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People who ask these questions obviously don't even know the event on any level.. Whomever asks this were there for YOU And didn't realize the facts of your loss OP~~
This ends up getting questions about WHAT a child's short life loss versus in your head~ WHAT LIFE could have been and YEP~~ That kind of loss is truly a difficult answer!!
Anyone, regardless of how and when you lose a CHILD ( pre-birth or post birth) morns differently~~ No one should expect YOU to have explanations for that sense of loss!!
Luckily, I never lost ( to my knowledge) a pregnancy (could have been before I even knew ).. But I did lose a young adult son (41) who had children... BELIEVE me, no parent can accept losing their child ~~ It's not meant to be that way to have a child die BEFORE you do!
My empathy to you, trying to get through this unresolved pain!!
I’m sorry for the loss of your son - and thanks. Yes, the what if’s and ‘what would she be like’ thoughts haunt me. It’s hard to find other men who are in the same situation - and if they are, they are quiet about it (like I was for 2 years).
Thanks, Anna. That’s the hard part..details about her. I never knew her. I know good memories have of way of comforting a loss - but I don’t have the luxury of having memories. And I’ve had people tell me ‘well, it’s probably better it happened right away, if it was going to happen’. That is absolutely crushing to hear.
There is no good time to lose a child. What a terrible thing to say.
My husband's sister was stillborn and I know that it affected my MIL greatly. She rarely discussed it.
Many years ago, I lost my baby when I was 16 weeks pregnant. I still think about him. I think about how old he would be, what he would be doing now, etc. Once in a while, I "talk" to him. It is probably weird to some people, but it comforts me.
Do you have memories of her in the womb? Did she like to kick a lot? Did she respond to music? Etc.
It sounds as if you have not been able to grieve. I would encourage you to find a grief support group for parents. The social worker at the NICU at your local hospital might be able to steer you in the right direction.
Saying goodby is so hard. Sometimes it helps to be in the company of those who can guide you a bit and support you along the way.
Thanks - I know after almost two years, there is no easy way out. But I’m realizing I have spent the last few years being a ‘strong shoulder’ for my baby’s mom - and to help her - and in the process, I’ve lost my own grief. I also think as a man, I’m supposed to be more quiet about it. But she was the only child I’ve had - and I’m not getting any younger, so the thoughts of never being a dad come into play as well - which only makes it worse.
Helping your daughter's mother was a really good thing, but you are right - it is time for you to help yourself. My heart hurts for you. You do not need to be strong and silent. It is okay to feel grief. It is okay to need people. It is good that you are reaching out and addressing your grief. A support group may be helpful to you.
Helping your daughter's mother was a really good thing, but you are right - it is time for you to help yourself. My heart hurts for you. You do not need to be strong and silent. It is okay to feel grief. It is okay to need people. It is good that you are reaching out and addressing your grief. A support group may be helpful to you.
No, but when someone doesn’t know - and they are just making small talk, and ask if I’m a dad or how old are my kids, what can I possibly say without having to ‘explain’ - which is why I’ve just said no before, to quickly end the conversation and be on my way.
Yeah, that conversation sucks. I had a sister who died and when people find out a little about my family background it's common for them to ask if I have any birth siblings. I never know whether to just say no, which feels wrong, or to say "yes, but..." and the "yes, but..." not only stirs up rough memories but also makes for an awkward conversation. I wish people would be more thoughtful before they ask "casual" questions like this. And your version of this situation is even more fraught and doubtless comes up way more often, as "do you have kids" is a common getting-to-know-you question. I'm sorry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy
I’m sorry for the loss of your son - and thanks. Yes, the what if’s and ‘what would she be like’ thoughts haunt me. It’s hard to find other men who are in the same situation - and if they are, they are quiet about it (like I was for 2 years).
Can you seek out a support group, online or in person? It sounds like you haven't had a chance to process it fully. And it can be a comfort just to know others are dealing with the same situation.
I am so sorry. I don't know the pain of losing a child but I can only imagine it is devastating.
I think you can answer any way you feel most comfortable when you are asked questions about being a father. I would not want to get in to a long winded conversation with a store clerk, etc. If you feel more comfortable then you can be more open.
Please do get involved with a support group or get some type of therapy. It really helps to hear from people that have been in your shoes and understand what you are going through.
Sending you a big virtual hug and hopes that your grief will lessen one day.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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What you have consider is that not talking about your stillborn child isn't disloyal.
That's the whole thing. Parents of children who are deceased feel like not mentioning them, in very casual conversation, is disloyal and indicates they didn't love the child.
That's not true. If you don't mention your deceased child in casual conversations, it doesn't mean you aren't grieving and don't love your child very much. You aren't being disloyal to your child.
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