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This may initially seem like it belongs over in mental health but bear with me, I'm really asking about finding a girlfriend; my lousy body is unfortunately part of the story.
So, I'm a 29 y.o. male heterosexual virgin, blah blah. The entirety of my experience with women was three dates with the same chick I met off Okcupid last year; she flinched whenever I so much as brushed up against her and wouldn’t shut up about Dr. Who and steampunk conventions. I wanted to bludgeon her.
I've had a late start with dating because, generally speaking, my life is a ****. Since I was 4 or 5, I’ve been legitimately mentally ill. It didn’t start all at once; the obsessive compulsive disorder was the original problem. My first real memories are of imagining myself cutting off my own face with a knife. This would continue nonstop and I really felt like I should do it I invented rituals of repetition to distract from the compulsions and ended up in therapy throughout elementary school. Needless to say, I never made any little friends; even the teachers thought I was completely nuts. Each year, it was the same suggestions that I be sent to a 'special school'.
In junior high, the migraines started in. Those could drop me for days at a time with the blindness and nausea alone but far worse was the bipolar disorder which surfaced as well. The depressions caused me to miss months of school and were accompanied by suicidal ideations. The manic phases feel good but I can never tell when I’m in one;their downside is that I become self-destructive. I’ve cursed out teachers and professors, smashed up the cars of people who pissed me off, shoplifted, the works.
High school, I developed Crohn’s disease and the attendant arthritis in my knees and shoulders, plus rashes and ulcers on my face and back. I missed a couple years because I was in the hospital and I went permanently bald from the Prednisone I was given, which really was the last straw.
By college, I think something in my brain must have melted, because I started getting panic attacks constantly, 24/7. To this day, ten years later, if I don’t take a Klonopin every 6-8 hours, I start to feel as if I can’t control my body and (hopefully) pass out from hyperventilation soon after. I managed to get a Master's online, though by the time I was done I had suffered three nervous breakdowns.
Oh, I have severe asthma and I’m sterile too.
So, as you might imagine, all of that hampered my social skills a bit. I’ve been in therapy for 20 odd years; pills have stabilized me a bit but they have their nasty side effects. I have absolutely no energy (I’ve fallen asleep at stoplights and in the middle of conversations), frequently dizzy, very low metabolism, and lower than normal libido.
I feel trapped. I work two jobs, seven days a week, for a pittance (despite my graduate degree, in this field, I will barely break 20K this year). I’ve been looking for a full-time position for several years now but haha, no. The energy drain from sixteen pills makes job hunting virtually impossible on top of real work. I have no ‘free time’, no ‘social life’, certainly no friends. If you were to track my movements, it would be a straight line from work to bed for four years. Hell, I haven’t even left the city in more than a decade. I get sick so often that my vacation time always has to be used up recovering.
What prompted me to sign up here was this winter break. Now I didn’t actually get much time off, just a three day weekend but it was enough to allow me to think about myself and plunge back into a quasi-depressive state. I realized that I am profoundly miserable and terrified. I don’t want to lose any more of my mind, I need to stay in control but every time I’m alone I can feel myself slipping. I need someone to anchor me, to distract me from myself. I need to be normal or as normal as possible but I don’t know how. I seriously don’t know what I have to offer a girl besides a tremendous amount of pain if she got close to me.
Sorry, that was rambling and I don't know if I even made a point in there but I'll be damned if I go back and edit it. This should maybe be moved to mental health, I don't even know.
You should feel proud of yourself that you've accomplished getting a Master's degree and that you are able to work two jobs despite your ailments. If that's not determination, I don't know what is.
I know that you said that you're on meds and that you've been going to therapy. Do you think that you are making any sort of progress? Is it possible to talk to your doctor to get your meds tweaked? Is your therapist helping, or do you think you need a new one?
Sorry I don't have much advice to offer. I was going to suggest even a support group so that you can meet other people that can identify with what you are going through. Frankly, I wouldn't even worry about what you have to offer a girl right now. Build a support system for yourself, and then take it from there.
What prompted me to sign up here was this winter break. Now I didn’t actually get much time off, just a three day weekend but it was enough to allow me to think about myself and plunge back into a quasi-depressive state.
Do you mean City-Data? That seems an odd choice because I am not sure how this forum can really help. Sorry for your troubles but I bet there are some good things in your life you have forgotten to mention.
Do you mean City-Data? That seems an odd choice because I am not sure how this forum can really help. Sorry for your troubles but I bet there are some good things in your life you have forgotten to mention.
I tried to cast a wide net as far as seeking advice. You folks here all seem to have your heads screwed on straight, which is more than I can say for a lot of the relationship and support forums I looked at. I mean, PUAs, misogynists, weird little cliques; if I can pick up that kind of vibe just by visiting for 5 minutes, they might have something a bit wrong with them.
And yes, I do have my dogs . Five of them, which in retrospect is both a terrible idea (these are not small dogs) and likely illegal but they were all rescues and just so cute.
Your post was full of history, so let's eliminate everything that happened in the past because your job is to live in the present.
You are medicated for your mental health issues so let's assume those are under control.
So that leaves just a few barriers to dating and finding happiness:
1. Chronic physical health issues (Crohn's and asthma) If these are controlled through medication we can cross them off the list. If not, try some new therapies until they are controlled. Above all, take special care of your body through diet and exercise to minimize attacks.
2. Physical appearance. Well one thing you have going for you is that you are young! You had 3 dates with a weird girl, but the fact is, someone found you attractive. Weirdness does not preclude taste. Work that bald head and hit the gym.
3. Get your energy level up through physical activity, even a little will pay off.
Yes, I know you are tired as a result of your pills, but have you ever done a medication vacation? Those drugs are all interacting together and causing side effects and problems. Work with your doctor to take a break and see what drugs you really need. Consider alternative therapies like acupuncture and chiropractic for some of your problems. You don't have to live like this.
4. Working too much and still being broke. Have you evern seen a career counselor? Explore your strengths, weaknesses and limitations. I suspect there are opportunities out there you would enjoy exploring that pay a hella better than 20K and give you more free time. Maybe even something you can do from home, like teaching in an online environment.
Well, I am strictly an amateur advice-monger so this is the best I can do right out of the gate. Perhaps others can add on or edit this short list based on their own experiences...
Nothing will change unless YOU change, OP, that is the bottom line.
Well, I think you're a very good advice-monger, zen .
What you've outlined sounds like a pretty workable program. The only thing I can't do is change the meds; I've tried that, tried alternative medicine as well and I ended up getting a lot worse. It took close to a year and additional medication to pull me out of the tailspin. Almost ended up like poor David Foster Wallace, although I hated his books, so maybe no big loss there.
But yeah, I think you're right. Exercise and a job outside my field are probably the first steps. Much as I enjoy my field (I'm a librarian, btw), years of searching seems to confirm that no entry level positions exist here and I don't think relocating from my little safe zone of Miami would go over too well with my brain.
I think I just needed someone to confirm to me which was the right path.
No but really, I mostly sit on the desk and deal with people's problems all day. Things varying from how to use the databases to how to use the scanners to how to use the mouse.
I'm working at a couple college libraries now but I was at the downtown public library and a research library in the Everglades before that and the jobs there were a lot different. Downtown saw a tremendous number of very sick people come in and any compassion you might have for them quickly runs out in their actual presence, when you have to deal with their manias, and dementias, and violent delusions. I got a lifetimes worth of horrible stories out of that place and it definately reinforced for me why mental illness carries the stigma that it does.
Nobody wanted to be with these people, nobody wanted to help them. I sure as hell couldn't wait to get away from the place every day; I hated them and not just because they could be a reflection of myself, groping twistedly at any woman stupid enough to come near the library. Also, because they smelled bad enough to make a skunk vomit.
I certainly don't think I'm any better than the homeless though, just luckier. If it wasn't for constant psychiatric and parental support, I'd be among them in days. Done typing now.
Write. That's my answer to most things. At the minimum, you have a story to tell. I read all the way through your post. It sounds like a rough draft for a query letter. Save it.
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. Five of them, which in retrospect is both a terrible idea (these are not small dogs) and likely illegal but they were all rescues and just so cute.
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