Good friends that disappear after a death.

[Cida]

That's very sad. It's not unusual for friends to steer clear due to feeling awkward, not knowing the right thing to say. But for your friend to be dismissive like that is disgraceful. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a crisis to make you realize that someone wasn't really your friend in the best sense of the word.

I hope you called the group that stopped inviting you, and make some very pointed remarks.

[harry chickpea]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

Well, we had our lunch date. Everyone came and everyone seemed to have a great time. We ate and chatted and ate and chatted for almost two hours.

Except, for one thing. it was pretty clear that during the time that I had been concentrating on being a full time caregiver and then the months that I was in heavy grief over the death of my husband, everyone had moved on. I was surprised to discover that two of the group, who had in the past rarely socialized just the two of them, were now scheduling regular shopping trips together to a large city that is two hours away. I also learned that three of the women bought a number of tickets together to see various plays (also something new).

It seemed like every side conversation was "Remember when we went XYZ together?" and "Wasn't it fun to travel to ABC city together?" and "Great Party at Mary's house!: All things that I was not invited to attend.

While I will still periodically call my friends, and hopefully meet for coffee or lunch, one or two at a time, I really doubt that I will try to set up an activity with all of us again. If someone else plans something, I will attend, but it was just too disappointing for me.

I'm sorry it wasn't as supportive an experience as it might have been. Two thoughts immediately come to mind; that most social groups have ever changing dynamics that shift over time, and that sometimes loss is what is needed to make room for new growth and new friends.

The bringing up of events you had not been invited to was tacky and gauche, but those gaffes may guide you in finding more authentic and compassionate friends in the future. I am still of the opinion that your attempt at reaching out was brilliant.