I am the closest I have been to ending it since my SO died last year.
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I'm a little surprised the therapist wasn't able to handle this better. Take the referral or find someone on your own, like you said, and continue with the hard work you were doing. Peace is on the other side of it. But don't play around at this emotional time of the year. Do it asap; just pick up the phone. And why did you refuse the referral? If they can get a quicker appointment, knowing you're at a critical time, then take it for your own wellbeing.
I'm so sorry for your loss. The one year is very hard after a year of firsts without the person you lost. You obviously need to find another therapist because you're not ready to not be in therapy.
What do you mean by this? Are you suicidal? As a therapist yourself, what would you tell your client to do in this situation? I know you have a deep loss and a lot of unresolved feelings. Trust me, I know about those as I still struggle with my dads decision 13 years later. His decision ruined my life but some how I've managed to go on. You will too.
I'm a little surprised the therapist wasn't able to handle this better. Take the referral or find someone on your own, like you said, and continue with the hard work you were doing. Peace is on the other side of it. But don't play around at this emotional time of the year. Do it asap; just pick up the phone. And why did you refuse the referral? If they can get a quicker appointment, knowing you're at a critical time, then take it for your own wellbeing.
Thank you all for your support. I refused a referral because I don't have health insurance. This therapy was provided through hospice, free of charge for an indefinite period. I will get Medicare in February and I might be able in the meantime to swing a cash payment arrangement. I am looking into that.
I can't imagine why they didn't offer me another hospice therapist unless the just didn't want me coming into their facility, period. And yes I understand all the issues mentioned including the license ones, hers and mine.
The most hurtful part is being treated as some kind of threat or bad person for expressing my feelings out loud. I could not help how my feelings developed over the past 4 months. I never planned to develop a crush to the point that it was excruciating to be in her presence and to be away from her too. It was crazy. I have had crushes and infatuations galore but never like this. Like a school girl!
Those of you who read my story over in the caregiving forum may recall the bleakness and stress involved in my rough partnership of long standingand then her terminal illness.
I never thought I would be attracted to anyone again and have feelings like I did in this therapeutic relationship. It way took over the grieving, that for sure. It provided me with nurturing and intimacy that I never had with my wife even though it was all in my bereaved and confused mind.
I miss her badly-my therapist, not my wife, and I feel extreme guilt and also profound loss.Someone I came to love who, I realize now only pretended to care about me for 10 months, is gone.
And yet I fantasize about running into her in public or her calling and saying I will see you privately, come on over. Yeah, I got it bad and I guess I do need help but I just miss knowing I will have her to talk to and help me process what I am going through.
I know it is best and necessary and such. I just feel so empty and alone now and like all the joy is gone again. Boy do i need help.
I sound like a rambling idiot and I feel like one too. :-(
You and I both know the dangers of transference and how it, even in minimal amounts, is a type of avoidance of working on the tasks of therapy. Transference can be a crutch, and a "using" of the therapist by not respecting the professional boundaries. That is not kind to the therapist or yourself. IMO, your therapist and the center did the ethical thing and helped you avoid what at best was a difficult mixing of modalities, and possibly the loss of liscensure of your therapist.
If you are in lengthy therapy, you are likely doing deep work. I applaud you for sticking with that. I hope that you are able to find a new therapist that fits and will be less of a transference object.
This^^^^^^^^^^
Please reach out to a different therapist. The therapist and supervisor did the only truly ethical thing. Deep down you know that. You can get thru this.
Thank you all for your support. I refused a referral because I don't have health insurance. This therapy was provided through hospice, free of charge for an indefinite period. I will get Medicare in February and I might be able in the meantime to swing a cash payment arrangement. I am looking into that.
I can't imagine why they didn't offer me another hospice therapist unless the just didn't want me coming into their facility, period. And yes I understand all the issues mentioned including the license ones, hers and mine.
The most hurtful part is being treated as some kind of threat or bad person for expressing my feelings out loud. I could not help how my feelings developed over the past 4 months. I never planned to develop a crush to the point that it was excruciating to be in her presence and to be away from her too. It was crazy. I have had crushes and infatuations galore but never like this. Like a school girl!
Those of you who read my story over in the caregiving forum may recall the bleakness and stress involved in my rough partnership of long standingand then her terminal illness.
I never thought I would be attracted to anyone again and have feelings like I did in this therapeutic relationship. It way took over the grieving, that for sure. It provided me with nurturing and intimacy that I never had with my wife even though it was all in my bereaved and confused mind.
I miss her badly-my therapist, not my wife, and I feel extreme guilt and also profound loss.Someone I came to love who, I realize now only pretended to care about me for 10 months, is gone.
And yet I fantasize about running into her in public or her calling and saying I will see you privately, come on over. Yeah, I got it bad and I guess I do need help but I just miss knowing I will have her to talk to and help me process what I am going through.
I know it is best and necessary and such. I just feel so empty and alone now and like all the joy is gone again. Boy do i need help.
I sound like a rambling idiot and I feel like one too. :-(
I suspect that the type of experience you are having is a lot more common than you might think. Paraphrasing it; person enters relationship that sours over time and rather than leaving, stays in that dysfunctional system where the needs for loving communication and intimacy get repressed. When the partner dies, the grief process is compounded as the dysfunction is confronted. As the person recognizes what had been missing, and as any indication of understanding and potential for intimacy occurs, that long repressed need becomes like a starving animal in search for any sustenance it can get, and systems kick in to attempt to bring that nurturing closer and more intense in any way possible.
The situation of a jilted lover being caught "on the rebound" may not be too dissimilar in some ways. A key to working through this is to recognize that the projection of all of the intensities of feeling onto a single individual, therapist or not, creates a situation where your own power is diminished, making you a supplicant to a god(ess) of your own creation. By definition, that is a "power over" relationship that at first glance seems like the person who is the carrier of the projection is in control, but in reality the projection itself dominates until it has been dissembled and properly re-integrated into your structures.
In short, the "love" you are feeling for the therapist is a love for what you see as the positive aspects of caring and nurturing that you have needed and are capable of yourself. Because you are projecting that onto someone else, you perceive that individual less than your projection.
The need to be loved is one of the most powerful human emotions. Your need for that is especially strong right now. Your tasks are to re-integrate and become whole again, and to find ways that you can be nurtured in an authentic and honest fashion.
My suggestion may seem strange and difficult, but you may find that volunteering to work with a limited number of patients at a nursing home may help, as they begin to look forward to seeing you and getting care and interaction. The nurturing you receive and get won't be that of a lover, but can offer the affirmation of your goodness and love-ability that you need too begin to heal.
If you haven't yet begun to journal, that may help as well, although waiting about three months to review the journal may be needed to keep from getting stuck. Namaste
OP....Review your mandates and the boundaries your profession calls for. Right now you are dealing in emotion....your logical self is being controlled by your pure emotion.
The best thing that you can do is to seek a different counselor. Shop...find one that has absolutely no physical attraction for you....you are at a vulnerable state. Do for yourself exactly what you'd be recommending to a client in your same shoes.
With some support and time you get yourself leveled out emotionally you'll have a bit of distance, enough to recognize that your counselor did the right and the most professional thing that she could do given your confession of personal feelings for her.
I wish you well. Take time, take space....regroup. Grief is so hard. And I am sorry for your loss.
Also, there are many grief support links online....it will help if you find supportive ways to express your grief and loss, even if it is anonymously online.....this forum is a good place as well. Peace
And why? Within 3 weeks of the one year anniversary of her passing, the grief counselor that I saw through hospice for all this time, dropped me as a client. Or rather her supervisor did. Now I have no support left to help me deal with the really hard stuff that we were dealing with in sessions.
I am a therapist myself and I know about "transference" in a therapeutic relationship, and yes, I developed romantic feelings for my therapist. A "crush", affection, whatever . I made the mistake of revealing that because I felt it was getting in the way of my work in therapy.
This was what I knew to do as a professional myself and has experienced similar with my own clients over the years. But she freaked out and told me she did not believe that she could work with me hence forth but wanted to run it by her supervisor.
The next day the supervisor called me and told me that my therapist felt "violated" and so we could not go forward. She did not offer me another therapist but said they could refer me out. I said i could find my own so no thanks.
I had previously literally begged my therapist not to drop me at this very painfully vulnerable point and she seemed to be willing to work through the issues of transference with me.
They were tied in to my previously loveless marriage and my long term caregiving issues with my spouse before she died in hospice (we were a gay couple for 30 years). So there were complicated layers to my grief. There was never any indication whatsoever of homophobia in my therapist. In fact I felt she might be gay herself though she never self revealed and I wouldn't ask.
I am just devastated over all this in the last week. She was my rock in my bereavement and yes I grew to love her for the person she was for me. But that happens in therapy sometimes.
Now I have this new loss on top of my spouse loss and I am just so so angry with myself for even opening my mouth and speaking out loud my affections. I don't think they handled my situation properly by banning me from the counseling center like I am some deviant or a threat, a "violator".
I am wallowing in pain and self anger right now. Just needed to vent and maybe get some feedback. Am shocked that it happened as i would never treat a grieving client like this. It is unethical. The least they could have done was offer me another therapist.
You should go up the chain of command at the hospice. Moderator cut: unneeded pejorative - not helpful ANY experienced therapist is familiar with and deals with transference issues--and opened themselves up to liability of a nature that tort attorneys dream about all night.
Last edited by harry chickpea; 04-23-2019 at 12:58 PM..
Thank you all for your support. I refused a referral because I don't have health insurance. This therapy was provided through hospice, free of charge for an indefinite period. I will get Medicare in February and I might be able in the meantime to swing a cash payment arrangement. I am looking into that.
As a retired therapist, I can tell you that many therapists in private practice as well as agencies will take on a pro bono client. The hourly rate for a psychologist (PhD) or Psychiatrist is going to be much higher than a Master's level practitioner (LCSW or LPC) - and there are plenty of the latter around (in fact, most talk therapy is done by Master's level practitioners today). I'd encourage you to continue searching for someone to provide you with services -- you can do a search by specialty (like grief) and location here:
Start with the Suicide prevention line, as previously suggested and go from there. People who consider suicide or actually commit suicide are often crying out for help before they take their own life. They will help you. I have limited training with the line and the people that man the line are phenomenal individuals who really care about you. The worst patients in the world are doctors and nurses since they often diagnose themselves and do more harm than good. You need to be the patient here and not the expert on yourself, y are too close to this one and doing all the analysis on yourself.
You reached out to us for help and that is great but you need to reach out to the best group that can help you through your pain. Perhaps a fraternal group or church group.
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