, but I can tell you that it goes through the head of a lot of people who are caring for a dying loved one, and more than once. Heck, I was shocked the first time it popped into my own head when my husband was slowly dying of cancer. But after he died, when a close friend said "What are you going to do now?" I wasn't insulted or shocked, because she knew exactly the range of emotions I'd been struggling with during his illness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron61
That’s easy. The worse thing to say to a grieving person is NOTHING.
This. Even if they said the wrong thing, they tried.
I was only 38 when my husband was killed in an accident and quite a few people told me that I was young and would meet someone else.
I can't begin to explain how much those comments hurt me. Yes it was true that I was still young and most likely would have another relationship in my lifetime but at the time about the last thing I was thinking about was loving another man.
I also got a lot of the standard "God needed another angel" and "He's in a better place." Back then those words enraged me. I needed my husband and my baby needed her father. I really didn't care what God wanted and his place was with me in our home not floating on a cloud in heaven.
Our the years I've become less sensitive to stupid comments because I know most people mean no harm and they really don't know what to say.
Having said that it still annoys me slightly when people tell me how strong I am. I don't know why but it feels dismissive of my pain. Losing my husband brought me to my knees and ripped my heart out.
Even now 2 1/2 years later I still feel weak sometimes. I keep going because I have too but I've earned the right to fall apart now and then.
I'd been through the clueless comments when my brother and father died, so I was sort of prepared. I let them roll in and out like the tide. They would be washed away.
The one thing that really got to me was that they, the neighbors and people we'd known for years, not even my other brother, forgot me on the next big holiday, which was Thanksgiving. Not one.
I took my son to a somewhat expensive restaurant and told him to order whatever he wanted. Teenagers can eat a lot of food! I think, if I remember correctly, that he ordered two appetizers, a dinner/main meal, two extra side dishes, dessert, and coffee. Plus here or minus there, he'd had everything to eat that he could possibly want in a nice white tablecloth place.
Bless you, meloves. You may not like hearing it but I think you ARE a strong woman. You have a baby girl that depends on you and you haven't let her down. I couldn't have done that when I was younger.
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