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JONOV, I agree with the concept of taking any and all comments on a death with an ear to trying to hear the positive intent. I doubt that the person commenting "crocodile tears" to a previous poster understood what the phrase really means. (In such a case, I might try to clue them in or ask the intent)
People in grief are extremely vulnerable and not always able to handle poorly worded comments with grace. Remember that anger is often an easier emotion to deal with for someone grieving than those feelings coming from loss or any major stressor.
As an extreme example, I once was moved in as a manager of a theatre that was out of control. In the course of getting it back to basic standards, I showed the janitor different ways to mop so that the floors wouldn't be sticky, took the carpet cleaning job from him and had a professional correct his mistakes. I liked the janitor and had no problems with him other than the lack of training he had been given for the job. About three weeks after I arrived, he had a heart attack at home one night and died. His wife completely blamed me for his death. The anger towards me was her way of coping with the loss of her husband. It is awkward being in such a situation, and the best I could do was be the bad guy and allow her to be angry towards me.
If I err in saying the "right" phrase to a person in grief and there is anger returned, I apologize and accept the anger as mostly displaced anger not really aimed at me.
The one that bugs me the most is "Everything happens for a reason". This line bugs me even when I'm not the one that's experienced the loss. When someone has experienced an unspeakable tragedy, what reason could possibly be good enough to justify its occurrence??
I find that comments about "God's will" and "God works in mysterious ways" just the non-secular way of saying "Everything happens for a reason" and so those comments anger me just as much, maybe moreso. Many religious folks like God to a caring father. What kind of caring father would put their child through anything that horrible when there are much less awful ways to teach the same lesson or accomplish the same result? I would never put my child through such wrenching pain.
I think people are well-meaning so I take things in stride when they make these comments because I know they're just not looking into it too deeply, but I wish folks would!
I will go with I'm so sorry and leave it at that and maybe if I know they are having a really hard time a card and a gift card inside just to get something that they really need or just to make them feel a lil better .
The "I'm sorry" is fine, but unless you know that someone is in financial need, a gift card doesn't seem appropriate to me. In some areas, there is a tradition of enclosing some contribution to the funeral expenses. But to me, a gift felt like I was benefiting from my husband's passing, and that was the last thing I wanted to feel.
I worked with an extremely self absorbed and self important person who didn't even acknowledge my father dying.
I asked her several weeks after my dad's funeral if she knew my dad had passed away and she replied, "Oh yes, I heard."
That's when I knew I had to get out of public accounting - filled with narcissistic sociopaths.
That right there proves that some people are just clueless to other’s suffering or like you said so self absorbed it is astonishing and sad at the same time. Smh
Never use the word "closure." That God's Mysterious Plan thing is probably second. As a rule of thumb, stay away from thoughts that focus on you and your beliefs. Seriously, the one innocuous thing that was said to me in my time was "I can't imagine what you must be going through," and my response to that was "Neither can I."
I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
That has to be one of the most insensitive comments I have seen, sure hope no one actually said that to you!!! I think a comment like that would have sent me int a not to nice tirade at the commentor
I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
That's incredibly insensitive. I can't believe someone would say that.
Although, I've talked to family members who, after dealing with the exhausting caregiving for years and years, felt real guilt that they were indeed relieved at the passing of a loved one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01
The one that bugs me the most is "Everything happens for a reason". This line bugs me even when I'm not the one that's experienced the loss. When someone has experienced an unspeakable tragedy, what reason could possibly be good enough to justify its occurrence??
I find that comments about "God's will" and "God works in mysterious ways" just the non-secular way of saying "Everything happens for a reason" and so those comments anger me just as much, maybe moreso. Many religious folks like God to a caring father. What kind of caring father would put their child through anything that horrible when there are much less awful ways to teach the same lesson or accomplish the same result? I would never put my child through such wrenching pain.
I think people are well-meaning so I take things in stride when they make these comments because I know they're just not looking into it too deeply, but I wish folks would!
Yes, that is incredibly insensitive. Its one thing to say that about a more minor hiccup in life, but at a death?
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper
The "I'm sorry" is fine, but unless you know that someone is in financial need, a gift card doesn't seem appropriate to me. In some areas, there is a tradition of enclosing some contribution to the funeral expenses. But to me, a gift felt like I was benefiting from my husband's passing, and that was the last thing I wanted to feel.
I have to think that's largely a micro-cultural thing, like the envelopes of cash at some Italian weddings.
I can top everyone: "You must be relieved; now you can get your life back!"
Yep, you win the prize of the most tactless
Even if it wasn't a good marriage? or how hard it was to be a caregiver? or whatever the situation, what a horrible thing to say.
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