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I was in the area yesterday, and took our son to see grandpa. This time, he seemed to be feeling really good, and even got up and walked around. We haven't seen him do that in months. Pain pump must really be helping him a lot. DH is there today.
I've been pressing him to go as often as he can, and I think he has been. He works on call, though, so it's hard to say "I'll be there Tuesday" or whatever, because there's an excellent chance it won't happen.
Thanks for all the encouraging words. They are very much apreciated. The family seems to be coming together for this ill man. DH is even trying to keep his sister, whom he cannot stand, informed. She lives near us, but her financial situation doesn't allow her to visit like she wants to. That's a whole other, dysfunctional, post... lol
We just learned yesterday that it is in his liver. He's been battling cancer on and off for nearly 5 years, and we've seen that painful decline. The last two years have been the worst. It started in his bone, then lung, and now in the liver as well. He's not always completely there mentally, which we thought might be a side effect of the medicine, combined with the lack of oxygen (his lungs are filling with fluid). He tries to be upbeat, but we can all see that he is declining fast.
He is 66, and DH will be 45 in July. Most of the men in DH's family don't make it much past their mid 60s, it seems. DH has his share of health issues, and we have a 7 year old son. My own father has battled cancer twice, the second of which was about the time my father-in-law relapsed. While I am a bit younger than my husband, I feel oddly uncomfortable with the fact that my dad recovered, and it doesn't look like his is going to. I am very close to my dad, and that was a real wake-up call for me to learn to appreciate him more, and make sure he knows it. I think DH wants to do the same for his dad, but he's so uncomfortable seeing him the way he is now, that it's getting in the way of that happening. My heart breaks for him.
Thanks so much for all the replies. They are invaluable.
~D
I'm not a doc but from the sounds of it, it won't be that much longer...probably a few months at most. (ask the doc.)
Yeah, it's a huge wakeup call...I don't know what to say...it sucks.
I just went through mothers day digging out pics of mom with the kids...trying not to cry when they were looking.
I'm serious when I say that you should take this experience as an opportunity to finally revisit your own mortality. Do you smoke? are you out of shape and get little exercise?
The way we deal with death and dying in the western world often leaves us confused and sometimes deeply hurt. Those in the East are often spared all the scary things that our religion has bestowed on us, they see death as a very natural part of living, we are to afraid to deal with the emotional remains let alone the physical ones. That said, I know that Fathers and Sons also have a great deal of friction sometimes, and this complicates the fact that one or the other of them will undoubtedly be left to wish they had done the other differently. My dad was a very complicated guy, he hated the job, the people on that job, and sometimes, we felt that he hated the whole family. When he got sick I went to his home and tried to initiate some kind of final understanding of him through conversation, but he wanted to watch TV sports instead. He died before I could get him to open up and say the things he couldn't or wouldn't say when I was young, and I know this has bothered me ever since. the best we can do as Men of another generation is try very hard to not be like our fathers who were distanced from family and friends. I recently lost my Wife to Cancer, I feel that loss every day, because of her death I know now that we will mourn the hardest for those we spent the most time with. In the case of estrangement between Sons and Fathers, I can only say that we will go on to fulfill our own destiny with or without the person who was an enigma in our lives. I feel badly for your husband because his Father was obviously not the Dad that he would have chosen had he had any choice in the matter. When Fathers and Sons part company for the final time it leaves a huge gap in the Son's ability to gain any understanding of the past, all those why's, they don't go away for a long time. Yes, our own mortality is also at the door now, peering in to see if our soul may be ready for it's own journey. We step into that breach, not knowing what to expect, if we're lucky, our children will be ready and able to help us through our own dying, it's all in the realm of natural life, but the degree of remorse felt by those who survive us is often softened by our own actions as we live out our years.
My dad battled prostate cancer for five years. At the time of his diagnosis, it had metasticized to his spine and all his bones. He was told he had one good year left. He fought up until the day his oncologist said it was time to give up. He died in August at age 75. He was home surrounded by family.
I was very close to my dad. I am the youngest of six kids. He would often visit me (at least one a month) and help me out with projects around my house. He said "It's nice to be needed" everytime I thanked him for his help.
He didn't want anyone making a fuss over him. He knew we all loved him and we knew he loved all of us. Didn't want to make his last days sad and gloomy.
My best coping mechanism when I'm having a bad day is to think of what he would say to me. What advice he might have to get me through my low moments. I've decided it's okay for me to have a bad day, or to have a few moments to cry now and then. What's important is to keep on living....no matter how hard it might seem. My family and I keep my dad's memory alive by talking about him, listening to his favorite songs, watching his favorite movies, eating his favorite meals, etc.
Something that perhaps your husband (and maybe you too) could take from all of this is to commit to your annual medical exams to catch any cancers early.
Best of luck (and good health) to you and your family.
I think it's important that you and your DH take advantage of this time to make the most of the relationship with his Dad and to say all the things that you need to say before the end arrives.
I lost my Mom last year. Just three months before she died, her and my dad joined my family on a cruise. Things were cool. Since then, she was diagnosed with cancer and started a regular chemo program which was soon challenged by the invasion of pneumonia. She went to the hospital for tests and never left.
What started out as "Mom will be alright and going home in a few days" turned into "she's not reacting to this treatment or that procedure" to "she'll probably go into hospice if things don't improve" to "get up here; it doesn't look good" in just a matter of days.
After we got the call to "get up there", I loaded the family in the car and raced toward their location (4 hour drive). We weren't even halfway up there when I got the call saying it was over.
Thankfully, I got to speak to her on the phone the night before she died. We had no idea things would turn so bad and so quickly the very next day. I got to wish her well and tell her that I love her. That gave me a little peace. But, there is still much more I wanted to tell her before she left.
So again my advice is to communicate now while you can. I think that will make the inevitable easier to handle when it happens.
We're going up again this weekend, as a family this time, because DH's uncle, whom he has not seen for 20+ years, will be visiting his dad. He was doing really well the last time we saw him, and has been emailing regularly again as well, which is a good sign. Perhaps he can rest comfortably.
Thanks again for the wonderful stories and kind words. It's so nice to remember that we're not alone in this. Others have walked where we are, and are walking still.
My Father was a truly great man who was often our only stability in our small family.
He had a long and slow illness culminating in a few years of pretty much inability to move around and care for himself before death. We are older and not a demonstrative family. I am easily embarrassed and very squeamish. I did not spend much time with him the last 10 years and I'm sure it hurt him very much. Huge hugh regrets on my part.
Your husband may have very enduring reasons for not being close to his father that can't be overcome, maybe shouldn't be overcome.
But if you are looking for ways to help him, I think that helping him figure out what level he wants to reconnect to his father before death, and supporting him in that is something that you can do so that his regrets are limited. Grief is something I think we all bear pretty much alone.
Both my parents passed from complications related to C. My father went first and I was there until his last breath with my mother. When my mother passed I was 400 miles away. DH needs support and doesn't need advice at this point. Does DH feel that he can let go at this point as everything that needed to be said has been said? Does he feel his father can go in peace in relation to himself?
Please don't press DH, he needs to do things at his own speed. As to his sister, she will do what she will do. Just be aware that from the day his father passes on to a few days after the funeral he will be on an emotional roller coaster. Men deal with death differently than women. Just remember support is the key and he will need his space. You may find him in a room by himself crying, let him be. If he wants support he will give you a sign.
Both my parents passed from complications related to C. My father went first and I was there until his last breath with my mother. When my mother passed I was 400 miles away. DH needs support and doesn't need advice at this point. Does DH feel that he can let go at this point as everything that needed to be said has been said? Does he feel his father can go in peace in relation to himself?
Please don't press DH, he needs to do things at his own speed. As to his sister, she will do what she will do. Just be aware that from the day his father passes on to a few days after the funeral he will be on an emotional roller coaster. Men deal with death differently than women. Just remember support is the key and he will need his space. You may find him in a room by himself crying, let him be. If he wants support he will give you a sign.
I am sorry to hear how you lost your parents. It must've been very hard for you.
The advice you give is good. This is kind of waht I am expecting to happen, and what I'm planning to do. Yes, both he and his dad seem to be at peace with everything.
My girlfriend's( going out for 4 years) Mom passed away 2 months ago with cancer. Her and the family are finding it hard and they are just starting to grief. She now feels responsible to look after her dad. As a result she asked for space to think, i gave her that.
A few weeks later she rang me up and said she didn't think it was over and missed me. 2 weeks later we met up and i was expecting to make a go of it but now she wants to split up because she feels it isnt fair on me to wait for her to sort things out in her head. I now feel heart broken, but respect my girlfriends decision. We talked for a few hours and she seems to think that we might have missed the boat with our relationship but 12 months of that was dealing with her mums illness.
She seems to be analyzing our relationship and picking minor things to justify splitting up. She still wants to be friends but not sure if thats is a good thing for me but i feel i cant give up on supporting her or being there. I realise I have to just get out and about and get on with my life too. but she also thinks that something could come out of it eventually once things back to normal but she cant be sure
Life can be so sh1tty sometimes.
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