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I've been involved in a great relationship for almost 8 months. One of my closest friends has been involved with a wonderful lady for almost a year. In fact, they're now engaged. When he and I first met, we were both single and had no ties to significant others. Anyway, over the weekend he told me that he appreciated the fact that I kept in touch with him - despite the fact that I'm now seriously involved with someone. Then we had this long conversation about people who disappear when they get involved, etc etc.
The way I look at it: my close friends are people that I've known for years. They've been there for me through some very rough times. Sure, we cannot see each other as much as we used to, but I would never just disappear. In this day and age, it takes all of ten seconds to write a quick text to say hello, or drop a message in someone's FB. And though I love my spouse dearly, sometimes it's nice to have some time either alone, or with friends just to take a breather and have a balance.
But I find the whole disappearing when you get involved rather strange. Has that ever happened to you?
I am the person who tends to turn my focal point to my SO when I am in a relationship. I don't abandon friendships or fall off the face of the earth, but I definitely don't seek out friends for socializing as often when I am in a relationship. It probably looks to others that I disappear.
Part of it is because I can be somewhat introverted, and am more homebody than social. If I have someone built in to do things with, I'm just not as likely to expend the considerable energy it would take to set up social events with others. I will go to things if invited, but I don't tend to make the first step. When I'm single, I force myself to do it just to stay social, but when I have an SO, it's just so easy not to.
I also tend to find an SO more reliable than my friends, so it just ends up being the default to put more of my eggs in the basket of the person who's most likely to be there. I do still keep in touch with people, but I don't so much make the effort to set up regular "friend dates" when I'm involved with somebody.
I will never allow my friendships fall by the wayside for a man again. Started slipping into that place in my last relationship and I've come to the realization that my best friends are always there for me and are more significant in my life than the men I date.
i have a friend who was a long time single guy who met a girl and eventually married her. none of us have seen him since they started dating
another friend starting dating someone over a year ago. i think we have seen him twice since then rather then every week
i have also seen it happen where once the couple breaks up the friend comes back. or after the first couple months of a new relationship wear off they come back.
But I find the whole disappearing when you get involved rather strange. Has that ever happened to you?
I have six very close friends, all guys. We have been through a lot together. Although there might be some sexual tension, I know for a fact that they are not going to abandon me. They will always be there for me. I've known these people 10 plus years.
The new friends I made in real life, or on line, lol, I cannot and don't count on them at all. They ALWAYS disappear when I am in a relationship. They either ignore me completely, bash me, or want nothing to do with me. I have never changed, the only changed is my status (no longer single) So go figure.
I don't really care to be honest.
The way I see it, if they are your real friends, they will stand by you. It is good to eliminate some toxic characters in your life. You don't really need them.
I am the person who tends to turn my focal point to my SO when I am in a relationship. I don't abandon friendships or fall off the face of the earth, but I definitely don't seek out friends for socializing as often when I am in a relationship. It probably looks to others that I disappear.
i have a friend who was a long time single guy who met a girl and eventually married her. none of us have seen him since they started dating
another friend starting dating someone over a year ago. i think we have seen him twice since then rather then every week
i have also seen it happen where once the couple breaks up the friend comes back. or after the first couple months of a new relationship wear off they come back.
Of your three examples, I think the last two are fairly common, and in some ways, to be expected. If your goal is to find someone and hope to have it eventually turn into a LTR/marriage, it's normal to invest a lot of time into that person. That shows that you're serious about looking for a commitment.
It's a tough adjustment all around. Hopefully those in relationships remember the value of good friends and make time when they can. And hopefully your friends are true friends and respect that you're looking for a relationship and don't guilt you for taking time "away" from them.
It's also important to remember that as you get older, you don't have the time to hang out in the same way as you did when you were younger and had no responsibilities to anyone but yourself. At 21, you could hang out or party or whatever you did for fun, whenever it suited you. Priorities change. In your late 20s and 30s, people are generally working fulltime and are settling down, many are coupling up, starting families, being responsible for aging parents, etc. This is all a part of life, and good friends should understand that they don't come first before everything else in your life.
Same here. I was always the single girl, who was left behind when all her friends found boyfriends and had to find new friends. So when those original friends were single and I wasn't, they got angry at me for not being around. How was I supposed to feel guilty about enjoying my wonderful partner just because they were suddenly single and wanted little to nothing to do with me while they had boyfriends?
Now that I'm older, I'm single again and most of my friends are married/engaged/etc., so it's hard for me to even get them to return phone calls half the time. I know where I stand at this point, so I'm looking forward to having someone reliable in my life again. Not that I don't love my friends, but I get tired of coming in last.
Same here. I was always the single girl, who was left behind when all her friends found boyfriends and had to find new friends. So when those original friends were single and I wasn't, they got angry at me for not being around. How was I supposed to feel guilty about enjoying my wonderful partner just because they were suddenly single and wanted little to nothing to do with me while they had boyfriends?
Now that I'm older, I'm single again and most of my friends are married/engaged/etc., so it's hard for me to even get them to return phone calls half the time. I know where I stand at this point, so I'm looking forward to having someone reliable in my life again. Not that I don't love my friends, but I get tired of coming in last.
Because they do not know how to separate the two things. You can have a life outside of your SO. It's healthy to do so. Anyone who's ENTIRE life revolves around their SO has issues.
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