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I was wondering if maybe someone could help me discover what “disorder” I might have because I just don’t feel right mentally.
I will give a little background and than explain some of the things that are happening.
I grew up in a home where I saw my mother being hit by my father a lot. I remember one incident where when I was in the 4th or 5th grade and he knocked her out in the kitchen and when I heard her hit the floor I ran into the kitchen and thought he had killed her. I ran upstairs to my sisters room just screaming that “dad killed mom”.
This was a common occurrence and happened as far back as I can remember until I was 17-18 years old and my mom finally left him.
My father worked out of town often so he would be gone for 2 weeks back home for a week and so forth, and I remember walking home from grade school and if I would see his car parked next to the house I would just get this deep, dark, sickening feeling in my gut. It is a feeling that I was never able to understand and it was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt and I felt it every time I would see his car and know he was back home from work.
I am male, and I was the oldest of 5 children.
Fast forward to today.
I am 30 years old today.
I am introverted. I don’t know why but I just am extremely uncomfortable being around people I don’t know or around lots of people. My brother and sister are getting married soon and I am dreading having to go to their wedding because of this anxiety I have about being around large groups of people.
I am extremely quiet and I used to be extremely shy…while I still am shy it is not as bad as it used to be.
I have had feelings of depression as far back as I could remember.
In high school I had some friends but after I graduated high school I don’t think I have made a single one. I have made many “aquaitances” from work and what not but not like friends where I would call them up to go hang out or anything like that.
I rarely ever leave my apartment when I am at home. I am actually content with this but I know it just isn’t right to lock yourself up in your apartment. I remember awhile back I took a 2 week vacation from work and just played video games at home the whole time. The ONLY human contact I had was when I went to the grocery store to get food.
I have very damaging thoughts of being inadequate.
I have never been in a relationship.
I am not suicidal, but I am very thankful that I am only given 45-65 years to live (on average). I know it is probably not a healthy thought but I often wish it would hurry up. I think I am kind of “emotionally burnt out” from my childhood and just want this thing to go by quickly.
I am actually completely “normal” at work and what not and I don’t think anyone around me even has the slightest clue of all this baggage that I have in my mind and soul.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I do consider myself a logical person. I understand that a lot of my “issues” are from childhood experiences but as much as I can understand the cause or root of some of these things, and as much as I can forgive my father for all that he did …I still cannot change myself (and believe me I have tried).
Through my research I think Schizoid personality disorder most describes me.
Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness and apathy. Affected individuals may simultaneously demonstrate a rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world,[1] although this is often more suggestive of schizotypal personality disorder.
But I do not think the emotional coldness and apathy part describes me much.
Sorry for the long post and thanks for your replies.
Jalepino,
You are definitely NOT schizoid.
You do NOT have any kind of "mental illness".
Don't hold yourself up to the standards of behavior of other people.
You are a unique individual with your own likes, dislikes, talents and life goals.
For a recluse you have chozen and interesting user name. Jalepino is the hot, red, stimulating pepper. Why did you chooze this name? Maybe there is a hot, outgoing personality within you?
What do you want for yourself? Do you really want friends to hang out with?
Do you really want a relationship? What do you daydream about?
You seem to be obsessing on your unpleasant childhood too much and feeling sorry for yourself.
Let it go.
Go to this web site: Faster EFT.com - The official website of Robert G. Smith, creator of FasterEFT
Watch some of his videos. There are a lot of them. Somewhere he gives the logical explanation of why this can work. Maybe it will help you.
If you want to go deeper into the workings of your all powerful subconscious mind get some books on NLP by Richard Bandler. I have this book, but have not read it, called "User's Manual for the Brain". Bandler is the founder of and expert on NLP. He also has a great sense of humor and writes in an easy to read style. Search - user's manual for the brain by richard bandler
You might want to read about PTSD or Post-traumatic stress disorder.
But other than that, don't worry too much about giving yourself a "diagnosis"...
Rather learn about and DO things which will get rid of that pain and give you a better life (if you so choose).
I don't know if you can trust a man... but "trust me"! I KNOW you can go to counseling and change your life from being "black and white" to a life of "living color" and "wonderful things" and "happiness".
This could take a year or two of counseling. Maybe less, maybe more?
The big problem is those video games! And if you can pry yourself away from them to go to counseling or not.
I have a friend who is a video game "addict" and would never consider doing anything other than that. And if that is your choice, then so be it.
I guess it all boils down to "where do you want to go from here"? You have the option of "blasting away" those horrible childhood memories and living a more pleasant life. Or continuing as you have been. It is up to you.
The good news is you are an excellent writer and quite good at describing the issues. Pretty good already so far as mental health goes. Plus the fact that your brother and sister are getting married soon indicates pretty good mental health in the family.
So maybe just a little "tweaking" here and there by a psychologist could work wonders. I would say give it a try. Look for counseling in the yellow pages. Some counties have low cost counseling (mental health department) if you don't have insurance.
Now I mentioned PTSD above. No one can give you a diagnosis over the internet. Only a psychologist or counselor can do that. They can give you a test. And very little time is spent on that. Rather what they do is ask you what problems you are having - what you would like to change. And then work on those things.
If there is something you would rather not discuss or not change, then you don't have to. It is all up to you!
I don't see a disorder but maybe a sort of "rut" that you have gotten into and aren't trying to dig yourself out of. Does your place of employment have one of those employee assistance programs where you can see a counselor for like 3 times without cost to just talk over something that is bothering you? If you aren't happy with the way things are, make a plan to change them. You cannot self-diagnose a personality disorder or mental illness as it is very complicated for even the professionals. We all have different types of personalities and they only become a disorder at the point that it is negatively affecting your life. Do you want to change things for yourself or are you just happy to stay the way you are? You really can get into a rut of doing that which requires the least amount of effort.
I agree that you are definitely not "schizoid'. Perhaps dysthymic disorder with anxiety features, maybe PTSD, but in the end, does it matter if what you suffer from is a "disorder" or not? You have the power to change your thoughts, which in turn will change your feelings and ultimately, your behaviors. I would really recommend a good cognitive-behavioral therapist. You deserve to live a fulfilling life -- not one in which you merely "exist" on the periphery.
I don't see a disorder but maybe a sort of "rut" that you have gotten into and aren't trying to dig yourself out of. Does your place of employment have one of those employee assistance programs where you can see a counselor for like 3 times without cost to just talk over something that is bothering you? If you aren't happy with the way things are, make a plan to change them. You cannot self-diagnose a personality disorder or mental illness as it is very complicated for even the professionals. We all have different types of personalities and they only become a disorder at the point that it is negatively affecting your life. Do you want to change things for yourself or are you just happy to stay the way you are? You really can get into a rut of doing that which requires the least amount of effort.
I think you mean EAP employee assistance program, that is a good start for sure.
Sounds like your family had a "secret" and at a very early age you had to protect that secret. The easiest way to do that was to decrease your exposure for revelation of that secret. You most likely became conditioned to isolate yourself for protection.
Only you can determine the best way to overcome this, whether it be a good therapist or a support group.
There are probably a bunch of folks who could slap a DX on you and start a pill regiment but you have to ask yourself if that is how you want to deal with this.
Many adults have experienced similar childhood traumas, find them and share your experience. Maybe mentor children who are going through this today.
You are successful at work but your socialization has been interupted by the "family secret". Find a safe outlet to begin to realize that you are OK. You are missing a lot!
Good luck.
Thank you all for the replies and I will look into all of the suggestions.
I should also add that I understand that no one on a forum could diagnose me I guess I was probably just looking for a direction to maybe put a face onto these "issues" and maybe from there find others who are experiencing the same things and maybe how they have dealt with it.
Thanx again and God Bless.
Last edited by Jalepino; 11-14-2012 at 06:27 PM..
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