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Anything besides "I'm sorry" and a hug quite often comes off as "trying to make you feel better." Well guess what, NOTHING anyone says will make you feel better.. Do they really think you are going to smack yourself on the forehead and say "My God, he IS in a better place, now I feel happy knowing that."
It's bad enough when your loss is of an adult loved one, when a kid or baby dies (or miscarries) the Stoopid Squad really comes out of the woodwork.
PLEASE, PLEASE Don't try to "cheer up" anyone who is grieving. It ain't gonna work.
I find it interesting that people are so attach to others loss. Yes, is sad to see someone who you really care pass away, but the reality is we all die. That's a fact. Why do we care so much about how we feel? Why can't we think about how the person in the situation feel? When we were born in the first place, we were suffering by crying so hard and looking for help, and did any parents thought about poor little one who has to suffer? I don't think so.
My point is, we are constantly thinking about how we feel, and we disregard how the person in the situation feel. Death itself has no meaning, we human put an emotion on that death event, and that's why we think is sad. Just because we cannot see or feel the death, it doesn't mean their energy is gone.
I remember shortly after my mother passed, someone said to me that she is now in a better place. A smile came upon my face. I said, that I was not so sure, that her ashes were now in a box under her husbands bed.
Despite knowing the words were meant to comfort, when my father had passed anything but "I don't know what to say" and "let me know what you need right now" royally upset me.
The worst to me?
"It was God's will or God works in mysterious ways".
Say you're sorry, and show them you care in some way, (send a card, give them a home cooked meal, donate food for the funeral, give a donation to a charity, a gift card for a meal or just sit and hold their hand or give them a hug, etc) but leave all the other crap out.
I will go with I'm so sorry and leave it at that and maybe if I know they are having a really hard time a card and a gift card inside just to get something that they really need or just to make them feel a lil better .
This^. And I might add "I am here for you if you need anything".
I received a lot of condolences (I think there were 1500 people at the funeral), only one thing upset me (I didn't say anything) "you must be crying crocodile tears by now" WTH? It's the middle of the funeral, my husband unexpectedly dropped dead 3 days earlier.
I accepted everything else people were saying. It didn't necessarily give me comfort, but they meant well.
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I find it interesting that people are so attach to others loss. Yes, is sad to see someone who you really care pass away, but the reality is we all die. That's a fact. Why do we care so much about how we feel? Why can't we think about how the person in the situation feel? When we were born in the first place, we were suffering by crying so hard and looking for help, and did any parents thought about poor little one who has to suffer? I don't think so.
My point is, we are constantly thinking about how we feel, and we disregard how the person in the situation feel. Death itself has no meaning, we human put an emotion on that death event, and that's why we think is sad. Just because we cannot see or feel the death, it doesn't mean their energy is gone.
I never take anything personally that was said to me because so many people just don't know what to say or get tongue-tied etc. There are just such WIDELY divergent situations meaning that losing 90yo grandma in poor health is a lot different than losing a child....also factors like sudden loss or loss due to chronic illness like cancer etc.
I generally just say, "I'm sorry for your loss".
For some CLOSE friends with regards to the loss of a more elderly parent, grandparent etc, "it's a credit to them that their loss is meaningful to you, a lot of people don't have those relationships" it's a celebration of life attitude.
First off, I understand that there are people that are extremely tactless, that are self-absorbed and self-centered, and do NOTHING to alleviate the situation. Whether its their own personal stunted development, or just an innocent awkwardness or ignorance, they manage to say things that are so blatantly unhelpful that it boggles the mind.
BUT, most of the time, these things are said with kind and empathetic intentions. Lots of us have no background in Social Work, Grief Counseling, etc...
While not easy, those of us that are grieving do need to keep in mind that most people don't come to our side because its fun and they want to feel good about themselves for doing so. They do so to acknowledge our own importance in their lives, and/or the importance of the deceased in their lives. Consolations are a part of this and often times fall flat, but are a reflection of the above.
And, when my Uncle passed before his time (60 or so) from a random cancer, My Aunt DID say to us, "He's not here anymore, he's with God now." My Uncle was a man of strong faith, who walked the walk and ministered to the poor/elderly/sick til he could no longer make it through the day to complete it. She believed it and so did he and so did my Cousin.
Saying "She's in a better place now" is a reflection of a somewhat common Christian experience (and most Americans are at least nominally Christian, and believing in Heaven isn't exactly a fundamentalist Loony belief) and an acknowledgement that the deceased are now partaking in their perpetual Reward.
Saying "He's in a better place" is often meant as a nice way of acknowledging that the deceased is no longer suffering the wretched indignities of a slow decline; they are no longer racked by a cancer that slowly robs them of everything as they struggle for oxygen while unable to get up and toilet themselves, they are no longer struggling to swallow food and unable to recognize their loved ones, no longer forced to chose between a morphine induced fog or pain so severe they can hardly stand it.
Saying "I know how you feel" is a valid statement, because dealing with the prolonged decline of a loved one, making the hard decisions, being the "bad guy" that's forced to bully an elderly loved one into a safer environment, and keeping vigil as they spend weeks in hospice care, isn't a unique experience
"I know how you feel" is a way of communicating "You are not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel, etc..."
I agree that it is often far worse/more awkward when its a younger persons passing, the child of someone, something sudden...That's a lot harder.
My Dad always says when he goes to a wake, "I was sorry to hear about XYZ's passing. I always remember how excited he would get coaching our Hockey team, (or how much you liked fishing together, or how she was always smiling and welcoming) We'll miss that." It seems to keep it brief and avoids drawing out or stepping on sentiments that aren't readily picked up by those not closest to the deceased.
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