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Feeling sorry for ourselves is definitely part of the grief process. But what happens when people get stuck in chronic self-pity?...Some people argue that they've had it "worse" than anyone else. And somehow this entitles them to "special breaks" in life...As if everyone "owes them" something to make-up for what they went through in the past. Have you ever been around people like this?...To be honest they seem like "bottomless pits" because nothing makes them happy for long. "Enough" is never really "enough" to "fill them up" or make-up for the injustices (and misfortunes) they feel they experienced in the past...People like this don't really want to "get well" or be happier... Too often they just want to "stay mad" and "play victim" and "take revenge." Sad! Sad for them and sad for the people around them!...Grief is a process to me. I don't want to live the rest of my life in "limbo!" Eventually I'm going to have to "cut my losses" and "walk away!" I'm going to have to play "Humpty Dumpty" and "piece myself" back together again and move on to a brand new life minus my husband. (Whether I feel like it or not!)
Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and son along with your other son's current health issues....I cannot even imagine.
I lost my dad last fall; he was only 60yo and died of a major heart attack in the front doorway of his home. He had been having heart attacks for about 6 months prior to the last one. His heart condition was exacerbated by alcoholism. He really started going downhill after he'd had a heart attack at work, almost a year ago now. At a job he'd had for 20 years; he lost his job along with his medical insurance.
For about the first month or so after he passed away, I couldn't concentrate on
anything. That has gotten better but I know the situation is still impacting me. My boss's boss thought she was being nice the other day and told me "Everyone gets old and dies one day. You are still doing a really good job but we know this is still impacting you. You have to think about other things in your life you should be grateful for." Huh?
I'm not the kind of person who complains at work or even speaks much of my personal life. Her comments really came out of left field. I have been surprised by some things people have said to me and chalked many of the strange ones up to awkwardness, not knowing what else to say, etc. But four months after the fact I found her comments callous. I guess people think a person should get over things readily as those things we're grieving are now in the past.
Like you, I try to maintain a good attitude, some days are easier than others.
PurePugx3...I'm so sorry you lost your Dad. Sorry about the insensitive comments...You're right. Some people just don't know what to say. Guess they feel they are doing us a favor by telling us to "toughen up" and "move on" and "get over it" fast etc. (As if we are stupid little kids who need to be lectured and told what to do!)...When my Dad died I went through vertigo for about 3 weeks or so. My husband was alive back then and he helped me get through all of it. He didn't make me feel like a "nut case" for going through grief and having emotions etc..He was "there" for me when everyhone else died too. Unfortunately he went on to die himself. Sad!..Thanks for taking the time to post. I'm so sorry you lost your Dad. I hope you have some supportive and "feeling" people in your life.
Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and son along with your other son's current health issues....I cannot even imagine.
I lost my dad last fall; he was only 60yo and died of a major heart attack in the front doorway of his home. He had been having heart attacks for about 6 months prior to the last one. His heart condition was exacerbated by alcoholism. He really started going downhill after he'd had a heart attack at work, almost a year ago now. At a job he'd had for 20 years; he lost his job along with his medical insurance.
For about the first month or so after he passed away, I couldn't concentrate on
anything. That has gotten better but I know the situation is still impacting me. My boss's boss thought she was being nice the other day and told me "Everyone gets old and dies one day. You are still doing a really good job but we know this is still impacting you. You have to think about other things in your life you should be grateful for." Huh?
I'm not the kind of person who complains at work or even speaks much of my personal life. Her comments really came out of left field. I have been surprised by some things people have said to me and chalked many of the strange ones up to awkwardness, not knowing what else to say, etc. But four months after the fact I found her comments callous. I guess people think a person should get over things readily as those things we're grieving are now in the past.
Like you, I try to maintain a good attitude, some days are easier than others.
A comment like that is all about how THEY are uncomfortable with your grief.
The weirdest comment I ever heard was at my brother's funeral. My mother was the "mayor's representative" on the library board in our small town. She'd told the the board and the mayor that she would have quit that role to take care of my brother in his last months.
So there's my mother, standing in front of her son's casket, and the mayor (who had lost a son of her own in an accident some years earlier) comes up to my mother and says she is sorry for her loss and then says, "But now maybe you'll be able to come back to the library board!"
A comment like that is all about how THEY are uncomfortable with your grief.
The weirdest comment I ever heard was at my brother's funeral. My mother was the "mayor's representative" on the library board in our small town. She'd told the the board and the mayor that she would have quit that role to take care of my brother in his last months.
So there's my mother, standing in front of her son's casket, and the mayor (who had lost a son of her own in an accident some years earlier) comes up to my mother and says she is sorry for her loss and then says, "But now maybe you'll be able to come back to the library board!"
That last sentence is just awful. The Mayor has no sympathy or couth.When my dad died in 2004 some of my dad's relatives that my mom had not seen in years came up to my mom and asked her what she was doing at the wake... they thought my parents had gotten divorced. What nerve! Then a neighbor friend of my mom's said "sorry for your loss, now you are free" WTF!!!! I know my dad was not an easy person to get along with but my mom still loved him in spite of that. Who says these things to people who are grieving??? Some people should open their mouth and insert their foot. I sware when the time comes for my mom to join my dad (I hope not for another 20 years) if anyone dares to say something off color to me I may just fly off the handle.
After my spouse died, I got a card from my aunt. She's 89 years old and not in the best of health herself. Her husband, my mom's brother, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about the same time my husband was. My uncle is still alive -- for which I am thankful, despite the fact that my husband didn't survive despite the same treatment etc. My uncle is a great guy and I love him to pieces.
So in my aunt's Christmas card (she never contacted me after my husband died), she told me that his death "was so hard for me to take" because of my uncle, "who is still in remission, thank God."
I've decided to chalk it up to the fact that she's old, and failing, and worried about my uncle; I never did tell my mom or my sister or anyone else in the family about the card.
But ... I was so tempted to write her back along these lines: "Dear Aunt _____: I'm so sorry _____'s death has distressed you so. I do wish I'd have done more to prevent him from dying in order to spare you. Love, your niece, ______."
That last sentence is just awful. The Mayor has no sympathy or couth.When my dad died in 2004 some of my dad's relatives that my mom had not seen in years came up to my mom and asked her what she was doing at the wake... they thought my parents had gotten divorced. What nerve! Then a neighbor friend of my mom's said "sorry for your loss, now you are free" WTF!!!! I know my dad was not an easy person to get along with but my mom still loved him in spite of that. Who says these things to people who are grieving??? Some people should open their mouth and insert their foot. I sware when the time comes for my mom to join my dad (I hope not for another 20 years) if anyone dares to say something off color to me I may just fly off the handle.
After my spouse died, I got a card from my aunt. She's 89 years old and not in the best of health herself. Her husband, my mom's brother, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about the same time my husband was. My uncle is still alive -- for which I am thankful, despite the fact that my husband didn't survive despite the same treatment etc. My uncle is a great guy and I love him to pieces.
So in my aunt's Christmas card (she never contacted me after my husband died), she told me that his death "was so hard for me to take" because of my uncle, "who is still in remission, thank God."
I've decided to chalk it up to the fact that she's old, and failing, and worried about my uncle; I never did tell my mom or my sister or anyone else in the family about the card.
But ... I was so tempted to write her back along these lines: "Dear Aunt _____: I'm so sorry _____'s death has distressed you so. I do wish I'd have done more to prevent him from dying in order to spare you. Love, your niece, ______."
I am sorry about your husband, Ohiogirl81. Yes, that is a little off to say to the widow. Geez.
I remember on one of these threads someone said a person in their office lost a child, and someone else in the office piped up and told her she knew how she felt because her dog had recently died.
When my Mom died a lot of people (in her church) said that it was "God's will" for her to die and leave etc. I know this is a common thing to say. I know they meant well and were trying to comfort me in their own way...I cut them "slack" and "thanked them" for caring. But I was happy when I ran into someone who said: "I'm sorry you lost your Mother so unexpectedly. I know it must be rough for you. I'm sure going to miss your Mom too. I'm glad I had a chance to know her. " (Or something like this.) Something straight-forward versus relying on "slogans" like "God's will" etc. How do you feel about it?
This is a quote that has been taught to me and I am sure many of you have heard this:
"honor the person and treat them with repsect when they are alive because once they are gone it's too late". My mom's friend at work's husband has stage 4 lung cancer. He's moving along slowly and is able to take himself to chemo treatments. She is so stressed over his Illness that she said to my mom "I wish he was dead already" my mom said watch what you wish for because in the end you might regret it. I understand what her friend meant, but she also does not handle stress well and has admitted she does not like to be a "caregiver". it's not for everyone.I once said that about my uncle when he was suffering with his diabetes, there were so many times he could have died but always came back because he had a will to live, I said it my mom and she agreed because he suffered so much at the end before he died and the mere fact that his wife picked up and left him a year earlier with the 2 kids made it more difficult. We never meant it unkindly , we just wanted him to be at peace and in a better place. We miss him alot. Have you ever found yourself saying stuff like that and then realize that it was not a nice thing to say even thouh you did not mean it to sound so heartless???
lubby...Good post. Lots of "food for thought!"...Some chronically ill people still hold on to a degree of dignity and try to show caring and consideration for the people around them...And other people get really bogged-down in self-pity and anger and can "blame the world" and everyone around them for their condition and "suffering." Have you noticed this?...It's sad (and hard) to watch someone we care about suffer and suffer. (And not be able to help them.)...This is why some pet owners decide to put their dogs or cats "to sleep" to "end their suffering" for them. But we can't do this per se with people. We have to wait until it's their time to go. (Guess we can take someone off life support.)...Anyway none of it is easy. Nobody wants to see their loved ones "suffer." My husband was totally active up until the very last day of his life. Of course he had to deal with chemo and a couple or surgeries. But he was such a positive person. He didn't want to play "suffering martyr" and turn bitter or angry. He wanted to enjoy life and be active and have fun right up until the very end. (And he was able to make it happen.)...My son has been through ups and downs with his brain tumors. Sometimes it "gets the best of him" and he has to "vent." But all in all he looks for reasons to be happy every day "no matter what!" He still experiences joy in life even though he may never walk on his own ever again. He's a "trouper" like my husband was....I try to learn from both of them! And stop myself from playing "suffering martyr" and getting stuck in non-stop self-pity.
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along with your other son's current health issues....I cannot even imagine.
. What nerve! Then a neighbor friend of my mom's said "sorry for your loss, now you are free" WTF!!!! I know my dad was not an easy person to get along with but my mom still loved him in spite of that. Who says these things to people who are grieving??? Some people should open their mouth and insert their foot. I sware when the time comes for my mom to join my dad (I hope not for another 20 years) if anyone dares to say something off color to me I may just fly off the handle.
