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We don't get to pick our parents, and sometimes we get brought here by people who just aren't equipped to give us what we need to grow up feeling loved.
I hope that, if nothing else, you understand that you couldn't make your mom love you, but you shouldn't have to either. She had problems, and you know that. But you've done really well considering all that.
My mom died unexpectedly a couple years ago, and we had problems but I miss her too. I missed her this morning when I was thinking about making a recipe that I knew she was really good at.
Your mom's problems were hers, and while it kept her from being the mom you needed, you can't let it make you think that you weren't a good enough kid for her. That's just not true.
I could not agree more. I feel for you Belle, I've too endured a life with a very difficult mother who is now 76 and not in good health due abusing herself with drugs and other addictions as your own mother did.
You left standing with the message in your mind that she saw you as a "piece of crap that would never amount to anything" is a lie that she made you believe. Please know it was nothing more than her own inadequacies as a human and a mother, as well as her ripped up soul from self medication that helped her conjure up this lie. You are what you think you are thus I caution you to never listen to the lie that you've been raised with.
Belle, I am so sorry for your loss. Not only for the loss of your mother, but for the loss of the person you could have been if she had not damaged you.
My mother was a controlling narcissist who tried to control every aspect of my life. Nothing I ever did was good enough. As bad as she was to me she was worse to my daughter, and I believe the damage she cause to both of us was a large part of my daughter became mentally ill.
When she got dementia, I put her in a facility. As the dementia progressed, she got even more demanding. I finally got to the point I had to cut off all contact with her, and for the last 2 years of her life I never saw her or spoke to her again. She died alone in a nursing home. In the meantime, my daughter and I started to finally become our own persons. We are both happily married and living our own lives on our own terms. We were free at last.
However, one of the things my mother instilled in me was guilt. Guilt for having an opinion, guilt for having fun, guilt for anything that happened that she didn't like. I have struggled with this guilt over her dying alone for years now.
What many of the above posters have said is true. You have to forgive, not just your mother, but also yourself. Believe me, I know how hard this is as I struggle with it every day. It is NOT your fault that she was the way she was, and it is NOT your fault that you had to distance yourself in order to survive.
I wish you only the best!
Last edited by harry chickpea; 09-22-2019 at 02:40 PM..
Reason: color
I was an unloved, unwanted child whose parents and sibling went out of their way each day to make certain I knew that. The abuse by all three, covered all the SUV points.
When my mother died I was devastated as any hope I had that my mother would love me was gone.
That's hard. My mother lived long enough to appreciate me. In her 70s and 80s, she needed my help. She was very thankful.
She was all in or all out. When I was young, I was either the flavor of the week or on the ***** list. You never knew what was going to happen next.
One week we'd be making apple pie, and the next she'd be forcefully slapping my head. She once told me she did that so that the neighbors and teachers wouldn't see bruises.
I'm really sorry to hear about OP's mother passing, but I am also sorry to hear that others have had problems with their own mothers.
I grew up closer to my maternal grandparents than my parents, and even today I am closer to my aunt than my mother. I do love my mother and we get along great now that I'm an adult (she battled a terrible drug addiction for years that began when I was in my teens, and continued - off and on - into my early 40s). It's my father I am estranged from, but then he was never, ever there for my brother or me. I'm not even sure that I would care if he passed away tomorrow.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace in the fact that you did what you can while she was still around.
Your last sentence stood out to me though -- you don't need to do anything to make your mother love you. Children shouldn't need to prove that they are worthy of love.
Ah, Belle. I missed this news when you came by to tell it. I'm so very sorry.
I think of you from time to time, and hope you're doing okay out there. Just know that there are people who think well of you and wish the best for your life.
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