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This is a good point. Why not relocate to somewhere different, where you will not have memories?
Relocation is a possibility, but remember that Eric is only 4 months post-loss. Moving is a terrific amount of work, and it is emotionally wrenching when you have to go through all the possessions of your lost spouse, deciding what to do with items that are loaded with meaning. I moved one year after my husband died, and it was extremely stressful. When we were a couple, somehow all the work was divided up and we shared both decisions and burdens. It was so overwhelming and so emotionally exhausting for me to have to make a million decisions by myself, from when to sell the house, who to hire to paint, what to do with my husband's shoes, what furniture, kitchenware, keepsakes, tools, etc., to take and what to get rid of, etc. I don't discourage moving, but it is certainly nothing to take lightly.
I have heard it repeated many times that you should not make big decisions for a year after a big loss. I'm not sure that has to be strictly adhered to, but the idea is that we make better decisions when we are not totally lost in grief. Better to wait until there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon before making decisions about the future.
Yes, they say, give it a year after the loss of a spouse, so you don't make bad decisions out of haste or not being able to focus and think about those changes logically.
Please reach out and talk to people. Find a grief support group in your area.
Go see your doctor. Ask them if you would be suitable for an anti-depressant. They help with mood, but can also help get your appetite back.
Get outdoors as much as possible. Buy some bird seed and feed the birds.
Best wishes to you.
EXCELLENT ADVICE!!! First I am so very sorry for your loss, and what you are dealing with is quite common for those experiencing such a devastating void. I understand...I really do. PLEASE see a Dr and tell them about your situation. They will probably start you on a COUPLE anti-depressants to get you front loaded so that you are not at rock bottom not able to function, and from there and scale you back as you start to improve.
Not only does something like you experienced takes it mental toll on you, but it also takes a chemical toll on your body. When dealing with that kind of stress, serotonin levels can crash. I really think that part of what is making it difficult to move forward is not only your emotional loss, but also the chemical changes it made in your body as you tried to work thru your loss.
After taking the medications for about 10-14 days (it is not like aspirin and you take it and it goes away). Levels that have been depleted need to be built back up, start with simple goals. I will allow myself to stay in bed until (fill in the blank) at which time I MUST get up and go for a walk. Get out and walk...sunshine and fresh air and EXERCISE is good for you....again, helps manage the stress. Also, when you feel an improvement, DONT STOP TAKING THE MEDS!!! Yes, you are feeling better, but it is BECAUSE of the meds....give yourself time and then the Dr will help you gradually wean off when appropriate.
Also, have you considered a support group?? Sometimes it helps to know that you are not alone, that others are feeling the same way you are. Lots of cities have support groups for grieving/loss....churches often sponser them, but there are others as well, not only thru churches. Check with your local hospice and they can resource you. Sending warm wishes and caring thoughts along with a big hug! I have suffered losses in my lifetime as well (only one still alive from my entire birth family) and even at my age (mid 60's) I felt lost, like a orphan. And that is with my wonderful husband, children and grandchildren love and support....it just takes time to process and accept. Trying to do it with no medical or support system is something I can not even imagine.
EXCELLENT ADVICE!!! First I am so very sorry for your loss, and what you are dealing with is quite common for those experiencing such a devastating void. I understand...I really do. PLEASE see a Dr and tell them about your situation. They will probably start you on a COUPLE anti-depressants to get you front loaded so that you are not at rock bottom not able to function, and from there and scale you back as you start to improve.
Not only does something like you experienced takes it mental toll on you, but it also takes a chemical toll on your body. When dealing with that kind of stress, serotonin levels can crash. I really think that part of what is making it difficult to move forward is not only your emotional loss, but also the chemical changes it made in your body as you tried to work thru your loss.
After taking the medications for about 10-14 days (it is not like aspirin and you take it and it goes away). Levels that have been depleted need to be built back up, start with simple goals. I will allow myself to stay in bed until (fill in the blank) at which time I MUST get up and go for a walk. Get out and walk...sunshine and fresh air and EXERCISE is good for you....again, helps manage the stress. Also, when you feel an improvement, DONT STOP TAKING THE MEDS!!! Yes, you are feeling better, but it is BECAUSE of the meds....give yourself time and then the Dr will help you gradually wean off when appropriate.
Also, have you considered a support group?? Sometimes it helps to know that you are not alone, that others are feeling the same way you are. Lots of cities have support groups for grieving/loss....churches often sponser them, but there are others as well, not only thru churches. Check with your local hospice and they can resource you. Sending warm wishes and caring thoughts along with a big hug! I have suffered losses in my lifetime as well (only one still alive from my entire birth family) and even at my age (mid 60's) I felt lost, like a orphan. And that is with my wonderful husband, children and grandchildren love and support....it just takes time to process and accept. Trying to do it with no medical or support system is something I can not even imagine.
Paka, for someone with certain types of clinical depression, antidepressant medication can be helpful. Having worked in a state hospital, I've seen firsthand how it is effective in a percentage of cases. It is NOT by any stretch the panacea your post implies, nor is it appropriate for the normal grieving process. Life and the experience of life does not happen properly in a pill bottle, and the PROCESS of grieving involves some pain that is a required part of the process.
There is a serious potential for harm that comes from jumping to quick "cures." The first is that the "cure" can limit and slow the work needed to progress through an issue, A second is that medications have side effects, many of which only get discovered after the fact. Even someone who goes through chemo to save their life will have changes that can debilitate. Thirdly, and as important as the others, the casual use of mood modifiers buys into the completely false "disease" model of grief. Grief is NOT a disease, period -full stop. Grief comes as part of a full loving life. People who can never experience loving, because of brain chemistry or mental functioning, do not get to experience the grief of loss. I might consider the inability to love a disability, but not the ability to love and grieve, which exist as a coupled pair.
In having worked during a time when casual overmedication was common, and having been married to a psychotherapist for many years, I can say with some certainty that there is no way that any competent psychiatrist or psychologist would rush to prescribe, based upon the limited information provided in the original post. Please do not pre-guess the extremes of what doctors might do.
One more thing to the OP, which I forgot, and apologize, sir, I know this time is truly difficult for you...you will go thru many emotions, including anger, for her leaving you...however, please keep in mind, this is part of the grieving process...and please remember one thing, never ever feel guilty that your may live your life again, or smile again or be happy....out of fear of being disloyal to her....more than anything else in the whole world, she would want you to be happy...and live the life you are given to the fullest to complete your journey. Besides, it will give you great material for you to discuss with her when you meet again.
Grief support is not for everyone, my neighbor was going, and she said, she ended up being more depressed than if she didn't go...so?
I'm just saying this, b/c it's important the OP doesn't feel like he failed if he goes and it doesn't work for him....
A support GROUP may not be helpful for everyone, but reaching out and speaking to someone certainly would be. Sometimes it just takes that first step out the door that makes all the difference.
The OP could try a counselor one-on-one, or even suggest to a neighbor that they meet up for coffee.
A support GROUP may not be helpful for everyone, but reaching out and speaking to someone certainly would be. Sometimes it just takes that first step out the door that makes all the difference.
The OP could try a counselor one-on-one, or even suggest to a neighbor that they meet up for coffee.
Grief support is not for everyone, my neighbor was going, and she said, she ended up being more depressed than if she didn't go...so?
I'm just saying this, b/c it's important the OP doesn't feel like he failed if he goes and it doesn't work for him....
Absolutely true, creme. Sometimes those groups do more harm than good. In my time of need, there were no groups to be found except up in the cities and I was not going to drive to them. This forum was new so I read every single thread, every single post before I jumped in.
What a God-send this place was. I never did seek out any groups irl after posting here. Then, when I became suicidal, those members kept me alive until it passed and my doc upped my happy pills slightly. I had had to start on low dosage pills after the death of my father 8 years earlier. Between talking here and my meds, the dark thoughts faded and doc lowered my dosage again. Though my grieve did not take "an appropriate time " and, as I said, I like staying in my pjs, I am okay. I try to "pay it forward" in here from time to time. "Experience is the greatest teacher."
Eric will be fine in time. Most of us do get there even though in the beginning we can't imagine that. Time may not "heal" but it "soothes".
Good post, Harry, I was SMH reading the post you replied to.
Absolutely true, creme. Sometimes those groups do more harm than good. In my time of need, there were no groups to be found except up in the cities and I was not going to drive to them. This forum was new so I read every single thread, every single post before I jumped in.
What a God-send this place was. I never did seek out any groups irl after posting here. Then, when I became suicidal, those members kept me alive until it passed and my doc upped my happy pills slightly. I had had to start on low dosage pills after the death of my father 8 years earlier. Between talking here and my meds, the dark thoughts faded and doc lowered my dosage again. Though my grieve did not take "an appropriate time " and, as I said, I like staying in my pjs, I am okay. I try to "pay it forward" in here from time to time. "Experience is the greatest teacher."
Eric will be fine in time. Most of us do get there even though in the beginning we can't imagine that. Time may not "heal" but it "soothes".
Good post, Harry, I was SMH reading the post you replied to.
wish I could rep you again, but you know the drill.....
hope you don't mind me sending hugs....and thank you's for this lovely post to Eric....
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