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A thing I've noticed is that people don't have patience for "invisible" disorders. If you lose a spouse to cancer, the effect is immediate and obvious, and friends and family will support you for awhile, but even then you don't get the support you need for as long as you need it unless you're not that sad to begin with. If you get a divorce, they're sorry for you for about 3 weeks and then you're expected to suck it up and go on--I had my ex and some others tell me to get over it 6 weeks after he dropped the bomb after 23 years of marriage. So if people are this impatient with disasters they can see and hear, what do you think they're going to do about a disorder that ruins your life, but in ways that can't be felt by anyone but you? And they will say the first thing that comes to their minds b/c they just can't deal with it and since they can't deal with it and they feel guilty, they will blame you.
And then there is the class of people who firmly believe that the way they see and feel the world is the way everyone does, or ought to at least. So they look at your situation and reason that they would not be unhappy if they were in your shoes so really you shouldn't be either and the sooner you can get over it, the better off you will be. There are very many people in the world who are like this.
yes, i have definitely encountered both instances....but i have had ALOT of bad stuff happen in the past three years and most of the people who remain close to me sort of say, "no wonder". then again, they tend to lean on the "get over it" side of things by saying, "you HAVE to do that at some point". eh, yeah, but when things hit you like a lightning bolt several times a year for a few years, and you barely get over one thing when another comes caterwauling at you- and then you get into this massive "not sure if i can get over all this" mode where everything, even the smallest disappointment, sort of glues itself to this massive ball of f&%k, and getting over it is no longer an option.....then, well, getting PAST it is the thing you seem to be busiest with. the sorting it out will just have to wait.
just keeping up with things like earning money, eating, keeping clean while balancing traumas compounded by a temperament that tends to depression is a full time job. and THEN, they think you can't be doing that bad if you can keep up. you aren't sitting there with crumbs all over your face watching soap operas. you are making great strides in some areas. there is every reason to believe you can move past it. because it doesn't even LOOK like you are, in the words of marianne faithfull, "a woman in the midst of a very big pickle".
its funny because when i went to the pot doc for my recommendation when i was living in LA (don't hate, people, its cheaper than antidepressants and allows me to focus on the better instead of letting my mind run on over the bad stuff) he was convinced i was bipolar. and i really took offense at that.
from my experience and readings, it seems to me that to be bi-polar, one must have mania in there. and mania seems to be defined by people doing completely irresponsible stuff. overbuying, maxing out their credit cards, sleeping with all and sundry, staying up for days, going up and down in a mad cycle and then crashing into depression.
and i have never, ever been like that. i am never indiscriminate, never spend money, and even in the depths of my greatest depression i manage to pay my bills, never had a credit card, and even if i feel like dying my laundry is done. and it takes such an effort to do all this when i get into a black mood that really, i would LOVE to be manic. you know? i would love to just say "screw it" and NOT put the rug just so, not feel such a responsibility to myself. if i miss a day of exercise i brood over it. if my car isn't spotless or needs an oil change it gets done, even if i am planning my suicide in the waiting room of the Jiffy Lube. And i work on my films and videos EVERY day. i am very self disciplined and tough on myself, and i often think, "if i could manage to really get rid of this, all this energy i have could be used for more than simply maintaining".
so when people tell you to get over it, or "if i were in your shoes", etc., you just want to crack open your mind for them and show them all those dark spots, and how much effort you put into to fighting them off. and then they would get it. but they just can't see it. its invisible, and silent.
What some don't understand is there's a difference between being depressed due to outside forces and clinical depression. Examples of the first kind include not making the cheerleading squad, not making the team, laid off of work, having a bad day. With clinical depression, I'm always a little depressed even when I have a good day. But some days my depression would get so bad that I didn't want to be around anyone, even myself. I'd gotten to the point of having my suicide planned out in precise detail. I do building maintenance (boiler room) for an eleven story hospital. That means I have keys to access the roof. When I realized I was getting this far, I sought help. When the counselor asked about suicide and I told him my plan he looked shocked at how close I was to going through with it. Was prescribed medication and counseling sessions. I got better and better. My sessions got further and further apart. There's still a hint of depression but it's more manageable and allows me to function at work and home. Coworkers and family really noticed a difference.
What some don't understand is there's a difference between being depressed due to outside forces and clinical depression. Examples of the first kind include not making the cheerleading squad, not making the team, laid off of work, having a bad day. With clinical depression, I'm always a little depressed even when I have a good day. But some days my depression would get so bad that I didn't want to be around anyone, even myself. I'd gotten to the point of having my suicide planned out in precise detail. I do building maintenance (boiler room) for an eleven story hospital. That means I have keys to access the roof. When I realized I was getting this far, I sought help. When the counselor asked about suicide and I told him my plan he looked shocked at how close I was to going through with it. Was prescribed medication and counseling sessions. I got better and better. My sessions got further and further apart. There's still a hint of depression but it's more manageable and allows me to function at work and home. Coworkers and family really noticed a difference.
i would be really interested in knowing what you were prescribed. like some others have noted here, sometimes meds DO work. like i said, i have "self medicated" for years and its the only thing that runs out the demons. it enables me to focus on whats at hand instead of the shadows always there. and my sister took antidepressants for a while, but had some really bad experiences. when i took ortho trycyclate for birth control, it really did a HORRIBLE number on me, plunging me into one of my worse periods within a month. i am very sensitive to all types of medications and i have always been afraid of what i would have to go through if i decided to take the real meds route. would i survive the chemical funhouse before i found the right one?
that's a pretty amazing story. alot of people wouldn't have reached out at that moment. call me crazy, but did your "plan" give you strange kind of comfort? when i have planned it out on occasion, it sort of made me feel better. its like knowing you have a one way ticket to somewhere else, but you can cash it in anytime you like.
It was a way out, an escape. If I were fired during that time, even without my keys, I knew how to get to the roof. I had been prescribed a medication through my GP doctor. It helped somewhat but I still had some depression and fits of anger and frustration. Sat with a counselor for an hour or two and was eventually prescribed Zoloff. Must stress that, as with any other medication, what works for one won't always work on or for another. It worked for me, that doesn't mean it's going to work for you. I'm glad it is working. I work full time on a harsh rotating shift schedule (7 on, 2 off, 7 on, 2 off, 6 on, 4 off, repeat rotation), wife's spinal chronic pain is getting worse, and her 86 year old father lives with us and I may have to start bathing him since her siblings seem to no longer be willing to help anymore.
A thing I've noticed is that people don't have patience for "invisible" disorders. If you lose a spouse to cancer, the effect is immediate and obvious, and friends and family will support you for awhile, but even then you don't get the support you need for as long as you need it unless you're not that sad to begin with. If you get a divorce, they're sorry for you for about 3 weeks and then you're expected to suck it up and go on--I had my ex and some others tell me to get over it 6 weeks after he dropped the bomb after 23 years of marriage. So if people are this impatient with disasters they can see and hear, what do you think they're going to do about a disorder that ruins your life, but in ways that can't be felt by anyone but you? And they will say the first thing that comes to their minds b/c they just can't deal with it and since they can't deal with it and they feel guilty, they will blame you.
And then there is the class of people who firmly believe that the way they see and feel the world is the way everyone does, or ought to at least. So they look at your situation and reason that they would not be unhappy if they were in your shoes so really you shouldn't be either and the sooner you can get over it, the better off you will be. There are very many people in the world who are like this.
I haven't read all of the postings, but once I was distraught over a break-up and my Aunt said "don't be a sad person, be a happy person". In general, I think this phrase has some meaning, but not to a person in the midst of suffering. I thought it was far off base. She also told me that she had "written off" my older sister "for life" because she realized she was a very unhappy person and, you know, can't have any of that.
I haven't read all of the postings, but once I was distraught over a break-up and my Aunt said "don't be a sad person, be a happy person". In general, I think this phrase has some meaning, but not to a person in the midst of suffering. I thought it was far off base. She also told me that she had "written off" my older sister "for life" because she realized she was a very unhappy person and, you know, can't have any of that.
It sounds like she was living in la-la land and not much there for you guys.
When my sister was dealing with cancer she hated it when people said God doesn't give you more than you can handle, so this cancer was from God because he knew she could take it?? The other classic "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." People just say these things without even thinking.
When my sister was dealing with cancer she hated it when people said God doesn't give you more than you can handle, so this cancer was from God because he knew she could take it?? The other classic "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." People just say these things without even thinking.
Actually... As someone who suffered from suicidal depression and PTSD for 25+ years, came THIS CLOSE to suicide 3 times, spent time in a hospitalization program, and eventually came out on the other side, I happen to believe in both of those statements! I believed in them when I was eyeballs-deep in the depression, and I believe in them now.
Which is why I never know what to say to a depressive, even though I've been there/done that. What resonates for one person doesn't resonate for another, and the journey to recovery is HIGHLY individualized.
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