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Any parent who has lost a child is inconsolable and will NEVER get over that loss. However, over time she may be able to heal and get back to some sort of normal life again. Each person has their own way and own time that they cope with that sort of loss. My wife and I lost a son back in 2007. She grieved for two years before she was able to actually talk about him without breaking down. I blocked the grieving process and didn't cope with it until later on.
The only thing you can do is be there when she wants to talk. This past Friday a neighbor of ours lost their son to cancer, just two days before Mother's Day. He was a friend and classmate of our daughter, and such a brave child. The mother wanted to talk to my wife, maybe because she had already been through this and just needed to talk to someone who understands. Even though my wife knows what she's going through she still doesn't know what to say. All you can do is listen and be there for them when they need you.
My eight year old daughter died four years ago next month. I will never get over that loss. There is nothing like it.
The thing about losing a child is that if you never get to talk about them, nobody knows they ever existed. You could try asking general questions about her son and then just listening without trying to lead the conversation.
That's a good idea........but I worry that if I start talking about him, it might make her cry again.
I lost my beloved wife 14 years ago. Only a very few people were kind enough to bring her up in conversation so I could talk about her. Yeah, I cried. I felt great about it. One old high school friend of hers called me out of the blue one afternoon to say she was sorry to hear of her death. We talked for two hours. She didn't know it (I don't think), but I cried the whole damn time. I don't remember the gal's name, but I'll never forget her kindness to me, just talking about my wife's younger years before I knew her and listening to me talk about her years with me.
Don't be afraid of her tears. Many of them are tears of joy while remembering the good times. I'd ask her if she'd mind telling you about her son. If she says she'd rather not, just tell her that if she ever changes her mind to let you know.
A female friend of mine at the job lost her young son last year. She told me that yesterday on Mother's Day she cried all day because she is still mourning his loss. I told her I'd pray for her and held her hand very briefly and tried to comfort her that way. What else can/should I do to make her feel better?
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Originally Posted by Lucario
That's a good idea........but I worry that if I start talking about him, it might make her cry again.
Allowing her to grieve her son is the most important way you can comfort her. Just be there. You cannot make her feel better. Nothing will ever take away that pain. Time will lessen the pain - and that in itself may bring about guilt which will make the pain stronger.
Grief takes each person along a different path. Some recover faster, some never do. It has been my experience that those who have lost young children never completely recover.
My husband lost his then 4 yr old son due to hospital error. This was 14 years ago. While the mother seems to have been able to push his death to the seldom visited corners of her mind, my husband has not. He thinks of his son daily. Some days it's pleasant memories of the joy his son brought and other days it's guilt that he didn't somehow save his son. Some days he finds the pain very fresh and cutting.
It's difficult to sit by and know I cannot ease his pain. He needs to experience his pain and I allow this. He knows I am there - he knows we can and will talk about his son. He knows I will listen.
My husband is not the only one I have given grief counseling. There's nothing to do, actually. Listen. Be there. Hold hands if wanted. If/when the time comes that she wants to share about her child, she will tell you that.
Understand that there's nothing you can do, don't try to find words - there aren't any. Be soft, be gentle. Just be. There.
I would tell her "I'm here for you if you want to talk about it". That way the ball's in her court and she can do what she is comfortable with. You are already a good listener, that's what friends are for.
Having lost a son myself, what helped me was the friends that were just THERE. It did help me to talk about him. I had a friends that also lost her son a few years before I lost mine and we use to talk for hours about them both. You are helping, just by being there! Don't be uncomfortable if she crys, she lost a son and has the right to cry when ever she wants to. Just be with her while she crys and when she don't. Just being there for her is something she will never forget, even if you just sit there quietly.
"Grief is nature's biggest aphrodisiac" ~ Will Ferrell from the wedding crashers
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