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So don't get out of bed. The advice others give here is well meaning but you have to live your life as you see fit for you. If you are sad, depressed, unhappy. Be all of those things until you feel better or until those feelings subside.
While you are learning to cook, make a lunch for someone in need and take it to them. Giving to others, even when you feel empty, is the best way to fill up your cup.
Everyone grieves differently and there is no right way. What you are going through is perfectly natural, take as long as you need. You know this but I'll say it again, it gets better. Time is a wonderful healer.
There will always be a hole in your heart that will never be completely filled. But it should not prevent you from recovering to the extent that you can begin to live life again. You know that's what she would have wanted for you. But all in time, in the meantime I agree that posting here may provide you some comfort so feel free.
I am very sorry to hear of your loss, eric. 4 months is nothing in time of grieving. I can relate to you not wanting to get out of bed, having physical limitations, not many, if any, people to talk to. I do believe in "happy pills" for depression and if you have a family doctor, go talk to him/her about your depression. You are clearly suffering from it. Pills are not a magical cure but can take the edge off it, letting you at least get out of bed even if just to take nourishment. Even after 6 years I rarely get out of pajamas. I go to drive-thrus a lot. I get dressed once a week, go shopping and then it's back to pjs. I know, not a good lifestyle to most but it suits me fine and that is who I answer to....me. Maybe you should try going back to your house, let it all out, cry, scream, throw stuff, go to bed and then think about getting some medication and then if you feel like it either find an irl group, or come here. Another thing I can recommend is prayer, if you believe.
Try to find something that you like to do every day, even if it's just to sit in the sun for a few minutes, take a walk, get breakfast or coffee out, etc.
Attending to your health (by taking care of your environment - keeping it clean and beautiful), eating healthy, drinking clean/fresh water, etc. All of these seemingly little things can help you feel better.
I know you said you don't want to go back to your house, but I think you "should" force yourself to - take care of business, clean up, and in the process, deal with your feelings - cry, grieve, and take care of yourself in every moment.
I doubt your wife would want to know you are suffering so severely.
I'm very sorry about your loss. As Harry said, many of us are familiar with the loss of a beloved spouse after a whole lifetime together. I do so understand having no interest in eating, wanting to just stay in bed, feeling as though there is nothing left. I know it is hard to believe, but things can gradually get better. You are just 4 months out from a devastating loss, so I encourage having patience with yourself, but also taking care of yourself. Do try to eat some healthy food. I would also encourage you to take a walk, if you can, every day. Being outside in nature is truly helpful. It is spring now, and I don't know where you live, but in many places, there are encouraging signs of new life. Even just sitting outside, getting a little sun and some of the sights and sounds of spring is good for the soul. Just get out a little, then if you want, go back and rest. It takes time.
While you are learning to cook, make a lunch for someone in need and take it to them. Giving to others, even when you feel empty, is the best way to fill up your cup.
Excellent suggestion, if he can be up and around, too.
She died on Xmas, her birthday. She didn’t want a memorial service. I called the people we knew, but there weren’t that many of them anymore.
I try to stay busy, like learning to cook, but I’m not really hungry these days, so that isn’t much help.
You and I have some things in common. My wife died the day after Xmas in 2015. She too didn't want a memorial service.
OTOH, I can cook easily and rarely follow recipes, coming up with dishes that get raves just by pulling ideas out of thin air. In my experience, cooking is much more fun when you share the result with one or two other people, and time together in a kitchen before a meal allows social contact without pressure or awkward silences. You might use your learning to cook as a way of asking people to critique a few dishes you cook and have gentle interaction.
Are there activities you like to do, or have enjoyed in the past and might want to resume? Is there someone or some cause that you can help in some limited fashion that also allows you space? Is there a particular TV series that can transport you, even for a few minutes, out of your immediate situation? They don't call it "escapist" entertainment for nothing.
Being open at this time might seem scary, but it does help. If you aren't ready for that or don't want to, you might want to read some of the threads here to get a sense of what has gone on for others, and a safe way for you to get some information that could help you.
eric johns - I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. Time does heal. Lots of kind, caring, excellent suggestions here.
Try doing only one baby step every day toward loving yourself, being kinder to yourself, and honoring something that was special about your wife. What would she want you to be doing about your situation? Losing a beloved spouse is one of the most difficult changes in our lives.
Even if you.... get out of bed, walk over to a nice window and spend a few minutes appreciating nature. Or open the front door and stand on the threshold for a few minutes, taking in nature. Make a simple appreciation list of 3 items every day....for me, today, my simple list might be something like this: !) appreciate the sunshine today 2) sure do appreciate my pillow 3) appreciate resting on my bed.
Try the 3 item appreciation list, and if you can only think of one thing. Do that. Tomorrow will be another day. Remember that each and every day presents an opportunity for a new beginning.
Another thing worth trying when you're ready: Paying it forward. Do something kind for someone else, but do it without them knowing you did it. I love doing this...don't do it a lot, but once in a while I do. I would rather people not know it was me...truly. I used to do it at work...I would be really sneaky so no one saw me do it. It was fun to see the look on a co-worker's face when they noticed it. And I could just be an observer. I wasn't looking for a big production, I just wanted to feel the feelings of delight, doing something for another person, that I knew they would like. Figure out how you can do this in your own way...maybe for one of your current neighbors, or even for a neighborhood pet that walks through the yard. Leave a treat for that pet in a little dish.
Keep in touch with this group on City-Data Forum. We are a caring bunch. I appreciate the effort it took for you to make this post!
{{ HUGS }}
I was widowed many years ago. I went online after being like you for quite a while and found a grief support group at a local church. I went to every meeting for the 6-week session. It was a huge help. Not a miracle but got me moving in a new direction and interacting with others going through the same experience. It also helped me sort through a lot of my thoughts and feelings about losing my husband.
You are still alive and there are offerings in this world for you. Each day, if you take a deliberate step to gain freedom from grief, will bring you closer to finding peace and a meaningful life.
P.S. Your local animal shelter can always use volunteers!
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